Monday, August 29, 2005

And on it goes.

I can't stop thinking of him. When I try to do something to occupy my time... work, clean, exercise... he's always right there. Part of me wants to think of him, maybe hoping the power of my thoughts can save him.

Every time the phone rings, my heart leaps. Is it him? Is he calling to say he got my letter and I shouldn't worry because he's getting better every day and he is so happy I found him and please let's promise to stay close this time?

"Have you heard anything today," the voices that aren't his on the other end of the phone ask. "Do you know anything new?"

I don't.

"Why can't I stop crying?" I ask my husband. "Why does this hurt so much?" He's been so good to me, the man I married. It occurs to me that not everyone would be as understanding as they watched their partner fall apart over someone else.

I put his picture back in the old chest today. I couldn't look at it any more. It is so painful to see him frozen in time that way. I wonder how he looks now. I can't help it. It's been years since I've seen his face and I can't stop wishing I could see him now. I sent him pictures in my letter so that he could see my kids, my husband and me. I want him to know them.

Knowing there is no good to be found in wishing things had been different, I do it anyway. I wish...

I wish the last time I saw him that I had told him he was too important a person in my life to just disappear.

I wish I had never allowed more than a week or two to pass without talking to him.

I wish I had possessed the strength of character to have stood up to anyone that might have objected to my having him as a constant and dear friend.

I just wish.

Last night as I fell asleep, I wondered if there were any truth to the notion that you can send good feelings to someone. I tried to anyway... on the off chance it might be true. I concentrated hard to settle his stomach, as I was told he can't keep anything down. I feel so inadequate, so helpless and so, so sorry that I didn't try harder.

So now I wait and I hope and I keep the phones close to me wherever I am.

Pray for him.

Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
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