Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Last seen looking fabulous.

Dear Readers,

Please print this as it may be used as evidence in the investigation of my disappearance.

Today my ex-wife-in-law and I are going to the Big City to peruse insanely expensive tanning beds for the crazy exciting new business venture we're working on.

Sounds pretty normal and not at all scary, right?

Yeah. You're wrong.

So she found this guy online who says he can hook us up with said insanely expensive beds for a little less than insane. "Where's your warehouse?" she asked.

"Ummm, I can tell you where it is, but I don't know the actual address," said the man whose last name is Jones or Smith or some other cheap hotel last name.

So we're off momentarily to meet up with this shady character who I'm guessing will have forgotten his keys and need a bolt cutter to gain entry into his business. She and I will either be raped and pillaged or wind up on COPS after helping him break and enter.

Light a candle for me (preferably one that smells like a cookie) and send us good non-raping vibes. If you haven't heard from me by 0600 hours tomorrow morning, please get together and hold a vigil. But don't use the picture on this blog when you're talking to Matt Lauer! And don't use my driver's license picture either!

Just go ahead and use this one.




Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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14 comments:

TSG said...

I hope you will be safe, however, should you fall victim to some nefarious activity, take heart knowing that a group of booze-crazed Arkansas loggers will cheerfully avenge you. We will reduce the offender to a mass of quivering flesh. We will then erect a wooden cross with plastic flowers at the site, and paint the date of your untimely demise in the rear window of logging trucks all over AR.

The mere mention the fact that you actually know people nicknamed Eight-Ball, Crazy Ed, Smoky, Bubba, Elbow and Cooter should be a real deterrent to any sane person .

Jami said...

I've got all the national news outlets, as well as the BBC, on speed dial. As soon as you let me know that you're not OK, I'll call 'em and they'll be on the tragedy like ... well, like the national news media on a tragedy.

(Just as an aside, the word verification for this comment is "frkuu" and I think that's funny.)

LarryLilly said...

I can see it now, ten years from now, a new "Silence of the Hams" movie. This time the FBI newbie makes friends with a taxidermist from Conway Arkansas serving time for his role in the slaying of a Tyson hog manager. It seems that it was discovered that the hogs he was selling to Tyson were feed discarded cat food made by Menu foods and recalled by the area piggly wiggly's back in 2007.

Anyway, during a key moment, this Arkie tells the FBI guy that he knows of these two women mummified and sandwiched in a tanning bed stuck in a Uncle Bobs storage yard in Siloam Springs.

Thats where you come in.

OK, so if we dont see you tomorrow at 0600 hours, I contact an agent and get to work LOL.

Jami said...

TSG - nicknamed? It's scary if you know folks whose actual given name is any of those listed ... or Peckerhead.

(... and the word verification for THIS comment is "humggo" and I think that's even funnier!)

ArkansasAnnie said...

Hey, missed you and TSG at Toad Suck Days. My dog is also good at tracking, maybe we can use one of your white sox to track you down!
TSG If you hadn't put "nicknames" some peckerhead would ask if that was their given name.

Sher said...

TSG:
Thank you for using the word "nefarious". You know what that means to me. Thank you even more for offering to avenge me. No one ever offers to avenge anything for me. As I'm currently alive and not kidnapped or killed, stick a pin in all that but be ready in case my day sucks tomorrow.

Jami,
Just knowing you have the national media and BBC on speed dial makes you a person I will always be nice to no matter what. Should I ever fall down a well or get into a fight with Paris Hilton, I will let you know immediately.

Larry,
You scare me a little. I like that about you.

Jami,
Your word verification amusement tells me you must have had a xanex waffle this morning.

AA,
I was on my way to TSD but was sidetracked when a man asked me if I wanted to buy some magic beans. Long story short, I only just stopped hearing the roses in my yard singing Candle in the Wind. I was in no condition to drive. Or lick toads.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

I have to read these things more carefully. I've been sending you powerful non-rapping vibes, so...don't get your hopes up about ever recording with Snoop Dogg.

Sher said...

Drive By,
You are so freaking funny! However I believe I've been perfectly clear regarding how I feel about people who are funnier than me.

I curse you.

TSG said...

Larry only scares me if he is NOT from Arkansas.
someone needs to buy the film rights for that story. It's sure to be a hit!

LarryLilly said...

I am not from Arkansas, but I stayed at a holiday inn there once.

I am from NYC, as in get a rope, but I have lived in Oklahoma for 25 years, and now Texas for the past 8. When I was in the oil budness, i worked some in Arkansas, and now at EPA, i did oversight for the State of Arkansas for some time, so the town names I know, and which places you dont want to drink the water LOL.

Sher said...

TSG,
Not everyone can be from Arkansas.

(Do you know how much I'd love to say something funny/mean/clever about Arkansas right now? And yet, I got nothing.)

Larry,
Tell the truth now. You know it's not safe to drink the water anywhere in Arkansas.

TSG said...

Check this guy Larry out Sher, He wasn't in AR. long enough to pick up the dialect. In Arkansas you say "Rat Fan Day Ta Be Ina Ol Bidness". Like Ta See An Oakie Goin Home With A Texan Under Each Arm. He's good though.

Sher said...

Honey you speak to me as if I myself were of Arkansas-anian decent.

Say it with me now....
North Carolina.

Land of tobacco and racism and child brides and the word y'uns.

Jami said...

The REAL breakfast of champions: Xanex waffles (how'd you know?) and a cup of codeine cough syrup.