Saturday, March 12, 2005

I don't care for the Tom.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not gon'na take it anymore.

Ok. I'm not really mad as hell, but I've always wanted to say that. I've also always wanted to slap a person right across the kisser when they are freaking out like they do in the movies, but the fear they would slap me back keeps me from it. I'm far too delicate to be slapped.

Here's the real reason I'm writing tonight. I have a friend named Donna for whom I have a huge case of "life envy". She is way cool and writes the best life stories on the internet.

Ok. I'm lying again. She's not my friend so much as she is a perfect stranger I met online. Actually, I don't know how perfect she is. She may be slightly imperfect, much like the socks I'm wearing right now. I just don't know.

Donna is the So Cal Mom who happens to have a life that I find fascinating. She's a fabulous writer and the kind of woman that other women want to drink International Coffees with.

So the other day, when I was cruising her site and feeling like a total failure because she can say she was a writer for Johnny Carson and all I can say is that I once wrote a letter to the editor about the public library, I found myself inspired.

And how did she inspire me? She wrote a little column entitled, "Ten Things I've Done That You Probably Haven't". Her list of things includes things like interviewing Ringo Starr as he remembered his friend John Lennon, being called Sweetheart by George Clooney and getting propositioned by one of the Jacksons. (She won't say which one, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was not Michael.)

Because I want to be Donna in my next life and because I've done some stuff too, I decided to compile my own list for your reading pleasure. Granted, it won't include having a beer with Bono, (yes...Miss Thang did that, too), but I've been around the block a time or two and some of it's well worth mentioning. Prepare to envy me.

Ten Things That I've Done That You Probably Haven't:

1. I rec'd an award from the Daughter's Of The American Revolution for an essay I wrote in sixth grade about Thomas Jefferson. I actually copied most of it out of the "J" encyclopedia with the help of my teacher, but an award is an award and I'm not giving it back.

2. I have been married more times than anyone I know and that includes that red-headed slutty woman in town that wears her collection of roach clips on her purse and has a different toothless man every time you see her.

3. I rode a bus from Ft. Irwin, CA to wherever it is they hold the People's Choice awards in a fancy black dress I bought on sale in a store that already had lower prices than anyone has a right to expect, and saw Jimmy Stewart and Heather Locklear on the red carpet. I don't think they were a couple, but stranger things have happened. Dick Van Dyke was hosting that year, which of course was the icing on my donut. (Jealous???)

4. I gave birth to two big-headed babies without benefit of an epidural or LSD.

5. As I am bilingual, I once ordered a piece of cheesecake at a German restaurant and after being laughed at hysterically, found out I had in fact ordered myself a cheese kitchen. (Maybe I'm not so much bilingual after all.)

6. I went on a date with a person whose actual name was Bubba Dry. I'm not sure, but I think he became a redneck wine manufacturer later in life.

7. I was nearly arrested once when trying to re-enter the US after a day trip into Tijuana. It seems the men with the big guns don't particularly care for mouthy white women who want to know what the hell business it is of theirs what's in the bag anyway.

8. At one of my weddings, I actually used the colors peach and teal. Enough said.

9. I convinced a man I had a crush on that the dog food I had in a little baggie was actually a brand new, ultra healthy snack craze. He did not go on to become one of my ex-husbands. And I do not care to comment about why I was carrying around a baggie full of dog food.

10. And the most exciting thing I've done that you probably haven't? When I was seventeen I went to a party and got stinking drunk. So much so in fact that I kissed an ugly boy named Butch and then threw up in the middle of the living room in front of no less than twenty people... on my white dress. It was only after that little display was I told that I had only been drinking Tom Collins mixer. There was no alcohol whatsoever in it.

Take that, Donna!

Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
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