Monday, January 08, 2007

I warned you and yet you couldn't stop yourself.

Dear Sher,

...I have been amazed at how many similarities I find between us. I also love Michael Buble and recently took my 21 year old daughter to see him in Reno. Unlike you, however, I don't so much want him as my next husband so much as a son- in- law. I also love Stewie Griffin, which I am fortunately able to justify with the fact that I have a 13 year old son.

...Anyway, I am glad to hear that your surgery did go well and I hope life is easier for you without that pesky thyroid thingy.

Dear Long Lost Siamese Twin (which is hard to do, by the way),

First of all, I would give my daughter anything. A kidney, money, I'd even give her my fire batons if she ever took an interest in the art form. But Michael Buble? Are you kidding me? There is only so much sacrifice a Mother can make.

Second, I don't justify my Stewie love to anyone. Is it unnatural and weird and childish that I am a huge fan of a cartoon baby with an English accent and a penchant for world domination? Absolutely. But then, I am known for being unnatural, weird and childish.

And finally, thank you for your kind wishes for my thingy removal. I love people that use the word "thingy" to replace other words. If you were a guy, I'd marry you.

Dear Sher,

If I can't pee when I'm alone in the house without closing the door, so do you think that means I have an OCD problem or something?

Dear Private Dancer,

Um, yeah. You win the award for craziest OCD question ever posed to Sher. Based on that, I'm going to go ahead and give you a big fat yes to the "or something".

Dear Friend,

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel. I got your contact from a professional database found in internet while searching for a reliable and honest person that will be an anointed steward in a vision very dear to me.

I am Mrs. Isabela Rodrique person from Puerto Rico undergoing medical treatment. I was married to Dr. Castillo Rodrique who was a gun runner supplying arms and ammunition to warring factions in Africa before he died in the year 2002. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 11.8 Million Pounds Starlings (Eleven Million, Eight Hundred Thousand Pounds) with a Fiduciary company. Presently, this money is still with the Fiduciary Company.

Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my partial paralysis. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an organization or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want an organization or individual that will use this to fund, women and youth groups, victims of war, environmental protection, charities, orphanages and widows or properties for orphanage homes. It is said that blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and as a part of restitution for the atrocities of my husband which I tacitly supported. I don\'t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. If you consider yourself adequately equipped morally and spiritually for this mission, please send me a brief memo of how you intend to use the funds. Thank you and God bless.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs. Isabela Rodrique

Dear Mrs. Isabela Rodrique,

You have no idea how thrilled I am to hear from you. Wow! Eleven million pounds from a gun runner I've never met. Sweeeet!!! I knew posting my email address on the internet where anyone could find it would pay off.

You said you'd like to know how I intend to use the money, so here goes:

I plan on spending the bulk of it on creating a charity that is near and dear to my heart.My most sincere desire is to boost the esteem of war torn women and widows by providing for free breast augmentation to as many of them as possible.

To be honest, this idea was really more my husband's. He and I were watching news footage of a war torn country full of flat-chested orphans and widows and he, with tears in his eyes said, "You know what I wish more than anything? I wish that some how, some way I could be found through a professional data base and offered a massive sum of money from the widow of a former physician/gun runner who is dying of cancer so that I could put it to good use by giving all these war torn women bigger boobs."

You can see that our matrimonial home is filled with love for others. (Most especially my husband's love for others. He's sweet like that.) You can also see that Mr. Man and I are totally equipped morally and spiritually to handle your dough while you are all snuggled up in God's bosom.

Please send the cash as quickly as you can as you are already partially paralyzed and set to drop dead in the next ninety days. I prefer PayPal.

Happy Birthday, Elvis. I still love you awful and as I always am on your birthday, I'll be dressed in my pink poodle skirt waiting for you at midnight. (I've been very good this year.)

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