Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Cause I Said So

So often in my life I've heard others say, "I hate people". To me, that makes no sense at all. I LOVE people! I love watching them, listening to them, finding out about them and more than anything else, I love getting email from them asking me what sometimes can be slightly bizarre questions or commenting on something I've written.

Every morning I can't wait to open my inbox, (did that sound dirty to you?) and read whatever email perfect strangers have taken the time to send me. Totally makes my day.

Some emails are funny, some are hysterical, some are nice and some are so clever it makes me feel completely inferior as a human being. Nothing wakes me up like a great cup of coffee and the fresh smell of inferiority in the morning!

Dear Sher,
GOD....you're a hoot! AND I can't understand why you're not rich and famous....your face and words splattered across America. Hell...America! THEE world!

Dear Person who said splattered instead of splashed,

I'm confused. Do you love me and think I deserve to be adored nationwide? Or do you harbor some ill will toward me which causes you to want to splatter my face from coast to coast? FYI, I did note a slight serial killer slant to your email signature and I have alerted the FBI.
(FYI, FBI...wow, I'm on a roll.)

Dear Sher,
Does Mr. Man read your blog? Does it make him mad when you write about him?

Dear Chick trying to steal my man from me,
Mr. Man does in fact read everything I write. Well, almost. He doesn't read the to-do lists I give him on his days off or the secret and oh-so-sad stories I write that begin with, "It was a dark and stormy night...".

Do they make him mad? If he's ever been upset by anything I've written, I am not aware of it. I'm guessing he has been around me long enough to have learned by now how to swallow hurt and direct his pain inward. So far there are no signs of an eating disorder, but I will keep my eyes peeled.

Dear Sher,
Who do you read? Who is your favorite author?

Dear Librarian,
Me. I read me. I like me and my favorite author is...me. I would walk a mile to hear what I have to say and my dream is to have a first edition and personally autographed copy of "Wiping The Crazy Off My Face" signed by me.

Oh, I also like Maya Angelou.

Dear Sher,
Are you syndicated?

Dear Short email writer,
I am not syndicated and how dare you imply that I might be. I have never been so insulted in my life, and that includes the time someone told me I look good...for my age. Syndicated! The very idea that someone as Southern Baptist and fully Republican as I am would engage in syndication is ridiculous. (I said Southern Baptist and Republican in the same sentence. Is that allowed?) I have never been syndicated in my life, I will never give into the temptation to syndicate and I refuse to associate with anyone that does.

Now that we're clear on that, if you click the little Yahoo button you see beneath here, you can add me to your Yahoo home page. That is SO NOT syndication, so get your mind out of the gutter.

Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

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