Sunday, March 06, 2005

People named Rick are funny.

Whether it's the estrogen kicking in or a small, as yet undetected gas leak in our house, I have found myself laughing hysterically this past week. I couldn't help it. Some really funny stuff has crossed my path the last few days. That's a good thing too, because it has helped to balance some seriously unfunny stuff that's happened this week as well. As I always say, it's either laugh like crazy or go crazy. Having done both, I now choose to laugh like crazy. Straight jackets make my butt look big.

I'm going to share this little email exchange with you in hopes you'll get a laugh as well. I'm also sharing it because I'm an extremely lazy person and since most of this was actually written by another person, it was a no-brainer. It has been edited
to remove the unfunny stuff and the stuff that makes me look bad. Rick is a real person and these were real emails. (At least I think he's a real person.)

Dear Sher:
I was just cruising the internet, and stumbled upon your sight. I realized immediately that we must be twins separated at birth, because I have multiple personalities, and once one of me visited North Carolina, or at least he says he did. He was living in West Virginia at the time working as coal miner by day, and singing Loretta Lynn songs by night.

Anywho, I read some of your stuff, and I must admit, it was hilarious. I write a column for a local paper, which, of course, pays me nothing but has increased my fan based from 0 to 1, as my mother subscribes to that paper. This also leads me to believe that we may be kin, as I am almost positive that you have a mother too. My site is at www.RickQuick.com (it was the best name i could come up with). I'd love to get your opinion and possibly chat some, as I plan on living off of my writing someday, and I would prefer that not be a career as a tombstone engraver.

I enjoy your work and have told others about it, but no one listens to me anyway. Yes we do. No you don't. We listened last week when you yelled "stop". I didn't yell stop, I yelled "cop" and dang it, y'all had to slam on the brakes and then he searched my car thinking I was on drugs. I hate those police dogs. They shouldn't allow them to do cavity searches. They have cold noses.

Have a great day,

-Rick Quick
Long Live Spell Check

Dear Rick,

I am actually laughing out loud.... which is something that doesn't happen often enough.

I am so jealous that you have multiple personalities. I've often wondered why I can't be obsessive-compulsive and have about ten people that live inside me as well. I don't mean really tiny little people that would somehow move into my body and set up housekeeping, but rather those Sybil kind of people. I guess God knew that would be way too many hands to wash.

I am equally jealous that you write a column for your local paper. I write one for my local paper as well, but they didn't ask me to write it so it never gets published. Likewise I write columns for the New York Times and the Chicago Tribune, but they have that same stupid rule that you must actually have been hired to be a columnist. I keep writing anyway. Sooner or later the editor is bound to get Alzheimers and when he does, I'm in.

I am on my way to visit your site now. My chicken is burning, but that's ok. (That sounded almost pornographic.)

Dear Sher,

I appreciate you emailing me back. So few people are willing to talk to me after that fiasco with the pantyhose, the neighbors wife, and the goat. It was a very baaad situation. I swear i don't know where the handcuffs came from.

Sorry about your burning chicken. I put a roast in the crockpot this morning. I find that you can cook anything in the crockpot and it never burns. Sometimes, guest complain about me cooking their steaks in there, but heck, I can put them on 2 days in advance and serve then piping hot and very tender. Caution: it doesn't work well when frying fish.

I started writing when I was going through a divorce. I found it to be good therapy. I was too cheap to do real therapy. Well actually I did do some, but by the end, the psychiatrist was on the couch telling me about his mother. I think he secretly wanted me to be his step dad. Unfortunately, his parents weren't divorced.

I hope you like the website. It needs much help, but I wanted something that worked with little or no effort, so I accomplished that. My new wife says it looks like crap, but heck, she married me so she prolly has bad vision. . I plan to re-do it, as most of that stuff is one or two years old. I'll send you some newer stuff if you are interested. If not, I'll send it anyway. I like to send. Clogging email boxes is my favorite sport.

I really don't have multiple personalities. I just drink alot and forget who I am. No I don't. Yes I do. Will you two shut up? I'm trying to write an email. You shut up. No you shut up. Geez! y'all are like too little arkansas girls fighting over a dead cat.

I found your site on a place for southern humorists. I was shocked at the cutting edge humor sprinkled with such blinding sarcasm and sharp wit (geez, I am such a kiss ass). I almost cried when your husband came home with that trunk full of tampons though. I always get emotional when I see such devoted acts of, uh, shopping.

Anywho, I'll holler at you later, provided that I am allowing me to speak.

-Rick

This guy is so funny, I can't stand it. I'm so jealous that I seriously hate his guts. And, I mean that in the most Christian way. Check out his ugly site, but be advised you should not read his work while drinking a beverage of any sort as you will undoubtedly spew it out your nose.

Copyright © 2004, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.


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2 comments:

Donna said...

I understand comedy envy. I felt that way the first time I read you. :)

Sher said...

Awww, Donna. You're the best.
Sher