Thursday, March 31, 2005

Cause I Said So

Why anyone in their right mind would want me to answer some of life's most important questions, I don't know. Maybe it's because you people are not in your right minds.

Dear Sher,

No advice needed at the moment. Just a note to say, I've enjoyed your articles very much. You have some very interesting stories. You are a very attractive woman. (Notice I didn't say "perty")

Although I don't really know you, I feel as though I love you already through your writings. Please consider me when you are in the market for your next husband. Note: Just give me enough notice to jettison the wife I have right now.

I'm a retired law enforcement Lieutenant and weekend rock n roll guitarist. I live at the Jersey shore (very close to Bruce Springsteen's N.J. mansion).

Take care,
P.S. - I'm not a nut.

Dear Person who actually uses the word jettison,

Thank you for calling me a "very attractive woman". It requires a lot of spackle and duct tape to create that illusion, but I have a Home Depot beauty supply punch card, so I get it cheap.

I'm also happy to hear that you love me because you feel like you know me, but I'm afraid if you really did know me, you might not love me. If I'm going to add you to the long list of husbands in waiting, I want you to know what you're in for.

First of all, I like to drink right out of the beverage containers in the fridge and my current husband, the infamous Mr. Man, doesn't care for that. Something about seeing me chug a gallon of milk disgusts him. This from the man that believes in brushing his teeth once a day whether they need it or not.

You should also know that I am right smack dab in the middle of menopause, so if I should run out of estrogen, it's conceivable that I could kill you in your sleep. I'm not a bad person and I'd feel really bad about it later, but you'd probably still be dead.

And finally, you should understand that I get bored with husbands pretty quickly so just as soon as I say "I do", the countdown clock starts. Therefore, you'd need to keep your clothes in a suitcase, your shoes by the door and you wouldn't be allowed to hang anything on the walls.

If you can handle all that, you will be #124 on the list. It's moving pretty fast, so be ready to "jettison" the current wife around February of next year.

PS: Only people who are nuts say, "I'm not a nut".

Dear Sher,

How tall are you?

Dear Coffin manufacturer,

I'm 5'5" except when I drink. Then I am 5'10", I weigh 103 pounds and I have Dolly Parton breasts.
(That's a joke. I quit drinking large quantities of alcohol years ago. As a result, I have gained a lot of weight and my breasts are considerably smaller.)

Dear Sher,
Where should I go on vacation? I'm thinking of either a cruise or the beach.

Dear Rub it in my face why don't you,

Given the current state of the world and the fact that I have OCD, I would suggest somewhere far, far away from water. Perhaps the Mojave Desert. I would also suggest you wash your hands 42 times after you get off the computer.

Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

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1 comment:

Donna said...

Funny, funny stuff, Sher! Thanks for giving me a laugh!