Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Lisa Nowak, you had me at Depends.

I am nothing if not a dignified woman. I always have my make-up on when I go out in public; I am known to routinely wear shoes with mad high heels; and I almost never spit in mixed company. (I would probably be OK with the spitting thing, but I’m no good at it. That’s why there is often chewed gum stuck to the outside of my driver’s side door.)

Let’s face it, kids. I’ve got classy coming out the wahzoo. And tomorrow I will have a whole lot more than class coming out my wahzoo.

It may be just another Thursday to you, but for me it will be National Colonoscopy Preparation Day. In anticipation of the celebration, I picked up all sorts of liquid excitement at my local pharmacy.

“Awww. Poor Sher,” said my pharmacy girls. They looked at me with their smiles turned upside down and their eyebrows furrowed while they clutched their chests. So distraught were they when I handed over my prescription, I wondered if maybe Mr. Man had dumped me and I just didn’t know it yet.

When the pharmacy tech plopped a giant container with some white powder in it on the counter in front of me, my dignity left the building. It didn't help that two old men waiting for their old man drugs nearly had an infarction. "That’s not mine!” one yelled. “I know what that mess is!” said the other.

Fabulous. And it only gets better from here.

“Umm, Sher, we are going to just give you your Dulcolax suppository for free. No charge, Sher. No charge at all for your DULCOLAX SUPPOSITORY! It's complimentary. We’re just going to put your FREE DULCOLAX SUPPOSITORY right here with ALL your OTHER LAXATIVES!”

Judging by the volume and enthusiasm of her voice, I half expected her to hop up on the counter and shout, “Give me an L! Give me an A! Give me an AXATIVE!!! Goooooo Sher!”

I was relieved I hadn’t taken off my dark glasses, but that relief was short-lived when I realized I was wearing a jacket with the name of my employer on it. I am in our company’s TV commercial and so more often than you'd think, I actually get recognized. Up until now it’s always been, “Hey, aren’t you the lady in the real estate commercial?” Now I’m pretty sure it’ll be, “Hey, aren’t you the lady who buys laxatives by the trunk full?”

Apparently free suppositories aren’t the only thing that gets this pharmaceutical chick crazy excited. When she was putting all my Colon Blow goodies in a giant bag, she could barely control her delight. “The good news is this LIQUID LAXATIVE THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE DRINKING TOMORROW comes with flavor packets! Yay! Let's see. You’ve got your pineapple-orange and your orange-pineapple and your orange! Yummy!”

She totally has me sold on the astounding power of the flavor packets. It’ll probably taste just like a milkshake or a daiquiri or raw sewage.

Once I was at home with my fun in a jug and away from the person with the volume control issues, I decided I’d better read over the medical information sheets my pharmacy provides.

“Do not drive or operate heavy machinery when using Colon Blow as it may cause drowsiness.”


“Do not drink alcohol as it may intensify drowsiness.”

I have to admit I’m experiencing a little trepidation after having read that. I’m not a medical authority, but it doesn’t seem very efficient to me to make a person drink a gallon of Colon Blow, another small bottle of Sparkling Colon Blow, a Colon Blow pill and of course, the famous FREE DULCOLAX SUPPOSITORY and then have them nap.

Maybe they are counting on my being able to multi-task.

I have no idea what to expect, but I’m going to have Mr. Man blow up the air mattress and put it in the loo, just in case. I used to be quite the sleep walker back in the day, but no sense in taking chances.

You know, now that I think about it, I’ll bet that Lisa Nowak wasn’t nuts at all. She was probably just on her way to a Colonoscopy.

The late, great Phil Hartman and the hilarious Colon Blow commercial.

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