Thursday, March 01, 2007

Don't you wish your girlfriend was healthy like me?

My life is extraordinarily magnificent right now. So magnificent in fact, I think you should stop wherever you are and allow envy to wash right over you. (And then go wash your hands ‘cause envy is full of germs.)

Everyone I know thought I would bounce right back after my gallbladder surgery just like Tigger.

Tigger. You know. The bouncy tiger from Winnie the Pooh? Jeez. Do I have to explain everything? I guess while I’m explaining I should also explain that everyone I know is French for nobody but me.

Because you stranger people and I have such a tight blogger-reader connection, I feel like I need to be blunt in a way to which you may be unaccustomed, so brace yourself for my brutal honesty. I may even say bad words.

I feel like crap. I do, kids. I really feel like complete fecal matter. My tummy is sick, my left ovary hurts, and I can’t eat anything and I mean anything, without suffering the sensation of having consumed a heaping bowl of fresh bricks floating in liquid soap.


I never thought I’d say this, but I think I miss my gallbladder. Sure it was diseased and gross, but at least I knew what to expect with it. (Come to think of it, that precisely describes my relationship with my first ex-husband.)

Since Surgeon cut it out, I feel like my body is mad at me, with my stomach being the maddest. In view of the fact that in the last few months I’ve voted my thyroid and my gallbladder off the island, its clear to me she’s worried about whether or not she’s gonna be the next to go.

If she doesn’t straighten up, she might be.

Oh, and let’s not forget the whole Mr. Man ordeal. Remember how he had the nerve to get a herniated disk right before my surgery? Well Tuesday is his surgery date in the Big City. That’s right. More surgery is in store for the Crazy on Her Face family. More time off work. More house getting messier and messier. More, more, more.

I’m crazy excited. Crazy anyway.

We’re going to get through all this, though and when it’s over, we’ll be the single healthiest husband and wife in the whole, big world. People will come from far away to stand near to us, leave gifts at our feet and soak up our wicked healthiness. We’ll be just like that grilled cheese sandwich that looked like the Virgin Mary.

Keep reading, blogger readers. I plan on documenting this medical journey like I have never documented before. Think of me often, send me good vibes and in the name of all that is good and decent, if you have a yummy cocktail recipe that uses vanilla Ensure, send it to me immediately.

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1 comment:

Tidewaterbound said...

I know you feel like crap, but I thank you so much for letting us know you are still hangin' in there. Get better soon...and I need to figure out a way to vote some of my 'excess' off the island (where are those medical hoovers when ya want 'em?)

Hugs to ya Sher and thank you so much for all.

Carol (Tide)