I hope you’ve been paying attention, because today we’re having a pop quiz. You will circle the correct answers (with a #2 pencil, please) and at the end, you’ll receive your grade. There are no essay questions, so you will not have the opportunity to BS me by using a bunch of superfluous, ten dollar words…even though you know how much I love them.
Our topic for this test is “Things Women Ask Men”.
1. “Do you still love me even though I’m not as young and pretty as I once was?”
a) Complete silence. If you are very, very still, maybe she’ll forget what she just asked you and devour another victim.
b) Yes. I still love you.
c) Are you kidding? You are more beautiful now than you were the first time I saw you and I worship the ground you hover above.
2. “See that woman over there in the shorts that show half her coochie and the low cut shirt that says, “Spank me”? Do you like it when women dress that way?”
a) Not only do I not like it, I just threw up a little in my mouth. By the way, when did I eat sauerkraut?
b) I’m sorry, Honey. I didn’t hear you. I was staring at the hot chick.
c) What woman?
3. “You always tell me you loved me from the moment you saw me. If that’s true, what was I wearing the first time we met?”
a) Seriously, when did I eat sauerkraut? I just threw up again.
b) You were wearing that one outfit with the thing around the top and the legs and… you remember, right? Remember? It had the leg holes and the arm holes and everything?
c) I can’t remember the outfit you were wearing because you were so beautiful, I couldn’t think straight.
4. “I’m not feeling well, so I think I’m going to lie down a few minutes. Could you put the laundry in the dryer?”
a) What am I supposed to do for supper?
b) Poor baby. Do you want me to bring you some tea?
c) We have a dryer?
5. “I don’t want anything for my birthday, OK? Especially not a party or presents or anything.”
a) I don’t blame you. Who celebrates birthdays at our age anyway?
b) Do you really mean it this time, or am I going to get my ass handed to me again this year for doing what you tell me to do?
c) You may not think your birthday is a big deal, but how could I not celebrate the day my pretty baby was born? I’m sorry, but I love you too much to ignore it.
And now, your answers.
Question 1: The correct answer is C. Anything else and you can forget sex for at least a week.
Question 2: The correct answer is either A or C, although the smart man will always go with C. Answering with B is the same as saying you do not want sex for at least seven days.
Question 3: C is the only way to go. If you answered A, you have food poisoning and should seek the help of a medical professional. B equals sexless week ahead.
Question 4: If you answered something that was not B, you may as well sleep on the couch for somewhere between 6 and 8 days.
Question 5: C, C, C, C, C. Did you get that? The answer is C. An answer of A or B may as well be followed by, “And I don’t want to touch you until next week.”
PS: Special thanks to our sponsor for this pop quiz, Mr. Man.
“Mr. Man: Proudly saying the wrong thing since 1999.”
Your music video for today: This guy is totally on my coveted next husband list. Sure, he's a little scary, but he's perky.
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