Word to your mother, medical guys.

Problem: I check into the hospital and before I know it, some guy in a mask shows up and shoves a needle right in my vein. Before I can even say, "Hey guy! Stop that!" I'm totally asleep and ready for surgery. Once I'm asleep, a bunch of other guys in masks stand around me, pointing and laughing.

"Look at her nose," one guy will say. "It's too small for her face."

"Yeah! Why are we removing her thyroid when she clearly needs a nose augmentation?"

"I know! I know!" another mask-wearing guy will say. "Let's pose her in funny ways and take pictures and put them on our website, www.uglysleepingwomen.com."

Stupid mask-wearing medical guys.

Solution: Make a phone call to somebody I like to call John Stosell and explain my predicament.

"Here's the thing, Johnny. I have reason to believe that while I'm lying prone in the operating room, somebody will have one too many shots of Jose and one thing will lead to another and the next thing you know, pictures of me naked, with no make-up on, my finger up my nose and some guy's tongue on my eye ball, will fly around the internet just like Paris Hilton's sex tape. No make-up John!"

He'll be all over it. That kind of thing is right up his alley. The only thing that would make it even more irresistible to him is if I tell him there is a distinct possibility one of those mean medical guys might get some sperm on me. John loves a good sperm in the wrong place story. He'll bust out his black light in nothing flat.

Once he's on board, I'm going to ask my 20/20 idol to hook me up with one of those cool hidden cameras they have over there at ABC. Since I am going to be pretty close to nekkid, I got to thinking a hidden camera could present a problem as it might be hard to actually hide it. I figure something in a nice boobie cam or a hidden coochie cam might be in order. As the area of surgical interest is in my neck, surely they'll never find it if I hide it in my 'down there'.

You may stop for a moment and admire my brilliance. I shoulda been a Dick Tracy. Or, in the interest of truth in advertising, a dickless Tracy. Either way, those awful medical guys will rue the day. (What the hell does that even mean?)

My surgery is Wednesday, so be sure to check your local listings for me and my thyroid on 20/20. It's gonna be must see TV.

Disclaimer: Kitten, Mommy is sorry I used words like "hell" and "coochie" and "down there" and "Tracy". Fear has a way of making good women go bad.


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