Cause I said so.
It's no secret, kids. I've been around the block. I've seen it all. I've been there, done that.
As a result of my worldliness, I am absolutely brimming with knowledge and wisdom. It's true. I have an answer for everything and the really good news is, I'm always right. When I give you advice, you have truly been advised.
This afternoon as I was floating around in my tacky, blue, plastic Wal-mart pool on my dollar store blow up raft, I decided it was time to give something back to the world that has been my oyster for so long.
In that spirit, I am going to impart some of my knowledge to those of you a little less informed than I. So, in the format made popular by Dear Abby, I will answer those important life questions you cannot find answers for elsewhere. Get your pencils. You're gon'na want to write this stuff down.
I am twenty-one and in love with a twenty-five year old guy. He's wonderful to me, but I am afraid he might someday cheat on me. How can I tell whether he's the kind of guy that would really love me or the kind that might cheat on me?
Dear Twenty-One Year old whiner,
Check his pulse. If he has one, he's the kind of guy that might cheat on you. At the right time, in the right circumstance, (or should I say the wrong time and wrong circumstance), everyone is susceptible to infidelity.
And while we're discussing reality here, let's address your statement that you are both twenty-one and in love.
I'm sorry Dear, but that is a biological impossibility. Until you are at least twenty-eight, you are simply in heat or you are hoping to play house. You are not in love. Men, on the other hand, cannot fall in love until they reach the age of thirty-four. Of course they will tell you they love you, but in man-talk, I love you before the age of thirty-four really means "I am hoping you and I can sleep together on a regular basis because I'm tired of having to chase it down every night".
And one final thought, you poor misinformed child. Just because Mr. Wonderful "cheats" on you does not mean he does not love you. Men have a device in their souls much the same as a cable splitter you can buy at Wal-Mart. It allows them the luxury of separating love from sex. It was put there so that the species would procreate. Just because they no longer look like cave men on the outside does not mean their splitter works any differently now than it did millions of years ago. Read all about it in your nearest biology book.
My wife always asks me if I think she's beautiful. I tell her she is all the time. What's her problem?
Dear Typical Man,
Here's the deal. Telling a woman something is one thing. Showing her is something else entirely. While it's nice to hear "you're beautiful", a woman would much prefer you act like she is beautiful. If you're not sure how to do that, just try this exercise. Look at her the way you looked at that blonde waitress in the short skirt last night at the Sirloin Stockade when you thought your wife didn't notice.
I am thinking of getting married. Any advice?
Dear person about to do something stupid,
Marriage can be a wonderful thing. I should know. I do it all the time. Providing of course that you are at least in your thirties and you have lived your single life to it's fullest.
However, marriage to the wrong person will feel very similar to having an ax between your eyes every day of your life. You'll be ok for about the first year, and then that ax just gets deeper and deeper until the agony of it is too much to stand another moment and you begin to wonder how it would feel to fling yourself off a very high bridge into very shallow water.
Hang on a minute. I need to wipe the bitterness off my face.
My daughter went to bed with gum in her mouth and now it's all in her hair. How do I get it out?
Dear bad mom who lets her kids sleep with gum in their mouths,
Shave her head and start from scratch.
I'm looking to change careers. In your opinion, what's the most exciting career a guy can have?
Dear Mid-life crisis,
River dancing. It beats everything else hands down.
Is it true you once shot a man just to watch him die?
Dear undercover FBI agent,
Of course not. I shot him just to watch him bleed.
Do you feel like you are sort of mean sometimes?
Your mom is a sweetheart of a person who is never intentionally mean to anyone. In fact, I'd like you to write that one-hundred times.
How do you tell if a gold fish is a male or female?
Dear Mr. I've got way too much time on my hands,
Step 1: Firmly grasp your goldfish, but not so firmly that you squish it's guts out.
Step 2: Gently flip it over.
Step 3: Look for a little gold winkie.
I have noticed that you mention monkeys a lot in your writing. Is there something we should know?
Dear loyal reader trying to get to know me,
I love monkeys. I am a monkey lover from way back. I think they are crazy funny and if I am ever stupid rich, I will own my own monkey who I will dress in a cowboy hat and chaps and name Mr. Piddles.
Conversely, I do not love guinea pigs. I think they are completely unfunny and if I am ever stupid rich, I will buy all the guinea pigs in the world and have them shipped to an uninhabited island in the pacific so they will no longer be able to fool simple minded people into believing they are anything other than rats.
That's it for today's installment of "Ask Sher".
Tune in next week: same bat time, same bat station for more of my gentle words of wisdom.
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Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
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