Saturday, May 19, 2007

Do you really think you can effectively stalk two women?

Dear Sher,

Good news, I have a girlfriend. Now a new problem has come up.

It all started when my friend (Fudd), a professional river guide, asked me to run his commissary boat for a three-day river float trip for four city dudes. The commissary boat carries the tents, sleeping bags, cooking equipment and personals so the dudes won't loose all their possessions while they are upside down in the river. The boat operator sets up camp and cooks too. Well, had I known these were city dudettes. I would have refused. Anyway, turns out one of these girls likes me! Who knows why, I was sorta grouchy with them. I think it might be my fish-cleaning skill she admires. She has been back to visit several times since the trip. She is coming for a week starting in June. I think she may be serious because on her most recent visit I took her to UFS and she bought a sleeveless flannel shirt. Great, right? Well..........

If she were a different religion, or another race, no problem, or a different generation, people now accept that.

The problem is; I am clearly dating outside my looks. This girl is several degrees up the hotness scale, and definitely out of my cute-gory. I myself have no problem with interfacial relationships, however, lately the remarks run to things like "is that your girlfriend?" "Man she's hot" No one has said anything directly, but they might as well just come out and say; what is a chick like that doing with a redneck like you. Come to think of it my Father did say that. All I could come up with in the way of a response was "look at Larry King's gorgeous wife". That old coot can't even stand up straight. Pretty lame response, but it was the best I could muster.

Obviously marriage is out of the question, I can't imagine what hotness-equality laws would be transgressed should that occur. Rehab is a possibility I suppose.

I am in desperate need of your advice. It is starting to affect my work. Just Monday, I accidentally ( I think) dropped a 2 foot diameter oak tree six feet behind the skidder that Eight-Ball was sitting on, shortly after he said something like "how did YOU ever score such a hottie". I know if I smash the skidder they'll fire me for sure, and the boss is a relative.

I thought this would be a great relationship, but the discrimination down to the Toad Suck Pool Hall is causing me stress and pain. Who knows what her girlfriends think, or say.


Dear TSG aka My Official Stalker,

You were wise to contact me for relationship advice. As I marry frequently for fun and profit I consider myself a total expert when it comes to men and women. I offer my divorce scrapbook as evidence.

First of all, how very Toad Suck Guy of you to meet a chick somewhere near a river. The obvious question is, are you sure she is not a he? I have a hard time believing four actual women with actual breasts would float down a river willingly. Was some shifty guy that looked like Kevin Bacon standing behind her looking all menacing?

Just because she had a chick voice and had fancy nails doesn't mean she wasn't really a confused police officer who likes big man hands and women with very short hair and very deep voices. (Sorry. I was drawing on one of my many personal experiences there with little regard for my reader. That's so me.)

Assuming you are right and she is in fact a girl, I'm a little worried about the kind of she that she is. Sure, men say they want a woman who can do all the things they like to do, like going out into nature for no good reason, but they really don't.

Think about it, TSG. If she is a fishing, camping, floating woman, how in the world are you ever going to get away from her by telling her you're going on a fishing trip with Cooter for the weekend?

Regarding her level of hotness in relation to where you think you rank, this is not a problem for two reasons.

Number 1: 99% of women prefer humor and intelligence over hotness when it comes to their mens. If you are homely, I recommend shoving things up your nose during dinner and saying words like "smattering" and "perpetuity" as often as you can. We only notice your pot belly and how bald you're getting when you're mean to us. Always be nice to us and you'll look good forever. We're crazy like that.

Number 2: Don't be stupid, stupid. We are only hot when we are in heat. The very minute we are positive we own your soul, the make up comes off and we walk around in your boxers with Vaseline all over our face. We're never as hot as you think we are... we're just good with Spackle and hair spray and we fully appreciate the value of standing next to truly unattractive women as often as we can. It's all about compare and contrast, Baby.

You can do this, TSG. I have faith in your ability to lie your way into a healthy relationship with this woman. Just remember these three phrases and you'll be all good.

"Of course I remember what you were wearing the first time I saw you."

"What woman? I was staring at that guy's shoes."

And the most important phrase in every relationship arsenal, "It wasn't me, Honey. You have video? Still wasn't me. Witnesses prepared to testify under oath? All I'm saying is it wasn't me."

Good luck, Bubba.
PS: Think I'm kidding about chicks being closet ugly? This is me without Maybelline.


Jami said...

TSG - Listen to Sher! She knows what she's talking about! But I might add just a little suggestion or two. You might want to substitute "car" or "truck" for "shoes", just to avoid possible questions about ... you know ... your sexual proclivities. And on the last one, throwing in an occasional "It's always been you" or "You've always been the only one for me" along with the "It wasn't me" breaks up the monotony. Although I realize that it's easier to memorize just one phrase for use in those delicate interrogations.

Sher said...

Of course I know what I'm talking about. I have to admit though, the substitution for truck or car probably sounds much manlier than shoes... even though they all notice the shoes. If they didn't, Mr. Nike wouldn't be a go-zillionaire.

brent said...

How good of you to set TSG straight. Women are sneaky, sneaky, crazy and sneaky. Sadly, although I can type this until I am blue in the fingers but mean will still chase after them.

I just one myself, gotta go.