Sunday, October 30, 2005


I love Halloween. Frankly, I love the whole series of holidays that Halloween kicks off. When trick-or-treat day comes, I know it's only a matter of weeks until my Santa Baby does his thing.

When I was younger, I was all about watching scary movies on Halloween. I was a fan of all the classics: Friday the 13th, Amityville Horror, even The Blob. If it was scary, I was going to see it... and have nightmares about it for no less than six months.

But then I grew up, got married so many times I lost count, and had children. Somewhere in that process, I became scary movie intolerant. I totally can't handle them. In fact, I can't even stand to hear the "somebody is fixing to get their head whacked off" music when Mr. Man is watching a horror flick in another room of the house.

I'm not sure what's happened to me, but I think it has to do with the fact that the real world is plenty scary enough. I don't need to pay ten bucks to get the pee scared out of me when I can turn on CNN for free. Reality is frightening.

With Halloween creeping in tomorrow, here is my list of the top ten things that make chills run up and down my spine... and not in that good way, either.

10. I hate it when little kid ghosts whisper. Especially ones that hide behind your drapes and try to brush your hair or hold your hand while they whisper, "You're pretty, Mommy." I know my memory is sometimes selective, but I think I would have remembered if I had given birth to a ghost.

9. Even worse than little kid ghosts that whisper are little kid ghosts that sing little kid songs in a spooky, ghosty voice. Not cool.

8. I'm afraid to walk around the house in my underwear and socks for fear of having my head lopped off. (In every horror movie, there is always one chick that decides to go check out the creepy noise in the basement wearing nothing but her underwear and socks which ultimately leads to having her head chopped off with a rusty lawnmower blade.)

7. I'm totally afraid I'll wake up crazy one day and I won't know it. I'll be skipping through the streets wearing a tin foil hat and have absolutely no idea people almost never do that.

6. My garbage disposal scares me. I keep having the thought that maybe I'll be walking past it one day and suddenly have the overwhelming desire to shove my hand in it and flip the switch. (Say hello to my little friend: OCD.)

5. Sometimes I take my son to school wearing my pajamas with no make-up on...and before I've even brushed my teeth. I'm terrified I will have an accident and a gorgeous firefighter with big scissors will have to cut my clothes off in order to save my life and he'll be all, "Yuck" and I'll be all, "I swear...I really don't look like this all the time", but he won't be able to hear me because I'll be dying and everything. Later he'll tell all his gorgeous firefighter friends how he had no choice but to let me die because I hadn't brushed my teeth or put on any make-up and he doesn't get paid enough to deal with that.

4. Jello scares me.

3. People who eat Jello scare me even more. Come on...nobody really likes that stuff. What are you trying to prove?

2. Gas pumps are one of the scariest things around. I don't like to touch them. Have you seen some of the people that pump gas? Think about it... everybody pumps gas and puts their grimy hands on the pump handle. Criminals pump gas, lepers pump gas, people who have just washed their hands in toxic waste pump gas. If I ever find a gas station that offers free disposable gas-pumping gloves, I'm a customer for life.

1. The bird flu terrifies me! Yesterday I had an unexplainable desire to buy gummy worms at Wal-Mart. That can't be a good sign.

Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
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