Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Quiet down, class. I'm about to deliver a tongue lashing.

I hope you’ve been paying attention, because today we’re having a pop quiz. You will circle the correct answers (with a #2 pencil, please) and at the end, you’ll receive your grade. There are no essay questions, so you will not have the opportunity to BS me by using a bunch of superfluous, ten dollar words…even though you know how much I love them.

Our topic for this test is “Things Women Ask Men”.

1. “Do you still love me even though I’m not as young and pretty as I once was?”

a) Complete silence. If you are very, very still, maybe she’ll forget what she just asked you and devour another victim.
b) Yes. I still love you.
c) Are you kidding? You are more beautiful now than you were the first time I saw you and I worship the ground you hover above.

2. “See that woman over there in the shorts that show half her coochie and the low cut shirt that says, “Spank me”? Do you like it when women dress that way?”

a) Not only do I not like it, I just threw up a little in my mouth. By the way, when did I eat sauerkraut?
b) I’m sorry, Honey. I didn’t hear you. I was staring at the hot chick.
c) What woman?

3. “You always tell me you loved me from the moment you saw me. If that’s true, what was I wearing the first time we met?”

a) Seriously, when did I eat sauerkraut? I just threw up again.
b) You were wearing that one outfit with the thing around the top and the legs and… you remember, right? Remember? It had the leg holes and the arm holes and everything?
c) I can’t remember the outfit you were wearing because you were so beautiful, I couldn’t think straight.

4. “I’m not feeling well, so I think I’m going to lie down a few minutes. Could you put the laundry in the dryer?”

a) What am I supposed to do for supper?
b) Poor baby. Do you want me to bring you some tea?
c) We have a dryer?

5. “I don’t want anything for my birthday, OK? Especially not a party or presents or anything.”

a) I don’t blame you. Who celebrates birthdays at our age anyway?
b) Do you really mean it this time, or am I going to get my ass handed to me again this year for doing what you tell me to do?
c) You may not think your birthday is a big deal, but how could I not celebrate the day my pretty baby was born? I’m sorry, but I love you too much to ignore it.

And now, your answers.

Question 1: The correct answer is C. Anything else and you can forget sex for at least a week.

Question 2: The correct answer is either A or C, although the smart man will always go with C. Answering with B is the same as saying you do not want sex for at least seven days.

Question 3: C is the only way to go. If you answered A, you have food poisoning and should seek the help of a medical professional. B equals sexless week ahead.

Question 4: If you answered something that was not B, you may as well sleep on the couch for somewhere between 6 and 8 days.

Question 5: C, C, C, C, C. Did you get that? The answer is C. An answer of A or B may as well be followed by, “And I don’t want to touch you until next week.”

PS: Special thanks to our sponsor for this pop quiz, Mr. Man.

“Mr. Man: Proudly saying the wrong thing since 1999.”

Your music video for today: This guy is totally on my coveted next husband list. Sure, he's a little scary, but he's perky.

Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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Sornie said...

Those questions seem to pop up more often than I prefer but I've gotten good at giving the answer the woman wants to hear.

moodswingingmommy said...

Too funny! Sadly, I think my husband would still answer some of these incorrectly. Ya think he'd have learned by now!

Sher said...

I love it when one of your kind admits to telling us what we want to hear. I have no problem with pretty lies. ;-)

They don't learn! Except for sornie. He learns. He gets us.

ArkansasAnnie said...

The Bollywood Marriage Proposal dude is OK. But you have so many potential husbands on your list, and I have yet to acquire the very first husband, yet alone have a list. I am becoming very envious. Do you think we could work out a deal for the Toad Suck Guy? In Arkansas at age 34 I am considered an old maid.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

I took your test. I got a perfect score. I guess it depends on who you're married to as to how you answer the questions.

This is a great test. I hope you don't mind that I shared it with ...well.....everyone I know.

Thanks for visiting me. I've been reading your stuff. It's all good. I'll be back for more.

Blessings to you.

Sher said...

AA ~
You know TSG is wildly in love with me. I make no deals and I never willingly hand over a potential husband. I need lots of them in my man pool to feel safe.

Alpha Dude,
I'm not sure because I've spent the day writing man tests and am therefore tired, but I think you just slammed me a little. (Depends on who you're married to.) But then you were nice to me, so I forgive you.

Diesel said...

I just change the subject to shoes.

Random Ponderings said...

First off, a week without sex is WAY too lenient!
Most often, all of these or similar questions pop up in one week alone!
I don’t know about you but I’m lucky if I get so much as a grunt as an answer to any question. Usually it’s a blank stare into oblivion (mouth open, drool dribbling down the chin). Unless it’s about gettin busy. Ohhhh how the light bulb turns on then! (drooling, dribbling mouth still in effect).

I say after the 3rd strike, they’re out!
1 quarter of the year for every wrong answer or non-response.
They’ve got to get with it after the first 2 quarters!

If not, oh well, chances are that if they aren't getting a decent test score on your test, then the test in bed is getting a similar grade!

Dorky Dad said...

CRAP! I failed. Thank God this was only a test. Thanks Sher for saving me!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Sher, I wasn't slamming you!
I was just honoring my wife!

Oh yeah - and all that nice stuff I said about you?

I meant every word.

Sher said...

As in "Hey, look at my shoes!" or "Hey, look at the hot chick's shoes!" Huge difference.

You are clearly a tough as nails, man-eating machine. I respect you immensely... but let's not punish ourselves while making them pay.

I am easily swayed by nice words, so it's all good. Also, I have something known as selective short term memory loss. I'll forget what you said in five minutes anyway. Or not. Depends on my mood.

As far as your wife goes, the rest of us whose husbands almost never remember to honor us may kick her butt a little. (Same reason I tortured cheerleaders in high school.)

ArkansasAnnie said...

OK Sher, as you yourself said "the gloves are off". TSG will be mine!

Sher said...

Dorky Dad,

You are welcome. I'm all about public service.


Brang it.

TSG said...

Ladies....Ladies.....Please, I've been reading Sher's blog for quite while, and she may be a little weird, you Annie are downright scary. I think I will take my chances at being shot by Sher some night rather than being torn limb from limb by "Fluffy. What kind of person names a killer attack dog Fluffy anyway?

Mr. Fabulous said...

I totally nailed this quiz!

Sher said...

You should be so lucky as to be shot by me some night.

Mr. Fabulous,
That's why they call you Mr. Fabulous.