Wiping The Crazy Off My Face

Everyone has to believe something.

Once in awhile, everyone should stop what they are doing and reevaluate their beliefs. People change, things change, circumstances change. You have to take time to reflect so that you know where you've been and where you'd like to go.

In that spirit, here is a list of things I believe that are the very foundation upon which I build my life.

I believe in wearing seatbelts even if you're only going one block.

I believe there should be a charitable foundation called Children Without Monkeys because my research has shown that children without monkeys often grow up to be serial killers. Jeffrey Dahmer: no monkey. Ted Bundy: also monkey-less. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I believe regret is the worst kind of thief.

I believe we say money isn't everything, and then we give up everything to get it.

I believe that women who wear white sandals with suntan panty hose should be required by law to marry men that wear black dress socks with sandals. That way the rest of us can go about our lives without feeling guilty when we laugh at them.

I believe everyone should eventually find someone to grow old with that is close to their own age so that both people can lose their sight at the same time they are also losing their looks and their hair.

I believe God did not give me big boobs because He knew I would use them for evil. I would have spent my life prancing around showing them off to the exclusion of anything else.

I believe people that use words like plethora and manifesto in everyday conversation make the rest of us look stupid.

I believe that Vincent Van Gogh was the single greatest artist of all time and Andy Warhol was a goober.

I believe the person that wrote the lyrics to the song, "I'm Just A Love Machine" cannot believe that the worst pick up line he ever used is still being played on the radio today.

I believe people who don't spend time laughing each day should really ask themselves what's wrong in their lives and then have the guts to fix it.

I believe if I continue to feed the cat every time he meows, in six months he will be as big as a Rottweiler.

I believe if I don't feed the cat every time he meows, he will eat my eyes while I'm sleeping.

I believe God loves me, laughs with me and at me and sometimes wants to knock me on the head when I waste time feeling guilty rathen than moving forward.

So there's my list. Where's yours?