Monday, July 30, 2007

Have cape, will travel.

I’ve decided I want to fight crime for a living. Not like my friends and my husband who have to use a badge and a gun and a giant ego to fight it though.

I want to fight crime in a very caped crusader kind of way. I’m of the opinion that to truly be respected as someone who takes crime fighting seriously, a really cool mask and themed costume is quite necessary. That’s exactly what’s wrong with law enforcement today by the way. Too much badge and too little crazy cool mask.

I know I for one would be far more likely to behave myself if I were pulled over by a guy wearing bat ears and a black mask. Everyone knows attempting to flee from someone involved in a dynamic duo situation is futile.

I don’t want to fight crime by anybody else’s definition of what a crime is either. I want to pick and choose what needs fighting based solely on my whim and desire.

And I have lots of whims and desires.

For instance, this weekend the Evil Red-Headed Berta Lou wanted me to go with her to something called The Battle of the Bands. Because I do whatever the Evil BL tells me to, I went. Also in attendance at this insanely loud event were two people who we’ll call Thing One and Thing Two.

Thing One was a highly repellent looking creature who looked to be in her mid-fifties. Her hairstyle was circa 1973 and she had the graying complexion of someone who has been chain smoking filter less, hand-rolled cigarettes since kindergarten.

Pretty, pretty.

Thing Two was a wimpy looking guy around the same age who weighed just about eighty-five pounds with five of those directly attributed to the weight of the grease in his hair.


Their crime? Their seemingly voracious appetite for one another.

Yes, I am a freak about inappropriate PDA’s (public displays of affection) and I admit it.

I can tolerate hand holding if it’s absolutely necessary… and by necessary I am assuming that one of the two is feeling faint and there is no motorized scooter or licensed EMS person readily available. But I can stomach nothing more.

When two people are all snuggly and touchy-feely in public I don’t think it’s cute, or precious or sweet. I think it’s gross and icky and completely criminal. These two Things were groping each other like perhaps they were wearing bubble wrap in their underwear and were playing a vigorous game of Pop It.

Gross as it was, I couldn’t stop looking at them. I do enjoy the Discovery Channel after all and as I missed the special on the mating habits of the North American Overweight Wildebeests, I felt compelled to see exactly how it all works.

FYI – the male wildebeest apparently arouses the interests of the female by constantly rubbing her back while simultaneously dangling a Marlboro out the side of his mouth and dry humping her leg.

I looked all around the concert area in hopes of finding anyone who might save the crowd from this repulsive x-rated exhibition. While I spotted several men in badges that could have easily shot these randy savages right in the head, they did nothing. No shots were fired and no one was handcuffed and taken downtown.

All that has to happen for ugly people to procreate is for those who have guns not to shoot them in the head.

Had I myself been certified as a caped crusader, I could have deployed my lasso, took them into custody and gotten the commissioner to throw them out of the city. Of course later on I’d have had to battle them after they fell into a giant tub of acid while trying to perform the Venus Butterfly, but I’d be willing to risk it.

Footnote: I still don’t know what the Venus Butterfly is. Curse you 80’s lawyer show.

Heard this the other day and remembered I loved it terrible back in the day.

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Jami said...

EEwwwwwww! That's all - just EEwwwwwww! I swear that couple must travel around the country because I swear I've seen them at least twice down here. If they were both missing some teeth and had a couple of skanky blurry tattoos, then I KNOW I've seen 'em here. Oh, and it's always at some venue where it doesn't cost anything.

Shit! Now I'll have the mental picture to deal with all day. But I guess I can counteract that picture with the other one: you in a cape and tights and a mask with a lasso. (Do you think you could carry some handcuffs, too?)

Sher said...

You're welcome.

It was unsavory, to say the least.

Handcuffs? Well duh. How else am I to force citizens to submit to my will?

LarryLilly said...

What did you wear when you went trick or treating as a kid?

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Inappropriate PDA’s (public displays of affection) have never been a problem for me.

I consider myself fortunate if a girl is willing to be seen in public with me at all. Sigh...........

Jami said...

Sher - shoulda knowed you'd be carrying handcuffs. I'm assuming you use the bristly rope lasso? Oh, and bungee cords?

ArkansasAnnie said...

I always keep a box of flex-cuffs handy. Never know when there will be a party!

Catwoman said...

I went to one of those ahem, adult toy parties once, and they were selling a Venus Butterfly.

I'm assuming that what you're referring to is different, because I'm pretty sure using an adult toy in public with your nasty mate would be a whole different level of PDA.

Sher said...




Bless your heart, Toad Suck Guy.


Yes, you should have! My lasso is of the Wonder Woman persuasion. The whole gots to tell the truth thing.


I'll just bet you do.


I'm not sure I can chew back my supper after getting a mental picture of that. Gross as they were, I would imagine breaking out a toy wouldn't have been to big a stretch.

Jaesoreal said...

I wouldn't be a "crime fighter." I'd be a crime abuser. With the things I'd do to crime it couldn't even be considered a fight! As a matter of fact, it would be criminal what I would do to crime! Police would be like "hey man, that's enough! Let the crime live!

Diesel said...

Wouldn't it be great if the Discovery channel would actually do a documentary like that?

Tami W. said...

Last weekend I was at a free concert on the sand at Huntington Beach and I swear that couple you describe was there! Kiss, kiss, rub, rub, slobber, slobber. It. Was. Gross. I tried giving them the "cease and desist" stare but it didn't work.
I thought very seriously of slipping the band a $20.00 and telling them to dedicate this next song to the gross out twins playing grab ass in the top row of the quad...then asking them to play "Why don't we do it in the road?"

Also...I saw Nick Gilder at a teeny tiny concert in Anaheim way back in the '70's. He is absolutlely the whitest and skinniest man I've ever seen.