Friday, February 03, 2006

Here's a mirror. Have a look.

I'm supposed to be working right now and I suppose if drinking diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and listening to 80's music could be made to sound like work, then I'm hard at it. Hey... I'm in the office acting all real-estatie waiting patiently on some people to whom I am going to show a home in just a little while.

Don't be like that. Acting real-estatie is not easy. Sometimes it even stings a little.

Today I've been out and about performing random acts of sucking up so that people who have never met me will decide that I am without question the sweetest Realtor in the entire free world and will not be able to stop themselves from falling to their knees and begging me to sell them a bajilion dollar home. As of 3:31 PM, no one has fallen, but I'm hanging in there. I figure if I can be dedicated enough to sit through several bad marriages while waiting for Mr. Right to show up in his shiny police car and sweep me off my feet, I can handle this.

During my county wide suck up sweep, I stopped sucking only long enough to have lunch with the evil red-headed Berta Lou. Our lunches are less about eating and more about gossiping, but don't tell my father that. Gossiping is a sin.

One of the topics that came up was men. Imagine that. She and I happen to know one or two of them up close and personal and frankly, we're a little confused.

It seems there are any number of men we know who we happen to think are... um.... shall we say, less attractive than they themselves think they are. While I'm sure I'd be pretty accurate to assume they see themselves as at least a solid "8", we see them as a solid "ugly".

However, and here's the confusing part, they seem to get women like nobody's business. Young ones, old ones and all ones in between.

"But Sher," you might say, "I'll bet these women are also probably equally unattractive and possibly do not even have all their teeth."

You'd think so, wouldn't you? And yet, no. Not so much ugly or unattractive as cute, pretty and on occasion, smart even.

How does this happen? Would someone kindly explain to me how a man who is nothing to write home about never goes for more than five minutes without a woman and when he's done with one, there is always another to take her place? Is it the man shortage I've heard so much about? Is some sort of hypnotism or drink spiking involved?

Or is it that women sometimes want a man so badly, they'll lower that bar so far down that the only thing capable of crawling under it is a snake?

And my analogy there was not unintentional. Snake pretty much sums it up. Lying, cheating, skirt chasing snakes... every last one of them. Not content to appreciate the one amazing woman they somehow tricked into thinking they're something amazing, they continue to hunt more... and more... and more.

Help a girl out here. What's going on?

We know guys who are losing their hair, some who are sporting a big ole Buddha belly, some with the manners of a drunk raccoon and some whose idea of an intelligent conversation begins with, "Wanna hear me burp the national anthem?". Even these men wind up with a varitable stable of women who are more than willing to love them, live with them and Lord help us, marry them.


Listen, I don't know what the heck is going on, but I plan to ponder it and in so doing, at some point before I die, I will figure it out. Well, so long as there is no math involved. Math makes me cry.

By the way, in the interest of CMA, let me add this disclaimer:

This commentary is in no way talking about the men I actually like. (Like HD, BD and some more guys with D somewhere in their names.) The rest of you, don't hate me. It's the spots in my boobies talking. They make me an angry white woman.

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