10. Iron Michael Buble’s pants.
9. Write a song about the yummy goodness that is spaghetti utilizing lots of rhyming words like…Serengeti and pigeon-toed Betty.
8. Execute an elaborate gum stealing plan with the evil red-headed Berta Lou and break into the Willie Wonka gum manufacturing plant in Boise where we will chew our weight in Super Big Ass Bubble Gum before we are inevitably caught by the Oompa Loompa’s and held without bond in their tiny little jail where I will have no choice but to force the evil BL to offer them freaky Oompa Loompa sexual favors in return for our freedom.
(Don't feel bad for her. It's not like she hasn't had to do it before.)
7. Convert my fire batons from gas to propane and choreograph a routine as homage to Hank Hill.
6. Figure out ways to make my boobs look bigger without actually having surgery. Perhaps a little duct tape, some carefully applied blush or a small-busted actress who I will pay to stand next to me wherever I go.
5. Teach the dogs to stop being so cliché. There is no reason they have to say, “bark” all the freaking time.
4. Make a rum cake.
3. Convince Mr. Man I’m baking a cake even though I only have one ingredient. (And a straw.)
2. Rewire the house so that every time someone flips a light switch, Angelina Jolie gets an oozing canker sore on them big ole lips of hers. Remember kids, I have OCD and frequently feel like I have to flip lights on and off 21 times. You’re welcome Jennifer.
1. Call some local & national organizations and offer my services as a motivational speaker and hypnotist who specializes in past life regressions and rebirth. Of course, Rain Man was an excellent driver and I’m an excellent motivational speaker and hypnotist. Gotta go now. Wapner in five minutes.
Copyright © 2004-2006, Sherri Bailey
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