Thursday, October 28, 2004

Hey, I could do that.

For the past several months I have been working for the public school system. At first, I really liked my job and left each day feeling like I had made a difference. Now I leave each day feeling like I may have helped create one more serial killer. I'm not loving it.

As I have contemplated leaving my current choice of employment, it's left me to wonder exactly what kind of job I would like to do. What kind of job am I qualified for and what kind of job would make me excited about waking up and sucking air every day? They say that you should follow your heart and do what you love.


I have always had an interest in make-up and large hair, so maybe I should be a cosmetologist. The problem with that is that I would make everyone in town look just like me. Men all over the place would constantly mistake normal, everyday women for hookers. That's probably not a good idea.

I love boneless chicken. Someone, somewhere is spending all day and half the night pulling the bones out of deceased chickens just so prissy women like me don't have to do it at home. Maybe I could get a job as a chicken boner.

I'm guessing since I am sitting here laughing hysterically because I said chicken boner, I should probably keep looking. I'm sure only people name Beavis work in chicken boning facilities anyway.

I love Dove chocolate. I could pull a Lucy and work on a Dove assembly line. I think I'd like to be the person that whittles the name on the top of the chocolates. I do have nice penmanship after all. The only potential problem with that is that I have absolutely no self control when it comes to chocolate consumption. I'd likely gain enough weight to sit in a circus trailer and make money just to let people point at me.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea. I could be a circus freak. You get to see the country through a trailer window and it's all the quarters people can throw at you.

When I was in high school I used to love torturing cheerleaders. I wonder if there is any money in that? Possibly if I threatened them with some sort of ugly and frightful deed and then promised not to do it if they paid me a small fee for protection. I kind of like that idea. I'll have to check the state statutes to make sure there is no law against cruelty to cheerleaders.

I truly enjoy driving over the suggested speed on our nation's highways. Perhaps a career with Nascar is in order. I could wear a really cool fire suit and hang out with others who similarly enjoy driving fast. But, then I would have to consider the fact that I would have helmet hair in all the pictures from the winner's circle. That is simply not an option, but as soon as they stop wearing helmets, you can bet I'll give it a try.

Before I was married I used to like men. Once Mr. Man put the ring on my finger naturally any and all interest in the opposite sex ended. Although I may be mistaken here, I believe I might run into a few legal issues if I like men for money. That kind of record would likely ruin my chances at being elected the first woman President. Or at staying married.

I like helping people. Many people have said of me, "My, but you are a helpful person". What if I went back to school to become a nurse. Well... now that I think about it, that's no good either. I pass out at the sight of blood and I can't think I will ever need a job badly enough to clean up someone else's stomach contents for fun and profit. That's too bad though because I look really cute in white.

What in the world am I going to do with myself? Clearly there are no good choices for me when it comes to a job. I have no idea what to do, so my plan is to sit on the sofa and eat potted meat until an answer comes to me.

Hey! Wait a minute. How do you suppose a person breaks in the potted meat game?

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Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
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