Here it is again. My birthday.
This one means that I have been sucking air for forty-one years. Wow. That's impressive. I think someone should set a cake on fire in my honor.
I'm cool with forty-one I suppose. Thanks to the miracle of bio-identical hormone replacement therapy and blonde in a bottle, I think I'm holding up pretty well, and I can honestly say that I feel better now than I ever have.
This year I've actually made a list of things I want to accomplish before forty-two shows up. I believe in living life to the fullest, so in that spirit, here is my list of the top ten things I want to accomplish before my next birthday.
10. Really focus on my tap-dancing and fire baton twirling so that I can take my one woman show on the road. I plan to add a dramatic reading of "You're One Messed Up White Boy, Charlie Brown" to the act and hopefully get a gig opening for the Osmond's in Branson.
9. Wear a cape everywhere I go. People just don't wear capes like they used to and I am convinced the world would be a better place if they did. Everyone would feel all super-hero-ish...even when they were buying toilet paper at Wal-Mart. That has to be a good thing.
8. Learn whatever language it is people from Laos speak so that I can understand what Kahn and Minn are saying to each other on King of the Hill. (Also, I should probably learn how to correctly spell Kahn and Minn.)
7. Try to use the words, "Piccadilly" and "ubiquitous" more often in everyday conversation.
6. Learn what "Piccadilly" and "ubiquitous" mean.
5. Try out all the hair color shades I've never tried before. As I think I've tried them all with the exception of "Fresh Potting Soil" by Loreal, this one should be easy.
4. Meet the Spice Girls and Wayne Newton. If I could meet the Spice Girls while they are having a barbecue at Wayne Newton's house, that would be even better. If Tony Bennett is flipping the burgers, I'll die on the spot.
3. Always answer the phone "Bat Phone" or "Sher's Morgue: You stab 'em, we slab 'em".
2. Sell one of my kidneys and take my son to the Mall of America for vacation. Ever since he saw it on The Travel Channel, he won't quit asking when we can go. I tried telling him they don't allow ten-year-old boys inside the Mall, but he doesn't believe anything I say since the time I told him the refried beans were chocolate frosting.
1. Cancel The Travel Channel so that my son has no idea there is anything better than our house.
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