tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68233542024-03-13T12:10:18.432-05:00Wiping The Crazy Off My FaceFunny woman, author and comedy writer Sher Bailey.Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.comBlogger534125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-6627841040052867632012-01-05T10:53:00.002-06:002012-01-05T10:53:37.646-06:00<div>
Hello monkeys! I'm back and I have an important announcement. Well, it's really more of an announcement and not so much important.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to share my New Year's resolutions with you! (See. Totally not important to you.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Write more.</b> (Which is why I'm back on Blogger today, as well as still plugging away on <a href="http://www.sherbailey.com/">Sher Bailey dot comaroo</a>.) I also have a fun little place I write that's not at all humor-related. I just like to post things there that I enjoy for no particular reason. It's called Momcaster and it's probably in the top ten lamest websites ever... but I love it hard.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Exercise more. </b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I do not understand people who say they love to exercise. It's my firm belief they are either liars, or they come from one of those planets floating around out there we don't yet know about. A planet where everyone is thin, but super pissy.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am in deep kimchi right now with regard to my weight for good reason.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I love food.</div>
<div>
I am old-ish.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Combine these things and scientists will tell you if I don't exercise, I am doomed to be the star of a TLC documentary where I wear nothing but a sheet, some lipstick, and petrified hamburger patties I am not aware are randomly stuck to parts of me where hamburger patties should never be.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I'm trying. I really am. I find it helps to have music I love in my ears, but it has to be music that makes me move a little faster. I decided if my goal is to give myself a new <a href="http://topworkoutmusic.com/2012/01/04/christian-workout-songs/">exercise playlist</a> every single day, I should put them all in a <a href="http://www.topworkoutmusic.com/">website</a> so I can keep track. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Laugh more.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I laugh at least eleventy times a day, but I find that's not nearly enough. If I want to live to be 110, I need to laugh at least eleventy times eleventy times a day. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
PS: If you know of anything that will help me achieve any or all of these above goals, please let me know. I need all the help I can get. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Love, </div>
<div>
Sher</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="zemanta-related">
<h6 class="zemanta-related-title" style="font-size: 1em; margin: 1em 0 0 0;">
Related articles</h6>
<ul class="zemanta-article-ul">
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/black-tomato/the-best-places-to-break-_b_1182837.html">Black Tomato: PHOTOS: Where To Break Your New Year's Resolutions</a> (huffingtonpost.com)</li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/31/new-years-resolutions-pos_n_1175360.html">From Lingerie To Lunch With The Ex, HuffPost Bloggers Talk 10 Post-Divorce Resolutions</a> (huffingtonpost.com)</li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li"><a href="http://blog.modcloth.com/2011/12/30/your-2012-new-years-resolutions/">Your 2012 New Year's Resolutions!</a> (modcloth.com)</li>
<li class="zemanta-article-ul-li"><a href="http://thismummybusiness.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/new-years-resolutions/">New Years Resolutions</a> (thismummybusiness.wordpress.com)</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div class="zemanta-pixie" style="height: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
<a class="zemanta-pixie-a" href="http://www.zemanta.com/" title="Enhanced by Zemanta"><img alt="Enhanced by Zemanta" class="zemanta-pixie-img" src="http://img.zemanta.com/zemified_e.png?x-id=87940994-8742-4970-84bd-5caa144d468d" style="border: none; float: right;" /></a></div>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-39436485446262478892011-12-23T10:05:00.000-06:002011-12-23T10:11:36.604-06:00Red Velvet Cake Balls<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: #f4efd6; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #413f36; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; line-height: 22px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I made Red Velvet Cake Balls. I think that makes me a TV worthy baker. Frankly any time I make something that’s not burned, disgusting, or ugly, I feel like a million American dollars. Cake balls are stupid EASY, and I want you to stop what you’re doing right now and follow my highly technical recipe for cake balls to completion. Go ahead. Wake the kids and phone the neighbors and all of you come together to cake ball it on up.</div>
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: #f4efd6; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #413f36; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; line-height: 22px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
PS: If you like how I do, please spread it around. Red velvet cake balls and laughing are what the kids today call, “fun for the whole family.”</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aHeIo5xqwes/TvSjIanfG_I/AAAAAAAAAq0/OlPPbK90vdQ/s1600/cake1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aHeIo5xqwes/TvSjIanfG_I/AAAAAAAAAq0/OlPPbK90vdQ/s400/cake1.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ImjlNmJbkbE/TvSjJ-4RXfI/AAAAAAAAAq8/ptqmdf_8nMU/s1600/cake2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ImjlNmJbkbE/TvSjJ-4RXfI/AAAAAAAAAq8/ptqmdf_8nMU/s400/cake2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B5tBfYPT7d4/TvSkIl6cX3I/AAAAAAAAAr0/xcRbvrjpUm4/s1600/cake4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B5tBfYPT7d4/TvSkIl6cX3I/AAAAAAAAAr0/xcRbvrjpUm4/s400/cake4.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qfrRNi3aTJ0/TvSjd8Ckh-I/AAAAAAAAArg/9yaU7uwgSyg/s1600/cake7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qfrRNi3aTJ0/TvSjd8Ckh-I/AAAAAAAAArg/9yaU7uwgSyg/s400/cake7.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jWKtTQuI7xM/TvSjfX-m-_I/AAAAAAAAAro/vYEA9lS8RKk/s1600/cake8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jWKtTQuI7xM/TvSjfX-m-_I/AAAAAAAAAro/vYEA9lS8RKk/s400/cake8.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BkZ3EimnZfo/TvSjbOvupdI/AAAAAAAAArQ/NOd2BU-M3FE/s1600/cake3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BkZ3EimnZfo/TvSjbOvupdI/AAAAAAAAArQ/NOd2BU-M3FE/s400/cake3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c66tZh-C5Es/TvSjcTYQ-rI/AAAAAAAAArY/epp8olwC5og/s1600/cake5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c66tZh-C5Es/TvSjcTYQ-rI/AAAAAAAAArY/epp8olwC5og/s400/cake5.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: #f4efd6; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #413f36; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; line-height: 22px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-udBzOI4IKwM/TvSkiMX_nzI/AAAAAAAAAsI/cDTGnigcx8s/s1600/cake9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-udBzOI4IKwM/TvSkiMX_nzI/AAAAAAAAAsI/cDTGnigcx8s/s400/cake9.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zDgnMYYHzy0/TvSkjnz2JCI/AAAAAAAAAsQ/AAdaodbKxpY/s1600/cake10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zDgnMYYHzy0/TvSkjnz2JCI/AAAAAAAAAsQ/AAdaodbKxpY/s400/cake10.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MhSgVJIaR7w/TvSk4MWl-bI/AAAAAAAAAss/7hVBtvOePvo/s1600/cake12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MhSgVJIaR7w/TvSk4MWl-bI/AAAAAAAAAss/7hVBtvOePvo/s400/cake12.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: #f4efd6; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #413f36; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; line-height: 22px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wBxyb_S2BTw/TvSk2TQSXlI/AAAAAAAAAsk/npKC6vOUTuY/s1600/cake11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wBxyb_S2BTw/TvSk2TQSXlI/AAAAAAAAAsk/npKC6vOUTuY/s400/cake11.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-19sBoitAu30/TvSlW3CZTvI/AAAAAAAAAs4/OmQWCDH1aLs/s1600/cake13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-19sBoitAu30/TvSlW3CZTvI/AAAAAAAAAs4/OmQWCDH1aLs/s400/cake13.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8zl-xb1geFE/TvSlYHQTvHI/AAAAAAAAAtA/Bg07d_rQTUQ/s1600/cake14.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8zl-xb1geFE/TvSlYHQTvHI/AAAAAAAAAtA/Bg07d_rQTUQ/s400/cake14.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fryvDp2YV6Q/TvSlZniqysI/AAAAAAAAAtI/z6rzcahIzoU/s1600/cake15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fryvDp2YV6Q/TvSlZniqysI/AAAAAAAAAtI/z6rzcahIzoU/s400/cake15.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-imLBZvmfevo/TvSlbR4NZRI/AAAAAAAAAtQ/xdJ-MJt4Ots/s1600/cake16.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-imLBZvmfevo/TvSlbR4NZRI/AAAAAAAAAtQ/xdJ-MJt4Ots/s400/cake16.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: #f4efd6; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #413f36; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 22px;">If you liked this "recipe" (I guess legally that's what this is), please share, Pin, make, and canonize. And not for nothing, if you see these photos on the web with someone else trying to pass them off as their own, please send me an email and/or light the thief on fire. Preferably both. <a href="http://www.sherbailey.com/">www.SherBailey.com</a></span></span></div>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-49154624664015854252011-05-03T20:55:00.000-05:002011-05-03T20:55:25.450-05:00Why my life is probably better than yours.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-ECS-VIKlYYUPPuyo9CMv96g2BOG4GAWwFOqPvegwgtebdXOCGYz4gYIxF-oGL34dkLaxgFjPPf8pDaQM10Q9qIeqYg2MMrS_-EOTo9vzmqDoQAmhlP2O03ZxOSWxf7eDi-8N/s1600/jrcar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-ECS-VIKlYYUPPuyo9CMv96g2BOG4GAWwFOqPvegwgtebdXOCGYz4gYIxF-oGL34dkLaxgFjPPf8pDaQM10Q9qIeqYg2MMrS_-EOTo9vzmqDoQAmhlP2O03ZxOSWxf7eDi-8N/s200/jrcar.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I never run out of Nivea body wash because I think it makes me smell like Julia Roberts. She hops out of the shower after a hard day of perpetrating random acts of Julianess like naming her kids Hazel and Phinnaeus or emailing George Clooney hilarious jokes about Matt Damon's old man hair, and I know in my heart she smells like exotic Hawaiian flowers, new car, and homemade mac & cheese.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">The light in the ceiling fan in my bedroom has been burnt out for months because Wal-Mart scientists determined the only thing that should be harder to get to than milk is light bulbs and no way I'm walking that far into that God awful store. When they put the 75 watters next to the Diet Dr. Pepper, I'll finally know for sure whether I have a 3rd dog no one told me about that lives beside my bed and only barks when I've had Mexican food.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">My son clearly believes he can catch menopause because he only comes near me when it's a true matter of life and death, like if he needs clean underwear or wants to remind me how adept he is at rolling his eyes. He is in a "relationship" now and so during the brief moments I am allowed face to face conversation with him, he sees it as an opportunity to explain to me what a consummate female is like. Sort of an exercise in compare and contrast, I think.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">"I asked her the other day what she was doing and she gave me the most perfect answer anyone has ever given. She said she was baking cookies and listening to the draft." Naturally I suggested she should put a rolled towel in front of the door, which is when he did the whole eye-rolling exhibition. He's really quite accomplished.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">My Doo and I date just about every night online like a couple of Dateline's iced-tea drinking sex offenders. He lives a few hours away and we both are CEOs of Fortune Negative 500 companies, so Gmail chat is to us what Pizza Hut was to me and my first serious<a href="http://sherbailey.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/doo.png" mce_href="http://sherbailey.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/doo.png"><img alt="" class="alignright size-medium wp-image-1832" height="350" mce_src="http://sherbailey.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/doo-150x300.png" src="http://sherbailey.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/doo-150x300.png" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; float: right;" title="doo" width="200" /></a>boyfriend - who incidentally I saw a photo of recently and sweet lord did I dodge a bullet because he looks like a piece of fruit left out in the sun - for thirty years. I simply do not understand where his teeth went. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">Anyway I don't mind the long distance thing most of the time because I like cyber-dating the Doo. We listen to music together, discuss the potentially weird Jerry Springer possibility that we were separated at birth, and stay up as late as we want 'cause nobody is the boss of us.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">My bank account is six figures - if one of those figures is the dollar sign, one is the decimal, and two are zeros.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I try to travel somewhere just about every month. Thankfully the Doo likes to travel as much as I do. Better yet, we travel well together - him with his one small travel bag and me with my steamer trunk and fourteen sizes of suitcases in graduating dimensions. It's not that I over-pack clothes, but I will admit I'm always worried I may not have packed enough shoes or make-up.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">I'm convinced I can draw attention away from my old-lady-body by wearing fabulous shoes and false eyelashes so long that a delightful breeze is created every time I blink. If the length of my lashes continues to grow in direct proportion to my advancing age, by the time I"m seventy-two I will have the ability to effectively cool a 10,000 square foot nursing home every time I flirt with an orderly.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">And I believe we can all agree that's exactly what I'll be doing. Who else would an obsessive-compulsive old lady end up with, but an "orderly"? Der.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">(Find newer posts on my website <a href="http://www.sherbailey.com/">www.SherBailey.com</a>.)</div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-44182323620167864852010-12-31T16:56:00.000-06:002010-12-31T16:56:21.751-06:00Holy forgetfulness, Batman!So I can't believe I forgot to come back to the old blog and give you guys the address to my new website.<br />
<br />
Sweet lord. In my defense, I've been drunk.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.sherbailey.com/">www.SherBailey.com</a> is the new site. Come fly with me.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/SherBailey">http://www.facebook.com/SherBailey</a> is the new Facebook page. Come hang out with me.<br />
<br />
Big love,<br />
<br />
SherSherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-79393927525429727402010-09-17T11:49:00.000-05:002010-09-17T11:49:46.604-05:00Brand Spanking NEW Website Coming Soon....Dear Sweet Friends & Readers,<br />
<br />
Blogger has been crazy good to me since 2004 - which believe it or not, is when I started this blog. But now, just like all marriages and size zero jeans, it's over for me.<br />
<br />
The good news is, I have a brand new website mere moments away that'll be so much easier for you to move around in, and so much easier for me to manage. I'll be announcing it on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wiping-the-Crazy-Off-My-Face/154053807947273">my Facebook page</a> (also very new), so if you like me even a little, scoot on over there and hit <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wiping-the-Crazy-Off-My-Face/154053807947273">that little thumbs up thingy</a>. We have to stick together, you and me.<br />
<br />
Thank you Sweet Cookies, and thank you Blogger. Big, crazy, love to you...<br />
<br />
And until I see you over there - below is a new vlog so you won't forget me. (It's rough, kids. Been awhile since I was in the saddle.)<br />
<br />
Sher<br />
<br />
<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/RDJFWbWQEvQ?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/RDJFWbWQEvQ?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-11189148532671053632010-09-11T18:59:00.001-05:002010-09-11T19:03:59.293-05:00Single Sher: The Pros & Cons<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnsXttfVai4U-lLLzxDfJcauZjcQkQCQ7eaC-bLNAUVHjvFVqq6NI-hhyx6xm7mZPmX6p4JPyeKnQ7rUzqciPc7Y-NdkEHcCnkwk5I0s36Hdg33zpAPb5KkoipFMZ8aB0Xt2_9/s1600/div-tp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnsXttfVai4U-lLLzxDfJcauZjcQkQCQ7eaC-bLNAUVHjvFVqq6NI-hhyx6xm7mZPmX6p4JPyeKnQ7rUzqciPc7Y-NdkEHcCnkwk5I0s36Hdg33zpAPb5KkoipFMZ8aB0Xt2_9/s320/div-tp.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqqrZeULHrh16GjN0K7aQYrtqbuDf0EQHfoyuF_rnswFlHKKSZDTmyOPQ3PYwrXNG_PgbXQgasoliPW8EhM1JbCyAgK5R0mYcUP4J0KN6WMDuX7GdB4wQ8q72ppbiBGOVh4Qx-/s1600/div-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqqrZeULHrh16GjN0K7aQYrtqbuDf0EQHfoyuF_rnswFlHKKSZDTmyOPQ3PYwrXNG_PgbXQgasoliPW8EhM1JbCyAgK5R0mYcUP4J0KN6WMDuX7GdB4wQ8q72ppbiBGOVh4Qx-/s320/div-2.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim4u69DylDtnWeXfASp7rFraPy28Vu4xCRUbhAxyDQY2tVfTT18XabNZVI2vmwV9OsIhfhwkH7xu_He8borIghrM5fcHY3lRpYoJU7RGWc0aaYILqL-fPoUfiNlRqJJyw9qVsi/s1600/div3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim4u69DylDtnWeXfASp7rFraPy28Vu4xCRUbhAxyDQY2tVfTT18XabNZVI2vmwV9OsIhfhwkH7xu_He8borIghrM5fcHY3lRpYoJU7RGWc0aaYILqL-fPoUfiNlRqJJyw9qVsi/s320/div3.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUjOGsuboWH5SHmE4UCoYFKmy0xn3y55jOPm7YaJ4Hplf-4-Tiqhu0QNY0wJbhu34YrDCYbiiRq1mT8duX-zMnNyP_F82H_ckUgIfFsZdS7ToPrmYJRCIM8SqC11Verrr8fMv/s1600/div4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUjOGsuboWH5SHmE4UCoYFKmy0xn3y55jOPm7YaJ4Hplf-4-Tiqhu0QNY0wJbhu34YrDCYbiiRq1mT8duX-zMnNyP_F82H_ckUgIfFsZdS7ToPrmYJRCIM8SqC11Verrr8fMv/s320/div4.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This is not an exhaustive list, although it was exhausting to list. More to come. </div><br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-31490613735267364202010-08-13T03:31:00.000-05:002010-08-13T03:31:23.658-05:00Bring me a dream and I will KILZ it.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1W9h4e1eiVFvMJ968CWBw6Z9PzSPrDsRyIcWfCLR2-py_jj7byX-n5tn4gUxK08HOSFczXSs2fj-ZJ_HqySV-o7n7IA1w9pK4OgS9MyQFqvfocH-U2VFKTe737w7kOQonxqZP/s1600/egghead-jr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1W9h4e1eiVFvMJ968CWBw6Z9PzSPrDsRyIcWfCLR2-py_jj7byX-n5tn4gUxK08HOSFczXSs2fj-ZJ_HqySV-o7n7IA1w9pK4OgS9MyQFqvfocH-U2VFKTe737w7kOQonxqZP/s320/egghead-jr.jpg" /></a></div>I am officially a woman who doesn't sleep. Yesterday I got approximately 4 hours and tonight, it's almost 3AM and the Sandman is nowhere near this joint. That bastard is avoiding me like I told him I love him and don't want to read the Sunday paper with anyone but him for the rest of our natural lives.<br />
<br />
Which I did.<br />
<br />
I've been working on the house, AKA Swinging Single Chick Pad, that I'm moving into soon. I should be unconscious because it is stressful, and tiring, and because I've used so much <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Masterchem-10042-Odorless-Primer-Sealer/dp/B001005OK0?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">KILZ</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001005OK0" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />, I can taste it - in my nose. <img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001005OK0" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Masterchem-10042-Odorless-Primer-Sealer/dp/B001005OK0?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Masterchem 10042 Kilz Odorless Primer And Sealer" src="http://ws.amazon.com/widgets/q?MarketPlace=US&ServiceVersion=20070822&ID=AsinImage&WS=1&Format=_SL160_&ASIN=B001005OK0&tag=garagesalechi-20" /></a>I was telling my friend Steel that I had KILZ'd all day and he asked me what KILZ was and I told him it was primer and he said, well then why don't you just call it primer, and I said because it's KILZ and he said the way I'm using the word is like someone saying hey I've been Kleenexing my nose all day.<br />
<br />
And then I stopped talking to him because I had to tinkle and Charmin my ass, and also because I don't like to have my use of proper nouns questioned.<br />
<br />
Ever.<br />
<br />
Speaking of Steel, I just found out he is introducing me to a long time business partner/associate/friend of his this fall. I don't know how that tidbit fits here, but I'm a woman who hasn't slept since 1942, so you'll read it and you'll like it.<br />
<br />
Steel and I are business partners actually, so I get the feeling he wants to show me what a REALLY cool business partner is like in hopes that I will wear three piece suits and buy a pocket watch and talk about how Jones on the third floor needs an attitude adjustment.<br />
<br />
I won't.<br />
<br />
This guy's name is Robert and according to Steel, Robert is the smartest man in the entire universe. Wait. Maybe I should change Robert's name to protect his identity. Forget I said Robert.<br />
<br />
So this guy Roberto is allegedly so damn smart that if he wanted to, he could lift a Big Gulp of tequila using nothing but the power of his mind. He can do long division - in French. Steel said if Roberto were to have a Brain-Off with Einstein (providing Einstein was not on the other side of the dirt), Roberto would beat him so badly, we would all forever after make reference to the Theory of Robertotivity.<br />
<br />
<i>God I love the taste of low-hanging fruit in the wee hours. </i><br />
<br />
I don't want to look like a complete dumbass when I meet this man, the business apple of my partner's eye, so I'm brushing up on things to say that will make me appear smart. I plan to talk a lot about whether the light really goes off in the refrigerator when you close the door, and then I'll say something about carrying the one and multiplying by eleventy, and I'll throw in a couple foreign sounding words just to bring it on home. A little Zamboni, a little Parkay, and I'm looking like a regular intellectual.<br />
<br />
I have to close this rambling now. I think I heard the sound of the Sandman's key in the door. I'm gonna go tell him how much I love him and pluck a hair from his head.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/C-S-I-Crime-Scene-Investigation-Season/dp/B003FSTN5M?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="C.S.I.: Crime Scene Investigation, The Tenth Season" src="http://ws.amazon.com/widgets/q?MarketPlace=US&ServiceVersion=20070822&ID=AsinImage&WS=1&Format=_SL160_&ASIN=B003FSTN5M&tag=garagesalechi-20" /></a></div>CSI <img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B003FSTN5M" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />Paternity.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-22040437296386762122010-08-04T23:17:00.000-05:002010-08-04T23:17:03.895-05:00I'm about to go all Rascal Flatts up in here.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPIyxHcgcPtxGa7c6TI9V2Px6fzU2LzfSXGFv-puYxmVeTd116zqBh2zy2vzBVF-btUk7ipoMP0P1mDoerK3i5IYtskThj8UbCoK-XmRAnfvG-HVOsaEL6yNbk5hiZTyx7hpB2/s1600/mrmarriedcoffee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPIyxHcgcPtxGa7c6TI9V2Px6fzU2LzfSXGFv-puYxmVeTd116zqBh2zy2vzBVF-btUk7ipoMP0P1mDoerK3i5IYtskThj8UbCoK-XmRAnfvG-HVOsaEL6yNbk5hiZTyx7hpB2/s320/mrmarriedcoffee.jpg" /></a></div>I'm moving out in a few weeks. Yep. Moving out of this house, and this marriage, and into another house, and God willing and the creek don't rise, at least twelve or thirteen more marriages - eventually. These things can't be rushed.<br />
<br />
This move feels really big, and really scary, and really important for me, even though I'm only moving 7/10ths of a mile away from where I've enjoyed married life to Mr. Man AKA Huzzie Bestie.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's because the house I'm moving into isn't exactly a palace. (More like a Cracker Jack prize in ghetto Cracker Jacks.) Maybe it's because I'm forty-six, and I still don't have whatever that thing is people have who can stay married longer than it takes the paint to dry with a new name on the mailbox.<br />
Or maybe it's because I don't have the right coffee pot.<br />
<br />
I choose C.<br />
<br />
My <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Mr-Coffee-Thermal-Programmable-Coffeemaker/dp/B0002U9L12?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">coffee pot</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0002U9L12" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> was created for more than one person. No matter how hard I try to make just enough coffee for one chick, it always comes out as 'married people coffee'. I have a feeling the first morning I wake up to make coffee and find that I have enough for me plus one husband (insert name here), I'm gonna feel sad. And overly-caffeinated. And then sad again, but really, really energetic.<br />
<br />
Sure, I could go buy one of those Here is Your One Cup of Coffee You Single Loser Who Has Failed Yet Again at Sustaining a Long Term Relationship coffee makers. But what will I do when I get lucky at Wal-Mart and the Frozen Pea Stocker Guy wants to come home with me? What? Am I gonna say, "Sorry Hot Frozen Pea Stocker Dude, but I'm a one cup house and you're outta luck"?<br />
<br />
Of course not. No one talks to Frozen Pea Guy like that. He has a mustache.<br />
<br />
I'm distressed. Maybe I should just get married again so that I have someone with whom to share a full pot of coffee. Hell, I once married a guy just so I didn't waste the six inches of a foot-long sub I never eat.<br />
<br />
<object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k1bxlDAjGCo&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/k1bxlDAjGCo&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-26347520883516870292010-07-22T23:30:00.001-05:002010-07-22T23:30:43.982-05:00From the Vault. (Like Disney Does, But Not At All Like Disney.)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgINssHBXwJnPxRPTDoh37liaH00y4kThB2Z3JQKHlDZs0WrgO9zl9X_Lm2dWd_hfBZspUEbAUXaBYC5w-d2GZUKxaKLPNrShchp7DONMGW8MgRMx8_ATnhZ9j_ZlyYKzYwKHqC/s1600/sams-club-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgINssHBXwJnPxRPTDoh37liaH00y4kThB2Z3JQKHlDZs0WrgO9zl9X_Lm2dWd_hfBZspUEbAUXaBYC5w-d2GZUKxaKLPNrShchp7DONMGW8MgRMx8_ATnhZ9j_ZlyYKzYwKHqC/s320/sams-club-01.jpg" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Every day I wake up, look in the mirror and wonder how much spackle and KILZ it's going to take to make me acceptable to the good people of the world. Everyday it's a little more than the day before.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I share this bit of insecurity to let you know I'm aware I am not the Queen of beauty. That way when I fling open the door of my glass house and commence to hurling rocks at the neighbors, you will understand that I know perfectly well what I'm doing.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Today we went to Sam's Club and I have no idea why. For years I have had a membership that I don't use because I cannot fathom a time when I will actually have need of a can of beans so big, it can serve as a foot stool. While I'm sure furniture sized containers of beans are super dooper to have on hand if you're a hobo who enjoys both beans and places to put your feet up after a long day of hopping the rails, normal Americans should not own such a thing.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Sam's Club is built around the premise that they serve the business person. I'm sure that is true. Today for example I purchased an 80 pound bag of sugar that was strictly work related. Remember that Mary Poppins song?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">"A big vat full of sugar helps the idiots at work go down... in the most delightful way".</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So while walking the aisles picking up crazy large things and saying, "Hey maybe we can use a drum full of tuna fish," or "How have we lived our entire lives without the convenience of 14 bottles of fabric softener shrink wrapped together?" I began to notice other Sam's Club shoppers. Mainly because they kept running over me with their carts and their snot blowing kids.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I don't think most of these people realized that cases of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Snickers-Original-Chocolate-Candy-Bar-48ct/dp/B000JZ9TEE?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Snickers</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B000JZ9TEE" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> are really meant for resale or that boxes of orange-cheese-substance and chips are meant for truck stops. I got the impression by both the size of their behinds and the size of their crying kid's behinds that most of those <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Snickers-Candy-2-07-Ounce-Package-Pack/dp/B001HXI0V0?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Snickers</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001HXI0V0" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> would be gone before they get half way home.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQkp7cj4a4t09sR5vb4-oYaPi7e0WVD8p6sOBPKSrAPADeAswje3w3li6X7pbAcD2_JEo3Bfx6DOnT-BfvHYaET6-4o336Yu30B0uA1Wa6e6FENLdDUeqOjaElTUvVoZYKOz-/s1600/1sams.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGQkp7cj4a4t09sR5vb4-oYaPi7e0WVD8p6sOBPKSrAPADeAswje3w3li6X7pbAcD2_JEo3Bfx6DOnT-BfvHYaET6-4o336Yu30B0uA1Wa6e6FENLdDUeqOjaElTUvVoZYKOz-/s320/1sams.JPG" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">As you may know, a grand feature of Sam's are the hair net wearing people stationed every three feet with snacks for customers to try. Today I nearly died in a head on collision with a woman in a tank top who was clearly out of her mind with starvation. I had no business being between her and a sample of a Jimmy Deans breakfast biscuit. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Death would have been my own damn fault but no one would ever know for sure what killed me as an autopsy can't be performed on a body that was eaten by a fat woman in the Frozen Country Music Singer Breakfast section of a super-mart.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I watched as one woman and her "little" girl damn near had simultaneous strokes when they discovered that <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Keebler-Cookie-Cracker-Assortment-Variety/dp/B001G8TFPQ?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Keebler</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001G8TFPQ" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> had come out with packages of cookies that could feed an entire cookie deprived nation. Or just the two of them. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I'm talking boxes of cookies so big that if I cut a door in the front, both my Yorkies could invite all their dog friends over to their bachelor pad for tea and cookies. (And butt licking 'cause that's just how they roll.)</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">So what did I buy? I bought so much cheese, I could build that fictional MouseVille <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Under-Dome-Novel-Stephen-King/dp/1439149038?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Stephen King</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=1439149038" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> was talking about in The Green Mile. I bought Edamame and sliced turkey and biscotti.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I don't really like biscotti, by the way. It tastes like a cross between a bread stick and cookie I found at the bottom of a purse I last carried in 1985. But they looked so pretty, all 247 of them, wrapped in cellophane and displayed in that giant container. I had to own them.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">PS: Biscotti contest coming soon. There will be 247 first prizes. You're welcome. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a></div>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-43476499054984752242010-07-19T20:51:00.000-05:002010-07-19T20:51:14.756-05:00Old People & Pancakes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEuuPL3DihifJ06AYOt8lnvYvZZiCeuLSttNymKEKAGYdAKhxW2zvf7peTa8OEa6Mm6tLQDVx6npO0xnI-1o0Bk89AOBRfLfe8gi1PoG1EY4po1VuI4hFy3QqvrrK6tQu_HjmE/s1600/ihop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEuuPL3DihifJ06AYOt8lnvYvZZiCeuLSttNymKEKAGYdAKhxW2zvf7peTa8OEa6Mm6tLQDVx6npO0xnI-1o0Bk89AOBRfLfe8gi1PoG1EY4po1VuI4hFy3QqvrrK6tQu_HjmE/s320/ihop.jpg" /></a></div>I made a run to my home state of North Carolina to surprise my Pop. My brother Chad and I had it all planned out. I'd fly into Charlotte, Chad would pick me up and then....<br />
<br />
that's as far as we got.<br />
<br />
All we knew was that Pop & my Step-Mom would show up at Chad's and I'd surprise them. When they actually arrived at the front door, I panicked. I grabbed a giant bowl full of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/North-Carolina-Giant-Watermelon-Seeds-/dp/B002BD66NE?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">watermelon</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B002BD66NE" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> and ran to the bathroom to hide.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK8saAQxPojJsAGjrjsrDk5Y9S9lK2CVTic6kLlJCL5hm9mxGglxJq7zb-Q1Tc00JtgYC-dEGIkaMsE-A_rZwmrYWkb1imwF0j8Fvyb78rBivzjrGHRoBhZ1NAx5PJcqR6XVKW/s1600/NC+009.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK8saAQxPojJsAGjrjsrDk5Y9S9lK2CVTic6kLlJCL5hm9mxGglxJq7zb-Q1Tc00JtgYC-dEGIkaMsE-A_rZwmrYWkb1imwF0j8Fvyb78rBivzjrGHRoBhZ1NAx5PJcqR6XVKW/s200/NC+009.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>That's kind of my default... when in doubt, snag any nearby chopped fruit & run to the bathroom.<br />
<br />
That's how I met my third husband actually. I was confused about what people meant by "unfocus your eyes" to see a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Eye-Vol-2-Inc/dp/0836270096?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Magic Eye Poster</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=0836270096" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />, and he was cleaning up a spill in stall three. We shared a little fruit cocktail and lived happily ever three months.<br />
<br />
Pop was definitely surprised. No one ate the watermelon.<br />
<br />
Visiting home is always a hoot, mainly because my Daddy is funny - and he doesn't know it.<br />
<br />
"I got me a biddit installed," he said.<br />
<br />
"What's a biddit, Pop?"<br />
<br />
"It's a water pistol for your hind end."<br />
<br />
Pop makes me almost pee my pants.<br />
<br />
"I'm gonna take you to supper tonight at the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/IHOP-Gift-Card/dp/B002YF28X6?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">iHop</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B002YF28X6" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />," he told me. "We need to be there right at four o'clock."<br />
<br />
SWEET HEAVENLY LOVE! I wasn't thrilled at the notion of eating supper ten minutes after my lunch had digested, but I figured inexpensive French toast would take the sting out of it. We arrived at EXACTLY 4 and when we were seated, I realized why the need for such promptness.<br />
<br />
The place was filling up with old people faster than you can say uh-oh I think my Depends feels heavy.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1LtEURK7w973l6G9sWSL-tVJlY74olrgocYXspSKaKJmMsvi_wpUI9VBZYRwybuW1y7Iherpxf-Y6KxhhpCe5h0Idrg8Kq-8lhXyzkLV-H_RtFwMZinpgNr1yyrWW3n07iMh7/s1600/NC+033.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1LtEURK7w973l6G9sWSL-tVJlY74olrgocYXspSKaKJmMsvi_wpUI9VBZYRwybuW1y7Iherpxf-Y6KxhhpCe5h0Idrg8Kq-8lhXyzkLV-H_RtFwMZinpgNr1yyrWW3n07iMh7/s200/NC+033.JPG" width="200" /></a>They were EVERYWHERE. As I looked across the "restaurant", I was surrounded by a sea of white hair and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Velcro-Sticky-Back-Fastener-Dispenser-VEK90081/dp/B00006RSWT?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Velcro</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B00006RSWT" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> shoes. Other than the wait-staff (who were no doubt looking forward to being tipped in buttons & <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Andy-Rooney-Years-Wisdom-Wit/dp/B00375LK5O?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Andy Rooney</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B00375LK5O" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> newspaper clippings), I was easily the youngest person in the joint.<br />
<br />
Pop, my darling Father, looked at me with great love and adoration and said, "If you didn't have on them short pants, you could pass for 55 easy."<br />
<br />
I died a little on the inside.<br />
<br />
<div><br />
</div><div><a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a></div>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-78618478932024335792010-07-05T22:38:00.000-05:002010-07-05T22:38:32.089-05:00Match.com - I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee.<div class="separator" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPm8JSPObdWHS-4xRUiwQD4Hm55pfNAmhqXz98TXe1WfpGK74WHteSG_GnbNg04w855ugVcrPRpDwDxlFw5-SHJ9BRywGCB0odRfKOy_B9zqGiUu5M61-tVEUaj_I_HRt5f78N/s320/jorts.jpg" /></div><br />
Match.com has been a hoot and a holler. That's Southern for "a horrible experience that has caused me to lose all faith in humanity." Like all good things, and all marriages, it must come to an end. My psyche simply can no longer endure the barrage of comb-overs, sleeveless shirts, and giant mustaches.<br />
<br />
Because I am the kind of person who always has to have the last word in any broken relationship, I'm gonna tell Match.com what it is I DON'T want in a man. Consider it a public service announcement - that the public could care less to ever have announced.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who thinks whatever he says is funny if he inserts" LOL" or "haha" after every sentence. "I ran over my dog this morning, but he was old and slow. LOL."<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who uses any of the following words in his profile: snuggle, lover, cuddle, drama, bedroom, Nascar, hunt, fish, bowl. or advencheerus. I've read these words so often in the profiles of your men, you surely have a secret man section of the website called "Really Cool Words That Our Crack Team of Redneck Grandfathers Believe Will Drive Women Wild."<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who feels he has to tell me, in the first sentence of our interaction, that he doesn't play games, and doesn't like women who do play games. I LOVE GAMES, Match.com. My favorites are Monopoly (or as we call it in my house, You're Not My Son Here, So Hand Over the Rent Money), and of course, Husband Roulette.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who takes his profile picture with his cell phone in the bathroom mirror - with his shirt off.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who wears <a href="http://www.jorts.com/">jorts</a>, even if he is the Official <a href="http://www.jorts.com/">Jort</a> Association Spokesperson and makes tens of dollars for his work.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy with a mustache so big & thick that I know without ever getting near him it smells like old pizza.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who is looking for a woman between the ages of Jail Bait and Woohoo I Can Buy My Own Beer Now.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who would be best suited for a woman between the ages of Dusty Old Vagina and I Prepaid For My Casket and Also Have Lint Covered Lemon Drops In My Purse.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who wants to find his "sole mate", or an "ole fashion lady", or a woman who likes "brekfest for supper."<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who tells me his wife died four years ago and then straight away goes into, "I like hunting." I am left to believe he likes hunting, despite having shot his wife to death four years ago.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't</b> want a guy who says the last thing he read was, "I don't read."<br />
<br />
Are you getting the picture, Match.com? You are an awful, awful website where awful, awful people gather together to breed and make big-headed, awful, awful children.<br />
<br />
Children with low set ears, eyes that go in different directions, a seventh toe, and a propensity to eat their own poop.<br />
<br />
<i>*Cool, funny, JORT pic found on </i><a href="http://kingpininc.com/category/jorts/"><i>http://kingpininc.com/category/jorts</i></a><i>.*</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-37010631758071133172010-07-04T14:29:00.000-05:002010-07-04T14:29:46.678-05:00Match.com - The "Is He Too Young for Me?" Edition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjp8Zo4oSHXXtwynCRGonOyAO-LEo20Hv-5zJDZp73vbwf2Ko2NdOZ9-tCsrfwxvtnnk5BpSi3u0JeP7Nn7qVtDvE_GPiazzKU7dQBBLdMZmPmEIN-4I2MydK3eUhDwPQ661uo/s1600/will.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjp8Zo4oSHXXtwynCRGonOyAO-LEo20Hv-5zJDZp73vbwf2Ko2NdOZ9-tCsrfwxvtnnk5BpSi3u0JeP7Nn7qVtDvE_GPiazzKU7dQBBLdMZmPmEIN-4I2MydK3eUhDwPQ661uo/s320/will.jpg" /></a></div><div>So you know by now how much yummy goodness I'm finding oozing from under the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Match-Con-Patricia-Wood/dp/1439245096?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Match.com</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=1439245096" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> rug. Every day when I log in, I am greeted by the "sleazapalooza" on patrol and I'm forced to LOL - which is sometimes what I do to prevent the COL. (Crying Out Loud. Der.)</div><div><br />
</div><div>People are sending me emails about my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Match-Con-Patricia-Wood/dp/1439245096?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Match.com</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=1439245096" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> posts asking, "Really?" to which I answer, "Totally really." I'm NOT making this stuff up, kids. Not even a little bit. I simply take tidbits from these gentlemen and via the power and magic that is cut & paste, allow them to write for me. My words are in parenthesis... which coincidentally is a word most of the guys on Match.com cannot spell. </div><div><br />
<br />
Mommas hide your daughters, because here they come again. In their own words...<br />
<b><i><br />
Mr. Danger on the Road:</i></b><br />
<br />
"I love holding hands, especially while driving. I love kissing, also while driving. Except for the occasional Mudslide, I'm not much of a drinker."</div><div>(If you ever see me on a date with a man drinking a Mudslide, please dial 9-1-1 as I am being held hostage by a very feminine, gun-wielding, man.)<br />
<br />
<b><i>Mr. I'm a 'Methadist':</i></b><br />
<br />
"I'm a easy going, level headed kinda guy. I even help with house work if need to. It don't bother me. No games. I am a hopeless romantic whom pays attention to detail."</div><div>(Do you, Darlin'? Do you really?)<br />
<br />
<b><i>Mr. Punctuation is for Pussies:</i></b><br />
<br />
"love to hunt fish bowl camp and being romantic love the water like to take walks and bike rides love animals love to cuddle by a fire place or watching tv or bedroomlooking for someone i can go on ect iam looking for someone to share there things with me as i will share my things with them"</div><div>(I do not share well, or I'd be all over this guy. He is a self-described knight in <b><i>shinning armer</i></b>. That's how I likes it, y'all.)<br />
<br />
<b><i>Mr. Wiping the Crazy Off My Face?:</i></b><br />
<br />
"New York Times and News Week are always on the coffee table. I enjoy classic American and English literature." (He reads! Sweet Lord above, he reads!) "I wanted to write and say hi. My name is ****, I recently moved to *** and hope to make some friends. You have a wonderful smile, hope that isn't too forward to say." </div><div>(Forward? Baby, as far as I'm concerned, you just proposed. I will admit to kind of liking this one. He's cute as a buttered biscuit, and he said I have a nice smile. My hang up is that he's younger than me. I don't want to be doing the baby-spoon-on-the-chin thing when we're at Chuck E. Cheese.)<br />
<br />
I drive on, y'all. Pray to your Match.com gods... or to Tom Cruise. Whichever deity you think'll get me a handsome, smart, funny, clever, boyfriend will work. </div><div><div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
</div></div></div>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-30574736200073073432010-06-29T19:36:00.000-05:002010-06-29T19:36:57.459-05:00Match.com - The Flordia Beach Edition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcwHZQ1A7otGT-SGZhz1DdxQqQggpc2RojyhzVrEHmPVed8shqzGuoYu_OPxN7cG0PX29-UxFjBQE-7Do-7gAUATSG0t0NSqaPuij-hzwXxMGxjumVEDR0mG6u1ZY64aubTlXF/s1600/128707357516932448.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcwHZQ1A7otGT-SGZhz1DdxQqQggpc2RojyhzVrEHmPVed8shqzGuoYu_OPxN7cG0PX29-UxFjBQE-7Do-7gAUATSG0t0NSqaPuij-hzwXxMGxjumVEDR0mG6u1ZY64aubTlXF/s320/128707357516932448.jpg" /></a></div>You know the drill. I check my Match.com account and I tell you what's out there. Everything in quotes is straight up EXACTLY what these guys say either in their profiles or in a message to me. I give them pretend names here because I don't want them to find me and stab me - or date me.<br />
<br />
Here we go, kids. In their own words....<br />
<br />
<b>Meet Mr. Let's Head for Haiwi:</b><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">I am honest, loving caring hardworking and loves to have fun .I enjoy being outside, from gardening to 4-wheeling and loves football. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">Have never been to Haiwi but would love to go with someone special. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">Ilike the color gold. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">I live life to the fullest and get every minuet out of every day.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><b>Meet Mr. Cuddle Pants Who Enjoys Getting Off:</b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">I enjoy cuddling up around a bonfire by the river, or any kind of water. </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">It's also nice to cuddle up on the couch. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">I WORK ABOUT 40 TO 50 HOURS A WEEK DURING THE DAY. I ENJOY IT WHEN I GET OFF AND CAN RELAX. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;">Well, can't think of much else, if you like my profile I'll try to send you a picture.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><b>Meet Mr. I Desire a Burly Woman Who Will Work For Me For Free:</b></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">I am a farmer so I would also like a girl that is willing to learn the fun things that go with farming. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">I live on a farm so I like to work cows and put up hay. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">I have always wanted to travel up north. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">But I wouldn't mind going southeast to Flordia for the Beach. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">When it is I like to check cows or just sit at home and relax. I usually shop at a farm supply store</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; line-height: normal;"><b>PS Dear Readers</b>: I no longer cling to the belief that any single man in his 30s or 40s can spell, or has even the slightest idea about how to entice a woman to want to date him. Mark the calendar - this is the day hope died. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-57976147841352893372010-06-28T23:33:00.000-05:002010-06-28T23:33:54.163-05:00Match.com - The FRESH HELL editionSweet heavenly love - we are back again, kids. And this time, the batch of available men hitting on my profile is straight up yummy. I can't even wait for you to see what's risen to the top, so without further adieu....<br />
<br />
Here they are, and as always, in their own words -<br />
<br />
<b><i>Mr. Did I Say I Need You to Like Fishing:</i></b><br />
<br />
"WELL IM EASY GOING PERSON LOVES THE OUT DOORS. iM LOOKING FOR A FEM THAT LIKES FISHING AND HAS SOME FREE TIME DURING THE DAY SO WE CAN GO FISHING AND SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER. MUST LIKE THE OUTDOORS, FISHING."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i>Mr. My Profile Pic Was Taken at a Funeral:</i></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLZJs-SGA2XiEP7d84bArFdMTXfayjQj5ukTkZe8DW7ym65xAvCo08qf8eyapMi2F5xV9QvGGXcnj-noAeC84hmtGaG09eN3PAzHiEKxEqhX1bHsgDh8HYkx__mzFtqyV1VwrQ/s1600/cemetery-dude.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLZJs-SGA2XiEP7d84bArFdMTXfayjQj5ukTkZe8DW7ym65xAvCo08qf8eyapMi2F5xV9QvGGXcnj-noAeC84hmtGaG09eN3PAzHiEKxEqhX1bHsgDh8HYkx__mzFtqyV1VwrQ/s200/cemetery-dude.jpeg" width="150" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<b><i>Mr. Book Writer Man:</i></b><br />
<br />
"well is hard to do this part i have travel a lot and ,make friends every where i go. love to see smiles on you !!!!can be funny in a drop of a hat , never need a fire extingisher to cool me . i life on a farm as a boy i have did so much i could right a book."<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 15px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<b>More to come, y'all. Sadly, I feel confident there will be more to come. </b><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-67023326286182116252010-06-23T17:18:00.000-05:002010-06-23T17:18:10.065-05:00The Daily Match.com Report - 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8iL9jlQP8BxvCFTYQYgxaut6MtQDwwieSNL4s86Z1pxmNTg8IlVp2DAkkVHCJh4Yrmy_Z3q1JMGpb65mdXG1TNwb-i9XaHltpAUehtCPpG0zONO81yM-DF51OzC5BbcIS3n7O/s1600/Match-com-FAIL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8iL9jlQP8BxvCFTYQYgxaut6MtQDwwieSNL4s86Z1pxmNTg8IlVp2DAkkVHCJh4Yrmy_Z3q1JMGpb65mdXG1TNwb-i9XaHltpAUehtCPpG0zONO81yM-DF51OzC5BbcIS3n7O/s320/Match-com-FAIL.jpg" /></a></div>It just keeps getting better and better. Hang onto your men, ladies. Sher is heading into the woods with her shotgun and a bad attitude.<br />
<br />
In their own words....<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b>Mr. One Eye Goes This Way & One Eye Goes That Way:</b></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"I'm a business professional at work, at home I'm like to relax and enjoy my home and company. I have a 20 son that is married. They will be a important part of my future."</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">I was crushin' hard on this guy because I'm like to relax as well, but then he admitted he has a 20 son, and it just blew it straight to hell for me. </span></i></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b>Mr. No Photo, But It's Only Because I Don't Know How To Get the Film On My Computer:</b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"I love to be with that special person that just gets me, my funny side my dad side and most of all my alone time with just you and me." </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">Among his interests are "putting in a deck," and putting a lot into his weekend. Match asks what book you read last, and he answers, "read the paper online." Am I in love??? Well hells yes . I dig a well-read man. </span></i></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b>Mr. Let's Go to Cuba Together:</b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Enjoy many diverse activitie's. Enjoy a woman that isn't afraid to initiate first contact. Good moral's, but not like a "nun" or anything !."</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">Since I kicked the habit, this one may be my best bet so far. </span></i></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b>Mr. I'm On the 'Photograph Myself in the Mirror With No Shirt' Bandwagon:</b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"My profiles says seperated, have been seperated for 5 years now, just haven't haven't filed the divorce yet, but the papers are filled out and have been for awhile, so don't let it scare you, i am the same as divorced already."</span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"><i>I'm not scared, man boobs. No, no. Not one little bit.</i></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b>Mr. OH NO I TYPED THIS IN ALL CAPS BUT I'M NOT YELLING</b></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"OH NO DID THIS ALL IN LARGE LETTERS USED CAPS SORRY IM NOT YELLING- -MY MISTAKE- SORRY- HOPE YOU STILL WRITE TO SAY HELLO- BYE BYE - THANKS FOR THE E-MAILS! WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND BEST WISHES! THANKS HAVE A GREAT DAY!A LADY THAT HAS A GOOD LOOK ON LIFE KNOWS WHAT SHE WHATS OUT OF LIFE AND NOT ONE THAT HAS NO TRUST IN A GOOD MAN THAT WANTS TO SHOW HER RESPECT CAREING AND BE BY HER SIDE WHEN THAT COMES TO BE AND RESPECT HER WITH THE WOMEN INSIDE LIKE SHE SHOULD BE AND KNOWS A TRUE MAN CAN SHOW HOW MUCH HE CAN LOVE HER AND BE THERE FOR HER BUT ALSO GIVE HER HER SPACE"</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;"><i>This gem actually went on for about 72 more lines, but I had to stop somewhere. I do need my space. Lord knows I need my space. </i></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-31934917621172975802010-06-22T21:52:00.000-05:002010-06-22T21:52:19.080-05:00Dear Match.com gods,<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSNQ_EOojpKxG4JPoT4cwnmDxRVepdllsj4fpqsNonAlMuf6qZgKEKUbd1Zr6cQd836UqeegnbH9mV10r3kOLPv9Jd-O3ehXmwKDna6v2DpfJpG3_DuebV_RQ4CtiZcMysTWIq/s1600/billy-the-big-mouth-bass.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSNQ_EOojpKxG4JPoT4cwnmDxRVepdllsj4fpqsNonAlMuf6qZgKEKUbd1Zr6cQd836UqeegnbH9mV10r3kOLPv9Jd-O3ehXmwKDna6v2DpfJpG3_DuebV_RQ4CtiZcMysTWIq/s320/billy-the-big-mouth-bass.gif" /></a></div>I realize I have not exactly lived my life as an angel. I get that I have more baggage than Delta and Continental combined. But come on. I've never killed anyone - that I recall. I've never kicked a puppy or smacked an old person. So why you hatin' on me, Match gods?<br />
<br />
Sixty-two people viewed my profile, seven found me worthy, two IM'd me, and one emailed me.<br />
<br />
I'm a bona-fide hot mama.<br />
<br />
Here is today's report. I want so badly to copy and paste their pics for your viewing pleasure, but I'm afraid they'd find me somehow and stab me in the vulva.<br />
<br />
<b><i>(In their own words...)</i></b><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Meet cutoff-sleeves guy:</span><br />
<br />
He has a smoking mustache that goes almost to his knees, and although I can't quite read the tat he's rockin', I think it is some kind of Satanic symbol - or a tractor. He wants us to "get a lil mud on the tires." He is trustworthy, he likes to hunt, and he's not looking for a maid. The good news is he's not rich. The better news is, he's far from perfect or else he wouldn't be on here.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Meet weird socks guy:</span><br />
<br />
He says he's 50. I think he meant 62.<br />
<br />
He's looking for a lover. I know this because he used the word more than anyone ever uses the word. He is an easy going of an individual, and he's been told his best attribute is his heart. I'm guessing he and his cardiologist are tight.<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">Meet my favorite pick of the day </span>- Guy who appears to have Photoshopped some exceptionally ugly children in his pic. But it's not his insatiable desire to be a pretend father that makes me want him. It's the pic of him standing in what appears to be his living room - or the lobby of a nursing home. Behind him, on the far wall, a Billy Big Mouth Bass. Yes kids, a singing fish.<br />
<br />
A singing fish.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-35525729502207707812010-06-21T21:36:00.000-05:002010-06-21T21:36:57.273-05:00I need my schwagger back.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqylDCabuldF6nYikflWO0jetzWCPehM_SY2vnmCay1VIpgC42ar50znI2Dqm4lB-g0xaemIRqa5t1EQ7L97H_5SWECm-TVHLWFN5nFk5-WItA-1SAFD8cuG8-Rifta6n3A0G6/s1600/bandiv.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqylDCabuldF6nYikflWO0jetzWCPehM_SY2vnmCay1VIpgC42ar50znI2Dqm4lB-g0xaemIRqa5t1EQ7L97H_5SWECm-TVHLWFN5nFk5-WItA-1SAFD8cuG8-Rifta6n3A0G6/s320/bandiv.gif" /></a></div>My heart has been broken ten different ways in the last months. It's hard to schwagger when you're jacked up like that.<br />
<br />
So I said to my bestie soon to be ex-eighth-husband, let's do Match profiles and he was all ewwww and I was all, but I need someone to tell me I'm pretty, and he was all ewwwww, and I was all, come on and do this crazy thing with me, and he still kept saying ewwww because we were texting and that's an easy word for him to spell.<br />
<br />
But I did it anyway. And now I'm all ewwww.<br />
<br />
FOLLOWING IS WHAT IS OUT THERE, LADIES.... DO NOT SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. Grab your husband and hang on like grim death, because even grim death is better than what's within 150 miles of me.<br />
<br />
There's the guy whose headline in his profile says: <b>"Does this shirt make me look fat?"</b><br />
Yes, Captain I'm Wearing What Appears To Be My 12 Year Old Son's Shirt. Yes it damn well does.<br />
<br />
There's <b>Snow on the Roof, But Fire Down Below</b>.<br />
I can only assume he has herpes, or pubic lice.<br />
<br />
Mr. <b>I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE CAP LOCKS BUTTON ON MY COMMODORE 64.</b><br />
<br />
Mr. <b>I Like Animals a LOT</b>.<br />
His photograph would indicate he likes to have intercourse with them.<br />
<br />
Mr.<b> I Have a 3 Year Old and an 18 Year Old and I Am Complex.</b><br />
Really? Just really with that? I'm thinking you are not so much complex as completely baffled by how condoms work.<br />
<br />
Mr. <b>Looking For the One Who Completes My Soul.</b><br />
What does that even mean? Do you even know what that means?<br />
<br />
Mr. <b>I Am a #1 Woman Man</b><br />
I have to give you props dude. The fact that you are a #1 woman man made me shoot Sprite out my nose. I'm thinking about getting myself a T-shirt that says I too am a #1 woman man.<br />
<br />
But my FAVORITE, and the one who has stolen my heart, is the guy who is standing in front of a mirror, taking his pic with a camera phone, WITH HIS SHIRT OFF. Oh yes. Yes, he is. Not only that, kids, he has a whole helluva lot going on under the greasy, long, salt & pepper hair he's rockin'.<br />
<br />
"I like true story books. I read about crime. I enjoy mushroom hunting. I like thunderstorms and struggling. <i>(Yes dear readers. He enjoys STRUGGLING.)</i> After years of Match, I'll only be here a couple more weeks."<br />
<br />
Really, shirtless mirror guy? Only a couple more weeks? I better act now, before this good shit expires.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-29133823762732953192010-06-19T18:36:00.000-05:002010-06-19T18:36:25.539-05:00Daddy Dearest<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd2J13Ecu5T9dRCWAtxT1XDMgDor52y2iJjHo5v9LPLJY3fpqg3UvDzcACmvV_EH_5CqunGFl5xqnhUEn_VroQUOjpkytuv88yJ0S-jXYRrKD6uCAWCMtdoyMVvZW23tHX_JGM/s1600/Fathers+day+2010+001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd2J13Ecu5T9dRCWAtxT1XDMgDor52y2iJjHo5v9LPLJY3fpqg3UvDzcACmvV_EH_5CqunGFl5xqnhUEn_VroQUOjpkytuv88yJ0S-jXYRrKD6uCAWCMtdoyMVvZW23tHX_JGM/s320/Fathers+day+2010+001.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">That's my Daddy. The two big-haired chicks are my sisters. They all live in North Carolina so they get to hug each other whenever they want. I would guess they find time for it between tanning, whitening their teeth, and teasing their hair.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">My Daddy can do anything. There is NOTHING you can ask him to do that he can't figure out, except maybe get his wild-eyed daughter Sher to straighten up and fly right.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">That's a puzzle that keeps him up nights. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">He can fix cars, and build houses, and ride a bike without hands, and whistle using a blade of grass between his thumbs. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">He's funny when he wants to be, and funny sometimes when he doesn't mean to be. The time he "punished" my sister and her boyfriend while they were making out by blasting John Phillip Sousa at ear-splitting, airplane engine levels, was HILARIOUS. He wasn't laughing though.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">Come to think of it, I hope it was my sister and her boyfriend. As I get older I find my stories can get all goobered up. For all I know, he blasted me and my boyfriend with God Save the Queen. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">Daddy sometimes reads what I write, although it takes him awhile to find it. It might be 2015 before he finds this, but I can guarantee one thing for sure when he does. I'll get an email that says what he always says when he reads something I've written...</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">"That was sorta funny, but it didn't happen that way. You get carried away."</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-37271263067720519492010-06-17T16:08:00.002-05:002010-06-17T16:11:01.344-05:00Perfection wears a blue hat.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0KCr4IwL8oOgUCbHW1DhM1NzvbMpOljVHlDb0JJWJ4G5zWDnQwNFhP-91EjOGA68WdEc9pnvD0yXjHOzTAGSrg5MdIvl_H-ViYKB0D0e3aAV1K6cigRfUodSyIFPniezABAa1/s1600/IMG00179-20100615-1806.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0KCr4IwL8oOgUCbHW1DhM1NzvbMpOljVHlDb0JJWJ4G5zWDnQwNFhP-91EjOGA68WdEc9pnvD0yXjHOzTAGSrg5MdIvl_H-ViYKB0D0e3aAV1K6cigRfUodSyIFPniezABAa1/s320/IMG00179-20100615-1806.jpg" /></a></div><br />
As I write, I'm laying flat on my back preparing to get up to go fix supper. Upstairs I hear the sounds of that beautiful baby you see there to your left, as he tells his Mom, my daughter, that he will be taking HIS supper RIGHT THE HELL NOW.<br />
<br />
<b><span class="Apple-style-span">Brady - my grandson. My first. </span></b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGAf99YMZBPeGAWkviz33B62ECZHjO38-a2ah5qKf9lQ5kzBzJor-375yes8CIRgWCeqCQ3Aap-G8C9H2CVlD_FiAOCdqqJfJT21J1WUF9sts1Q0jw87jMxfJ9ZLfOOryDrAlg/s1600/funny_granny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGAf99YMZBPeGAWkviz33B62ECZHjO38-a2ah5qKf9lQ5kzBzJor-375yes8CIRgWCeqCQ3Aap-G8C9H2CVlD_FiAOCdqqJfJT21J1WUF9sts1Q0jw87jMxfJ9ZLfOOryDrAlg/s200/funny_granny.jpg" width="138" /></a></div>Before Kitten got pregnant I must have said roughly 88,000 times that I strongly encouraged her NOT to make me a Grandma. Grandma's wear sensible shoes and have their silver hair washed and set at the beauty parlor every week. I felt that at forty-six, I was not prepared to commit to wearing kitty-cat sweatshirts and eating supper every day at 4 o'clock.<br />
<br />
But at twenty-six, my daughter knew best and she and her husband decided to start a family. On June 9th, as I was squealing into the hospital parking lot on two wheels, she was giving birth to Brady via C-Section.<br />
<br />
Everything changed for me in the time it took me to lock the doors and walk up to the third floor labor and delivery, and no one.. I mean NO ONE... is more surprised than me.<br />
<br />
I am staying with the new family for a couple weeks to take care of the mundane things in life so that they can focus on getting set into their new life together. I wash, I cook, I clean - and sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to hold Brady and breathe in the newness of him.<br />
<br />
If Kitten is out of ear shot, I ask him questions. "Where have you been?" and "What was it like before you arrived here?" He doesn't answer, but I like to imagine he hears me. Sometimes I tell him things instead. Things I think are important for a perfect child named Brady to know. "Be nice to people. Being nice is underrated." and "Don't have a hot temper. It's a sign of laziness." I'm hoping my words find a way to stick and he'll be a nice man who never blows up and no one will know how or why, but I will.<br />
<br />
Brady is a game changer. Things that mattered to me prior to June 9th really don't mean as much any more. I find I simply want to live up to who I think Brady deserves to have as a MeeMaw. I want him to be proud that he and I are a part of each other. I want to earn his love... but don't kid yourself. I am not above buying it using cookies and ice cream currency.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-54761082583009630702010-06-10T20:55:00.000-05:002010-06-10T20:55:35.076-05:00Everything is Good & Right.I have no words tonight. I'm exhausted, and I seem to have no control over my tears.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMK9uleJW-ZxoGM9YwBLS2EdBL8ANR5er1nl5e1oRVZ7sWfAONilKyjemxolGmf9bGWwkfyDmrzUUNI9jH8VVVHbn0E6MekYtylk-6q9P03E3662iaIY85VtO3pw5o949o7Cpw/s1600/IMG00123-20100604-1338.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMK9uleJW-ZxoGM9YwBLS2EdBL8ANR5er1nl5e1oRVZ7sWfAONilKyjemxolGmf9bGWwkfyDmrzUUNI9jH8VVVHbn0E6MekYtylk-6q9P03E3662iaIY85VtO3pw5o949o7Cpw/s320/IMG00123-20100604-1338.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35EQBAzM1Ku7fMsqHQAIEWdsMUW1qEuY8Arc9aDn0d2i7QPGxBn1eVTh7tmqi9uAR6_5RhWXAQ4nt4y9beJSohOkUADS4rfq76Vfbw5PlaTxyoqaQwndS6-Mga1505fpjh0_n/s1600/IMG00146-20100610-1148.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35EQBAzM1Ku7fMsqHQAIEWdsMUW1qEuY8Arc9aDn0d2i7QPGxBn1eVTh7tmqi9uAR6_5RhWXAQ4nt4y9beJSohOkUADS4rfq76Vfbw5PlaTxyoqaQwndS6-Mga1505fpjh0_n/s320/IMG00146-20100610-1148.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzRsqFc9IXpSQK1h5ryDePpiyK-0caehoc1WCk9Nf0tbVGjrJm7dvWOZUA0Z67D5t_q9t4sm3NyzaUcAApLpKX0Z8KiZpG8S8GgwFQ8fjU0LNILJSImZbnT8TimorqGCh5Ydaj/s1600/IMG00142-20100610-1144.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzRsqFc9IXpSQK1h5ryDePpiyK-0caehoc1WCk9Nf0tbVGjrJm7dvWOZUA0Z67D5t_q9t4sm3NyzaUcAApLpKX0Z8KiZpG8S8GgwFQ8fjU0LNILJSImZbnT8TimorqGCh5Ydaj/s320/IMG00142-20100610-1144.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzZtni35KLoY8OwXR528vzuWvvwV99A-9tMABCKN9vPAo1CRu1naa9_rG2yqKaWDBN7N4gXGkc-qG4PFRxIkvtkhd3KUkacEAh_Yv6h9L5W75tTEs8xIW3MsplodCS_QhM3QwX/s1600/IMG00151-20100610-1158.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzZtni35KLoY8OwXR528vzuWvvwV99A-9tMABCKN9vPAo1CRu1naa9_rG2yqKaWDBN7N4gXGkc-qG4PFRxIkvtkhd3KUkacEAh_Yv6h9L5W75tTEs8xIW3MsplodCS_QhM3QwX/s320/IMG00151-20100610-1158.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-74719865032052712472010-06-08T01:07:00.001-05:002010-06-08T01:21:35.367-05:00I'm terrified I'm going to cut my own bangs.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX2gV05eC2um1rznYGvjKM1Z2z7PJ5GODFVEl_58O43ykr86CBccVswX5wiZ4SbTRvWo4m6pfQ6rtwSIfWVYLKYjzy8I-dYxctq7smcDOoEuv9kV1ltOturNn5CaUU2zrZaLyF/s1600/rush-limbaugh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX2gV05eC2um1rznYGvjKM1Z2z7PJ5GODFVEl_58O43ykr86CBccVswX5wiZ4SbTRvWo4m6pfQ6rtwSIfWVYLKYjzy8I-dYxctq7smcDOoEuv9kV1ltOturNn5CaUU2zrZaLyF/s320/rush-limbaugh.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I can't sleep and I know myself well enough to know that when I don't sleep, I do bad things. Three out of four ex-husbands agree.<br />
<br />
I am curled up in my bed listening to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Very-Best-Diana-Krall/dp/B000SO7OL6?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Diana Krall</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B000SO7OL6" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> and various assorted and sundry vocalists I admire, and watching <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dispatches-Edge-Memoir-Disasters-Survival/dp/B0027CSNZS?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Anderson Cooper</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0027CSNZS" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> without sound - which incidentally is sort of a great way to watch him. He's way funny in my head. Probably because I imagine him to have a Barney Rubble voice with just a hint of Cockney.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry I said Cockney. It wasn't my intention to drag my sweet Anderson out of the Cockney closet.<br />
<br />
So <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Rush-Limbaugh-Big-Fat-Idiot/dp/0440508649?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Rush Limbaugh</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=0440508649" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> got married. I believe that to be the real reason I can't sleep, I feel like crying, and I have a powerful craving for a handful of Percocet and a spoonful of lard. He married a blonde hottie who is younger than him. I'll pause while you pretend to be shocked. I find opening my mouth very wide while putting my hand over my heart tends to get the job done.<br />
<br />
They met on Match.com. Her interests were long walks on the beach, planning events, (which BTW is rich people code for "unemployed"), making fun of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Always-Looking-Up-Adventures-Incurable/dp/B002LITSEI?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Michael J. Fox</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B002LITSEI" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />, and imagining all the ways to spend millions of dollars while lying beneath a grunting, sweaty, balding, asshole.<br />
<br />
OK. I lied about the Match.com thing. They actually met at a charity golf tournament. If I'm not mistaken, it was to benefit <b>Save the Whales...Because They Make Beautiful Purses and Their Blow-holes Are So Darn Tasty</b>.<br />
<br />
Yes. I'm definitely feeling all these strung out emotions and experiencing this wicked insomnia as a direct result of the Limbaugh nuptials. I'm gonna try to meditate or read or tap dance or something entirely calming so that I might forget and possibly even sleep at some point.<br />
<br />
Or maybe I'll go dig out the kitchen shears and get rid of this pesky face fringe.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://img156.imageshack.us/i/shersig1.gif/" target="_blank" title="ImageShack - Image And Video Hosting"><img border="0" src="http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9325/shersig1.gif" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-28204918570376043122010-06-04T10:08:00.000-05:002010-06-04T10:08:43.553-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh43vSpMmtt0zhloe6_d8FyWgFETbsR6ey-MpS-kaAAmprRCUiGV8AGWkVCDq77W5XIwywDL2SbblKIpGIALd_mRXzA7bVIPG6orKNpM-iEmilJTP04KBHXtSxla9UUKnW_QNPe/s1600/IMG00121-20100602-1648.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh43vSpMmtt0zhloe6_d8FyWgFETbsR6ey-MpS-kaAAmprRCUiGV8AGWkVCDq77W5XIwywDL2SbblKIpGIALd_mRXzA7bVIPG6orKNpM-iEmilJTP04KBHXtSxla9UUKnW_QNPe/s320/IMG00121-20100602-1648.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I feel like I am going to eat that <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pastry-Bible-Rose-Levy-Beranbaum/dp/0684813483?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">pie</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=0684813483" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> that is sitting on my desk. I feel like I am going to take that fork and start shoveling <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pie-Tried-True-Delicious-Homemade/dp/155832254X?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">pie</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=155832254X" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> into my face faster than you can say, "fat ass."<br />
<br />
Here's what I am going to do instead of eating a giant pie. I'm going to talk about what's on the front page of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-1-year/dp/B0012ONLXQ?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People.com</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0012ONLXQ" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />. I have no excuse other than I <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/discover/activity/">stumbled on their website while literally stumbling</a>. Consequently I have decided that no matter how much I think my life sucks goat balls today, at least I'm not worthy of being talked about on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-3-month/dp/B0023EW5RC?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0023EW5RC" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Gary Coleman</b> - Totally sad deal that he passed away, but <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-3-month/dp/B0023EW5RC?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0023EW5RC" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> felt it wasn't sad enough. Did you know that his wife, </span><a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20390543,00.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Shannon Price</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, told the 9-1-1 operator that she really couldn't help him? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I've just been kind of sick. I don't want to be traumatized right now."</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> What the hell? I'm gonna do what we're good at in our society and go ahead and find her guilty of some hinky business before I bother with a trial. Lock her up - but give her some </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Spring-Valley-Echinacea-760-250/dp/B000O3DDES?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">echinacea</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B000O3DDES" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> first. We don't want her traumatized until she feels better.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>John Travolta<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=garagesalechi-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=630471193X&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe> and Kelly Preston</b> - He's 56 and she's his 47 year old </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beard_(companion)"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">beard</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and they're calling her pregnancy a "miracle." As a forty-six year old woman myself, I'm willing to agree with that statement. If my dusty ovaries were to miraculously begin to fire again (with a little help from modern medicine and Scientology money) and I got pregnant by a closeted gay actor who believes he's an alien </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">trapped on planet Earth in a physical body</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">, I would no longer have need of pie. I would kill myself using a rusty spoon and some bailing wire. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Heidi Montag</b> - She's sad. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-3-month/dp/B0023EW5RC?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0023EW5RC" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> has the photo to prove it. I have no idea who the hell she is or why I'm supposed to care. Did she find out she's pregnant with John Travolta's alien spawn, too?</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVYyexl1c2nMXsH3aP6L2wtYS8HfgbaV1IzE9VjP7GFR3-XtAba4-MvF36OthGnRF2QNRkZN6tA0mC3meVSAwE_uF6Cz4-2dHwlhR-_8rttk9MjAkyEJ51sueLd5Y4tAhylhsW/s1600/kim-cattrall-300x400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVYyexl1c2nMXsH3aP6L2wtYS8HfgbaV1IzE9VjP7GFR3-XtAba4-MvF36OthGnRF2QNRkZN6tA0mC3meVSAwE_uF6Cz4-2dHwlhR-_8rttk9MjAkyEJ51sueLd5Y4tAhylhsW/s200/kim-cattrall-300x400.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Kim Cattrall</b> - There's a new blunt bob in town, and I don't mean the rude guy at the Safeway. Apparently Kim Cattrall is "sporting" a new, blunt, bob and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-3-month/dp/B0023EW5RC?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0023EW5RC" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> is completely shaken up about it. Do we love it or hate it, kids??? <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-3-month/dp/B0023EW5RC?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0023EW5RC" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" /> needs to know RIGHT THE HELL NOW! There is a POLL for godsake!</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I don't think I feel completely better, but I can find some solace in having seen what's considered highly important at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/People-3-month/dp/B0023EW5RC?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">People</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0023EW5RC" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;" width="1" />. Sweet lord. At least I'm if I hit my head and am bleeding out, someone will toss me a towel. At least I'm not pregnant... with alien sperm. And at least my hair is not named after a dim-witted Southern cartoon character.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Praise be and pass the fork. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br />
</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSgDrQNj3yNrMgZEa1gGRhG2dWOwMUpEWt7krdX-lQsM0MVB7JuGvL_TT9KlSWe4VdLHZtr14A0TkK_ubPXPOCbh95OoCALs31PClmoDd7Ayjh-5JYxcx6LtamwDwg81GF0bIl/s1600/shersig1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSgDrQNj3yNrMgZEa1gGRhG2dWOwMUpEWt7krdX-lQsM0MVB7JuGvL_TT9KlSWe4VdLHZtr14A0TkK_ubPXPOCbh95OoCALs31PClmoDd7Ayjh-5JYxcx6LtamwDwg81GF0bIl/s320/shersig1.gif" /></a></div>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-35950082669980129552010-06-02T18:50:00.000-05:002010-06-02T18:50:13.934-05:00Dear Brady,<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4gqoOm8gLT3laIF2yt_6RFSXeU5CviU4Oyc3HXTGQc2xdDy7Dltkyg7u6W5Q3_RNGwE6lCXCCJMRDACjTdWEw359x12i2ZLy_j9GVQb_wGg8pZQTiyfxbgGzRx-q6-o09KI77/s1600/brady.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4gqoOm8gLT3laIF2yt_6RFSXeU5CviU4Oyc3HXTGQc2xdDy7Dltkyg7u6W5Q3_RNGwE6lCXCCJMRDACjTdWEw359x12i2ZLy_j9GVQb_wGg8pZQTiyfxbgGzRx-q6-o09KI77/s320/brady.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Your Mom, my Kitten, got to see you today at her appointment. You weigh almost six pounds now and just like your Grammy was in 1964, you are upside down.<br />
<br />
A breech baby.<br />
<br />
Your Great-Grandpa Ralph has always told me I came into this world bass-ackwards and I've had trouble ever since. I'll never say that to you, my sweet boy. Instead, I choose to think you're a tiny dynamo who already has his own way of doing things.<br />
<br />
You make your own rules, Brady. I think that means we are going to get along famously, as that's exactly how I am.<br />
<br />
The doctor says you are going to be delivered to us via C-Section. You are scheduled now to arrive on June 28th, 2010. That means I only have to wait four more Mondays to be able to see that precious, scrunched up face in person.<br />
<br />
I'll be right outside the doors when your Mom & Dad bring you into the world, and depending upon how good my sucker punch is, I hope to be the first to pry you from their arms and kiss those round cheeks. Mommy will have a lot of recuperating to do, and Daddy will want time to care for her and to get to know you, so I am going to be there, in the background, taking care of all the things that need to be taken care of for them. Your little family needs sweet time to get to know each other, and Grammy is going to make sure you get it.<br />
<br />
I'll cook and clean and wait on your parents as if they were staying at the Ritz. They'll never need to so much as lift a finger to get themselves something to drink. But, my darling baby, when they need a nap, Grammy is going to creep into their room and scoop you up so that I can rock you and tell you stories and make you promises. I want to breath you in and I want you and I to have our own little worship service. After all, you'll have just left the Father's arms and I am convinced that holding you will be as close as I ever get to hugging God - on this side of Heaven anyway.<br />
<br />
I want you to know that your picture came to me today, just when I needed it most. In an instant, I went from "woe is me" to crying tears of pure joy. I think that's a sign. I predict you'll always have that affect on me, and on the others who love you.<br />
<br />
I'll see you soon, Baby Brady. I love you. So very much.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Grammy<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.squidoo.com/grandmother-names">(Am I a Grammy or a Grandma or a YaYa? I need help picking a Grandma name.)</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Contact Sherri Bailey at humorwriter at gmail dotcom.<br />
Copyright © Sherri Bailey<br />
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.<br />
<a href="http://www.copyscape.com/"><img alt="Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape" border="0" height="60" src="http://banners.copyscape.com/images/cs-bk-120x60.gif" title="Do not copy content from the page. Plagiarism will be detected by Copyscape." width="120" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-18290301287548122042010-05-20T10:03:00.000-05:002011-12-23T09:43:34.528-06:00Dear Kim Kardashian and Your Cellulite,<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWSgkEKTItfveBOqMs-61QQkos_puG-DWXN5AWuj21J2tG5NVnTgQ0d7r7sjkC2qBgdgWEf9vFd0dhO5JB5nMq1uLbHSnXPG__z8qeqHtw9nm9KHgXz2yPUV3ZN_ywA6vCASyH/s1600/kim_kardashian-bikini%5B1%5D(3).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWSgkEKTItfveBOqMs-61QQkos_puG-DWXN5AWuj21J2tG5NVnTgQ0d7r7sjkC2qBgdgWEf9vFd0dhO5JB5nMq1uLbHSnXPG__z8qeqHtw9nm9KHgXz2yPUV3ZN_ywA6vCASyH/s320/kim_kardashian-bikini%5B1%5D(3).jpg" /></a></div>
First of all, I don't know who the hell you are, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashian-Friday-Ultimate-Sculpt/dp/B001MZ7L7C?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Kim Kardashian</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001MZ7L7C" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />. Seriously. I know I'm supposed to be keeping up with you, but until I figure out why, I'm gonna focus my attention on keeping up with my two <a href="http://www.amazon.com/My-Yorkie-Everything-Yorkshire-Terrier/dp/0793840538?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Yorkies</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=0793840538" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />. If I don't, they poop in the house. For all I know that's precisely why people are supposed to keep up with you, but even if that's true, I'm still pretty sure it's not my week to watch you. I suggest stopping all food and water beyond 7PM. That's what I do for Buddy & Tanner.<br />
<br />
Here's why I'm writing you, Honey. Obviously I have done something in the last 24 hours for which the universe felt I must be punished, because everywhere I look I'm seeing you or hearing you talking about your "less than perfect body" and your cellulite and how you have finally lost that last ten pounds. <br />
<br />
Scooch up close to your computer, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashian-Friday-Amazing-Sculpt/dp/B002KQJNYQ?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Kim Kardashian</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B002KQJNYQ" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />, and listen intently to me because I'm only going to say this a couple thousand times...<br />
<br />
<b>SHUT THE MOTHER TRUCKING HELL UP!</b><br />
<br />
<div id="paragraph6">
<i><b>From your interview in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shape-Get-Lean-4-Weeks/dp/B002AL2TZQ?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Shape</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B002AL2TZQ" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />:</b></i> Kim revealed that tabloid pictures which had surfaced last year, showing the reality star in less than perfect shape, were upsetting, but helped her turn over a new leaf. "It did motivate me to finally drop those last 10 pounds," she said.<br />
<br /><script type="text/javascript"><!--
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-3471048951920287";
/* Blogspot */
google_ad_slot = "1975826041";
google_ad_width = 336;
google_ad_height = 280;
//-->
</script>
<script type="text/javascript"
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
</script>
<br />
Darlin', Honey, Baby Doll, SHUT THE MOTHER TRUCKING HELL UP!<br />
</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashian-Friday-Ultimate-Sculpt/dp/B001MZ7L7C?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Kim Kardashian: Fit In Your Jeans by Friday: Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt" src="http://ws.amazon.com/widgets/q?MarketPlace=US&ServiceVersion=20070822&ID=AsinImage&WS=1&Format=_SL160_&ASIN=B001MZ7L7C&tag=garagesalechi-20" /></a>Upsetting? Really? Let me tell you what's upsetting, Sweet Cookie. What's upsetting is being a real, live, woman who has a body of a real, live, woman and because she lives the LIFE of a real, live, woman, does not have time to do the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashian-Friday-Ultimate-Sculpt/dp/B001MZ7L7C?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Ultimate BUTT Body Sculpt</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001MZ7L7C" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />. <img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=bil&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B001MZ7L7C" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />You know why, Pudding Drop? Because we are working our BUTT's off trying to take care of our families, doing voodoo over our bank accounts, and cleaning up after our Yorkies when we forget to keep up with them.</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNejD7rotD28AUPzofdVNCgq3AmAmho-ztS7OT8CDSjOdyBonJTwlN44AjnfvCrVy_FXtlHBX5C3ZVpmi0UZsKbp_8x95lpakvnWUttpWja-V5gxfcUprmX5zaG6HBxYB-TFXV/s1600/priscilla-presley-now.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNejD7rotD28AUPzofdVNCgq3AmAmho-ztS7OT8CDSjOdyBonJTwlN44AjnfvCrVy_FXtlHBX5C3ZVpmi0UZsKbp_8x95lpakvnWUttpWja-V5gxfcUprmX5zaG6HBxYB-TFXV/s320/priscilla-presley-now.jpg" /></a></div>
<div id="paragraph6">
You wanna know how I got my own "less than perfect shape," Honey Buns? I pushed two babies out my who-ha and I eat frosting and peanut butter when I'm stressed. Know the other reason my shape is less than perfect? Remember that bank account thing I just mentioned? Well, Sugar-Coated Dumpling, it doesn't allow for things like fat-sucking, and collagen injections, and boobie boosts and butt sculpting. Don't bother to tell me you don't partake in any of those delights. Jesus punishes the offense of lying about plastic surgery by slowly turning you into <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Child-Bride-Priscilla-Beaulieu-Presley/dp/0307336956?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Priscilla Presley</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=0307336956" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />. (Forgive me Elvis.)</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
<div id="paragraph6">
When you prance around with your perfectly lovely little body, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kim-Kardashian-Friday-Amazing-Sculpt/dp/B0021204G0?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Kim Kardashian</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0021204G0" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />, and talk to the press about how it's not perfect and about how hard you have to work to make it better and about how cellulite is "not cute", you diminish the worth of every woman, most especially our young sisters, who are looking in their mirrors and finding themselves utterly devastated because they will never look like you. </div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
<div id="paragraph6">
I would gladly pay an old woman with the face of a shriveled apple the sum of 1,000 bottles of chicken lips and butterfly eyes to curse you with one more cellulite dimple every time a teenage girl cries because she doesn't have a body that looks like yours. The very moment I find one on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Making-Craigslist/dp/1592579493?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">Craigslist</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=1592579493" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />, you're in deep <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Kimchi-Authentic-Korean-Pickled-Cabbage/dp/B0035GXXDM?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">kimchi</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B0035GXXDM" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />, Kim.</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
<div id="paragraph6">
What would have been just super-dooper, Monkey Ears, and I'm convinced a much better choice for you, would have been to have said, out loud, and proud, "Yeah! I have cellulite! Suck it!" I would have loved you harder than a goat loves a stump and may have even been persuaded to keep up with you.</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
<div id="paragraph6">
In closing, let me just say this: watch your non-fat back, Ms. Thang. "The Priscilla" is just around the corner. </div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
<div id="paragraph6">
Warmest peanut butter and frosting regards,</div>
<div id="paragraph6">
<br /></div>
Sherri Lynn Bailey<br />
President & CEO of Women Against Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Contact Sherri Bailey at humorwriter at gmail dotcom.<br />
Copyright © Sherri Bailey<br />
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.<br />
<a href="http://www.copyscape.com/"><img alt="Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape" border="0" height="60" src="http://banners.copyscape.com/images/cs-bk-120x60.gif" title="Do not copy content from the page. Plagiarism will be detected by Copyscape." width="120" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6823354.post-42460637727803235092010-05-19T14:58:00.001-05:002010-05-19T14:59:03.021-05:00Who is Sherri Bailey? I'm almost sure no one wants to know.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqyjX7u1JLegU18KPbA_8ISYUjhIqtS1tjsC9UNe82gtXsgg7R8VK7pGpCakJf-g5Ix2Ir2CrRp07x7bvj9n2fRG5IdjYCiApK9NvcBYMJ1zN5ywdwX9nDILvvJH9HhQnp3G1s/s1600/sher-car.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqyjX7u1JLegU18KPbA_8ISYUjhIqtS1tjsC9UNe82gtXsgg7R8VK7pGpCakJf-g5Ix2Ir2CrRp07x7bvj9n2fRG5IdjYCiApK9NvcBYMJ1zN5ywdwX9nDILvvJH9HhQnp3G1s/s200/sher-car.jpg" width="166" /></a></div>Because a little bit of press is coming my way, I'm trying to manage my online presence to be sure I am Sherri Bailey everywhere I need to be. Not <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Obsessive-Thoughts-Gain-Control/dp/1572243813?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">OCD</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=1572243813" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" /> Chick. Not Sher Bailey. Not Navin R. Johnson. When and if anyone searches for Sherri Bailey, I need them to find me.<br />
<br />
So I was asking myself today what it is exactly I want people to know about Sherri Bailey? That's kind of a big question actually because it assumes that I myself know something about Sherri Bailey. I'm not at all sure that I really do. <br />
<br />
Have you ever asked yourself that question? Not about Sherri Bailey, mind you, but about yourself? When I stopped and gave sincere thought to who Sherri Bailey is, I realized three very important things:<br />
<br />
<ol><li>My parents had no creativity whatsoever. It's my firm belief they realized every 3rd house in my small town had a child named Sherri, and felt it would be best not to buck the system.</li>
<li>Because I have <a href="http://www.amazon.com/OCD-Workbook-Breaking-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder/dp/1572244224?ie=UTF8&tag=garagesalechi-20&link_code=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969" target="_blank">OCD</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=garagesalechi-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=1572244224" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important; padding: 0px ! important;" width="1" />, I HATE the number that falls between 5 & 7 so much so that I try never to use it. How is it I only just realized today that Sherri has that number of letters and so does Bailey? I feel I should douse myself in holy water, but I was raised a Southern Baptist and the closest thing we have would be what comes out of the faucet at Uptown Baptist Church.</li>
<li>I suck at sincere thought.</li>
</ol>Tell you what. When I figure out who the heck Sherri Bailey is, I'll be sure and let you know. Until then, as you were. (Unless you were doing something germy in which case, you should go wash your hands.) <br />
<br />
<br />
Contact Sherri Bailey: humorwriter at gmail dotcom.<br />
<br />
Copyright © Sherri Bailey This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.<br />
<a href="http://www.copyscape.com/"><img alt="Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape" border="0" height="60" src="http://banners.copyscape.com/images/cs-bk-120x60.gif" title="Do not copy content from the page. Plagiarism will be detected by Copyscape." width="120" /></a>Sherrihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03403709569483341570noreply@blogger.com4