Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Cooking With The Testosterone Chef
Every man should on occasion make his lovely partner a romantic dinner to show her how much he loves and appreciates her.

For your cooking pleasure, I'd like to share with you Mr. Man's quick and easy recipe for Pork Chops & Rice for two.

What you'll need:

1-  frozen solid family size package of pork chops.

1-  big bag of rice that you think is instant, but is not.

1-  can of cream of mushroom soup.

4-  cups of secret ingredients that you must chop and slice and grind in total secret.

If dinner is planned for 6:00 pm, remove pork chops from freezer at 5:45. Try to shove the entire over-sized package into your tiny microwave. Beat on the bathroom door to tell the woman that the pork chops are frozen and demand that she do something. When she takes too long, tell her you'll do it yourself.

Take a butter knife and pry four pork chops out of package. Yell for the woman to come show you where she keeps the frying pan. Add 1 cup of oil to the pan and turn it on high to pre-heat. Instruct the woman leave your kitchen immediately and allow you to cook in peace. If she is at all slow in exiting your work space, threaten to walk off the job if she interrupts you again.

When oil is smoking properly, throw in chops. Splash cold water on your arms and face to cool the burning skin and then turn the heat down. 

While the pork chops are cooking, read the instructions on the rice. Read them again. Go find the woman and ask her how much rice you are supposed to use for two people. Tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Go back to the kitchen and search for the proper rice-cooking pan. Yell to the woman that all the pans are missing. When she tells you where the pan you are looking for is located, tell her you have already looked there and it is indeed gone. When she goes to the cabinet and hands it to you, remind her that you are really getting tired of her constant interruptions.

Put some water in the pot. It really doesn't matter how much. A cup will probably be about right. Add a cup and a half of rice and turn the burner on low. We don't want a repeat of the scalding oil incident. 

Locate the cutting board right in front of your face, grab a knife from the drawer and all the fresh vegetables you can find in the refrigerator.  Ask the woman where she hides the cheese grater. When she asks you why you need a cheese grater, tell her you plan to grate a bag full of carrots and then boil them. When she tells you that you will wind up with carrot mush, roll your eyes at her. She is clearly jealous of your brilliance in the kitchen.

Begin chopping the veggies with such force that you break the knife in half. Go in the living room and scold the woman for buying cheap knives. Throw all the chopped vegetables in the same pot with the rice and be sure not to add more water. Water is expensive.

When the pork chops have cooked for seven minutes exactly,  remove them from the pan. As long as they are charred on the outside, they are done on the inside. Put them on a plate lined with twenty folded paper towels to soak up the grease.

Allow the rice to cook for forty-five minutes. Tell the woman that she gave you the wrong directions for cooking rice. Argue with her for no less than thirteen minutes about how wrong she is, how wrong the printed directions on the rice are and how you are an experienced rice cooker from way back.  It's not your fault. Obviously in an attempt to save money, she bought factory second rice.

Announce that dinner is now ready to be served and that you hope she likes crunchy rice. Lovingly fix her plate for her and serve her on the sofa in front of the television. Try to act humble when she tells you how wonderful the meal is and how much she loves it when you cook for her.

When the meal is over, check the kitchen to be sure you have left mushy carrots on the oven knobs, empty cans on the counter and broken knives in the sink. Do not clean anything and under no circumstances should you do the dishes. This is what she lives for and you don't want to deprive her of her identity.  She'll thank you later.

Personal note from woman to Mr. Man: Do not attempt to use this clever commentary to get out of cooking again. It won't work.

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Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

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