Friday, August 06, 2004

Cause I said so: the wisdom continues.

Very often as I am sitting around my living room eating pork and beans from a can and watching The Oprah, I am reminded that I really have a lot to offer the world. I'm wise beyond my years and I have a loving spirit that makes me the perfect candidate to tell others how to live their lives.

Lucky others.

That's why I decided to write the second installment of "Cause I said so". Obviously I have the gift of knowledge and it would just be wrong to keep it all to myself. Please feel free to take my words of wisdom to heart and use them to bring about change in your own life.

Dear Sher,
I know that you have a Yorkie. I'm thinking of getting one for my family. Can you tell me what they eat?

Dear Copy Cat,
Yorkies have very delicate palates. If my Tanner is any indication, they enjoy rotten pineapple chunks and old coffee grounds from the trash can. Occasionally he also likes a little cat poop, but only if it's fresh. Naturally, you will want to offer your Yorkie nutritious Science Diet dog food, but don't be surprised if he won't eat it unless you first soak it in dirty sock water.

Dear Sher,
My husband will not help with the housework no matter how much I plead. What in the world can I do to convince him to pitch in? I've written Dr. Phil, but so far no answer.

Dear Woman Who Has The Nerve To Imply I'm Not As Good As Dr. Phil,
It's a good thing Dr. Phil didn't hasn't written you back. He would likely give you some of that gobble-dee goop he calls advice, like "Talk to him and tell him how his not helping is making you feel". Poop, I say!

God gave women the single most powerful tool of persuasion on the planet. The ability to withhold sex! It can be used to get any married man to do whatever you want him to do, whenever you want him to do it.

Want him to take the garbage out? Cut him off. Would you like a new piece of jewelry? Just say no. Don't like the way he chews his food? Remind him that you only favor men who don't have the table manners of a billy goat.

And by the way, Dr. Phil would never tell you about this great weapon of mass control because he is a man. They stick together. When they turn thirteen, all males have to take an oath to back each other up in every situation as part of their initiation into the secret man society. They have secret man meetings, they have secret man decoder rings and they even get secret man newsletters on a quarterly basis. The next time you ask your husband where he's been and he says, "nowhere", you'll know the truth.

Dear Sher,
What's the dumbest thing you've ever done in the name of love?

Dear That's Some More Of Your Business,
It involved tequila, bowling shoes and a copy of True Story magazine. That's all I'm going to say.

Dear Sher,
My friends all make fun of me because on Publisher's Clearing House Day, I get all dressed up and wait for them to knock at my door. I say that's the power of positive thinking. What do you say?

Dear Person To Whom I Feel Superior,
Norman Vincent Peale would agree that you are indeed practicing the Power of Positive Thinking. I on the other hand, am more inclined to believe you are practicing the Power of Seriously You Need A Life.

Dear Sher,

How many children do you have?

Dear Why Do You Want To Know,
I have two. There was that one weekend I got all liquored up in Tijuana though, so there may be at least one more I don't know about.

Dear Sher,
I have a teenaged son and I seriously don't understand but about half of what he says. Can you help me decipher some of the language the kids today are using?

Dear Out of Touch Dad,
Certainly. I am very down with that. I can hook you up with the what up with the teenagers of today.

Basically, if you want to communicate effectively with your son you should say things like, "Son, if you do not keep your room clean to my standards, I will bust a cap in your...." fill in the blank. Or, when you meet your son's new girlfriend, it is considered polite by today's youth to comment on her back for some reason, such as "Son, I have noticed that your new lady friend has got plenty of back". Apparently they like that.

In a nutshell, try to be a part of his culture and he'll respect you for it. Maybe start a conversation by saying, "I was listening to the radio in the Ford the other day and I must say, that Hanson rocks". You two will be best buds in no time.

Dear Sher,
I know that you are a make-up expert and I'm hoping you can settle an argument my friend and I are having. I say it's appropriate to wear blue eye-shadow to match your shirt and my friend says it's not. Any thoughts?

Dear Tacky Person,
Step slowly away from the blue eye shadow and nobody gets hurt. It is never ok to wear blue eye shadow. Never, ever, ever. Not on Halloween. Not on national White Trash day. And certainly not because you are trying to match your eyes with that extra large t-shirt you got free when you filled your Pacer up last week at the Gas & Go. It's people like you that give self respecting trashy women like me a bad name.

Dear Sher,
I went on a date last night with a very nice guy. He has a great sense of humor, a wonderful career and he was probably the kindest man I've ever met. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that he wore white socks with black dress shoes. I shouldn't let that bother me, should I?

Dear Clueless,
You definitely should let that bother you. Men that wear white socks with black dress shoes are just a stone's throw away from becoming men that wear socks with sandals or those disgusting men you see on COPS that never have their shirts on. He is the devil. Never see him again and be thankful you didn't breed with him and produce little white sock wearing children.

That's it for today, Kids. I'm going to go read the Enquirer and plant some new flowers in the giant tractor tire in my front yard.

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Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

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