Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Take a memo.

Dear Man,

You know I love you so much it makes my teeth hurt, however I'm thinking I could love you even more if you'd straighten up and fly right. Because I know your mind reading skills are severely lacking, I thought I'd clearly spell out exactly what I need in black and white using easy to understand, real life examples. Let's see if you get where I'm going with this.

1. Before my gynecologist gloves up to root around in my lady business for fun and profit, he sits down with me and we have what is known in the outside world as a conversation. "How's it going, Sher? What's new with you, Sher? Tell me what you're working on lately, Sher?"

It's important to note that at no time does he ask me to pull his finger nor does he ask me why I haven't bothered to fix supper yet. Equally important is that I have never once told my gynecologist that I have a head ache. Coincidence? I think not.

2. When I go to the grocery store the pimple-faced bag boy packs my groceries in bags AND takes them to my car where he unloads them for me with a smile and tells me to have a good day. He has never once waited until I have packed all the groceries myself and then said, "Did you want some help with that?" Neither does he stand there with his arms folded while I do all the work and bark at me, "If I do it, you're just going to tell me I did it the wrong way, so you might as well do it yourself."

3. Each time I get my medicines refilled, my pharmacist asks me "Is there anything going on I should know about, Sher?" I've never gone to get my meds and had him give me the evil eye and say, "You never tell me anything until after it's already happened!" He knows a person who doesn't take the time to ask the questions shouldn't kerbitch when they don't get the answers.

4. Amazon.com totally gets me. They keep track of all the books I've read and based on that, they recommend books they think I'll like. I'm pretty sure there is a little Amazon elf that understands he can find out a lot about me based on the books I enjoy reading. He pays attention to what interests me. What do you think interests me? You might be surprised to know that I almost never read anything involving cooking, cleaning or the joy of picking up your husband's dirty socks. You did know I could read, didn’t you? I thought maybe since you don't write me sweet notes any more maybe you had forgotten I knew how.

5. The Schwann's guy is seriously trying to steal my heart. Like clock work, he shows up every two weeks and says, "I just wanted to see if there was anything you wanted or needed." WOW, a man that is all about fulfilling my needs and wants. The really cool thing is that when I tell him what I want, he runs back to his truck and gets it for me immediately. I'm going to bet if he were to walk in my bathroom and noticed the empty bottle of perfume that's been sitting on the counter for three weeks; he'd get the hint that maybe that's something I wanted and run back to his truck to get it for me. Better watch your step, Sporty Spice. I'm about one frozen pizza away from hopping on his truck and riding off into the sunset.

There you have it, Mr. Man. In the words of the sexiest bald man in the world, "Make it so, Number One".

"You won't regret it, women don't forget it, love is their whole happiness. And its all so easy…try a little tenderness".

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Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
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