Sunday, January 16, 2005

I'm looking for some people.

Well, it's official. I'm soon to be a star. We all knew it was coming. I was destined for greatness, designed for fame. The big fake blonde hair is finally paying off.

I taped an interview for the local CBS affiliate here in the Midwest regarding an event I have planned. Sure, the interview only lasted approximately 3.4 minutes, but that's all the time I needed to make an impression on the scads of talent scouts that I'm sure search for up and coming stars on early morning television. When you've got it, you've got it and kids, I'm pretty sure I've got it.

If I don't have it, then I have something that I need to have examined by a trained medical professional because it's starting to swell and itch.

The interview airs only two days from now, so I'm thinking I'd better write one final thing for all you little people. As I need to make a "to-do" list anyway, I figure I'll just kill two birds with one stone and let you read the list.

To-do list of the new rich and famous me:

1. Arrange a proper burial for two birds and pay OJ a huge sum of money to get rid of a bloody stone.

2. Call the local McDonald's to make sure they catch the TV interview. I'm not waiting for a table there ever again.

3. Hire some people so that I can say, "Have your people call my people and we'll do the lunch thing".

4. Pay off everyone I've ever known so they will not sell photos of me eating Moon Pies and ice cream in my fat pants to the Enquirer.

5. Call Anna Nicole Smith to find out how she gets the M&M's manufacturer to put xanex in the middle of her candy. If I'm going to be a star, I'm going to need a drug habit and I can only do it if it tastes like chocolate.

6. Pre-register with the Betty Ford clinic so that I can kick my M&M xanex habit after I get arrested for beating up a nun and cry to Oprah about how hard it is to be rich and famous.

7. Get my tubes untied and have another baby so that I can name it something like, "Grapefruit" or "Snowdrift" or "Peculiar".

8. Prepare Mr. Man for my fame by explaining to him that he will soon be referred to by the press only as Mr. Crazy-On-Her-Face.

9. Leave some mayonnaise out in the sun a couple days so that I can inject it in my wrinkles and get rid of pesky facial expressions.

10. Get married like a zillion times. Oh cool. I've already done this one.

Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
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Regina said...

While "next"-ing through the depressing world of blogs in languages I don't understand, blogs called "Porn Happy," and blogs trying to sell me life insurance, I was THRILLED to come across a blogger who's actually writing something entertaining and worth spending the time to read.

Good luck with your new stardom and I'll be back later to read more. Fantastic stuff, really. I haven't laughed so hard in days.

Sher said...

Thank you, Regina. You're very kind.

It just so happens I sell life insurance for Old Porn Glory on the side. If you should ever be so inclined, I can get you a policy for only pennies a day.