Sunday, July 01, 2007

The Kansas Beach: A Travel Channel Top Ten Pick for the Undead.

I’m afraid of zombies. There’s no shame in that so don’t think you’re going to humiliate me by pointing and laughing and telling all my friends on the playground I am a zombie-a-phobe.

Some people are afraid of the dark (count me in) and some people are afraid of heights (color me terrified).

I am horrible scared of zombies.

If you’ve just flown in from the Australian outback where you have lived in a cave with a bone through your nose for your entire life, you may not know what a zombie is. (Politically correct disclaimer! I have some very nice Australian readers, so I do not actually know if people in the Australian outback live in caves with bones through their noses, but I’m sure they are lovely people either way.)

For those of you naively unfamiliar with zombies, Wikipedia defines a zombie as an animated human body devoid of a soul.

I would say that my first husband was by definition a zombie, but in truth he was the exact opposite of animated. Although he was most certainly devoid of a soul, he would not actually qualify to join the Local Zombie #502.

The thing about zombies that most frightens me has nothing really to do with the fact that they are dead people. In fact, I have nothing against dead people at all. Ask anybody. Casper was a dead guy and he was nice. Vampires are dead and I find them highly attractive. (Doesn’t hurt that vampires are always rich, too.)

Conversely zombies appear to have no pride in themselves whatsoever. They are always dressed horribly…clothes all torn and nasty and their hair is perpetually crazy and dirty. Don’t even get me started with their teeth.

Just once I’d like to see a zombie in a nice suit who had taken a couple minutes before walking out the door to eat the flesh of the living to maybe comb his hair or swish a little Listerine.

The thing that totally freaks me out about zombies, though, is the way they walk and make those guttural zombie noises. I threw up a little just now even thinking about it.

Would someone please explain to me why it is necessary for them to always have their heads tilted at a freakish angle, arms outstretched, dragging their feet as if they were wearing cement shoes? I could maybe understand it if their reanimated body were one whose manner of death involved a broken neck or perhaps had suffered from some type of palsy prior to being buried. I mean, sure. You have to play the hand your dealt.

But no one is going to convince me that among the hundreds of thousands of zombies that inhabit the US alone, every single one is occupying a jacked up body. Odds say that at least some of them were great athletes or super models or at least walked straight and held their own heads up before they kicked the bucket.

So why am I so focused on zombies today?

Well for one thing, there was a zombie movie on TV and even though I knew it would make me sleep with the lights on, I watched it anyway. The biggest thing that turned my mind toward zombies however was when my ex-wife-in-law called to tell me all the water currently on the Kansas shore is no doubt going to un-earth all the cemetery dwellers who will then float down Main Street.

I know better. They aren’t going to float. They are going to crawl out of their holes, one boney hand at a time, and walk around in that stupid zombie way searching for decent air-sucking people like me.

For all I know, I could be a zombie by tomorrow morning. That’s how it works, you know. It’s like dead people chicken pox, only there is no lotion that can make you stop being undead. If there were, I would own a barrel full of it and slather it on every night before saying my prayers.

Until these flood waters have subsided and I am notified by State and Federal Officials that the risk of a zombie attack has subsided, I plan on staying indoors and away from windows. If you never hear from me again, know that I went out fighting. If you do hear from me again, but notice my column is loaded with words like, “uuuuuuugggggg” and “gggggggrrrrrrruuuuuummmmm”, step away from your computer and go wash your hands. No sense in you catching it, too.






Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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14 comments:

TSG said...

Have no fear fair maiden....help is on the way.

Jami said...

Just use all that duck tape and plastic you stockpiled after 9/11 (I KNOW you've still got it!) to seal yourself in your house until after the wet zombie crisis has passed.

More importantly, I want to know how come there's nothing that will repel or even outright kill zombies. Werewolves: silver. Vampires: garlic, crosses. Mummies & Frankenstein: fire, villagers with pitchforks. Alien invaders: germs. Zombies? Shotgun blast? Screams? Nada.

Sher said...

Jami,

Actually TSG just sent me a pic of what promises to be some pretty effective zombie repelling lotion. I'll let you know how it works out.

Until then, I'm wearing my "I heart eating brains" t-shirt so they'll think I'm cool and leave me alone.

Frank & sisters said...

Your blog is very interesting!
Please, send me the photo of your pc desk and the link of your blog.
I'll publish on my blog!.
Thanks Frank
EMAIL: pcdesktop1@gmail.com

Jami said...

Soooo...ya know what vegetarian zombies eat?

Grains.

BrentD said...

If you do turn into a zombie, (and I hope that you don't) please continue to write. I am positive that even in a coordination impaired state of zombiehood, you humor would somehow ooze through the keyboard and over to us.

Of course, I would have your ooze virus-scanned, but after that it would all be happy laughter.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sher said...

F&S,
Hmmmm.

Jami,
;-)

Brent,
Coming from pretty much the funniest man on the net, that means a lot.

Comment deleted,
Got your IP address at CableOne, got the town where your computer sits and also know you wound up here via a forward of flood pictures.

Clearly you think computers are anonymous because you type the word anonymous.

I know who you are and you are welcome to email me directly to tell me how much you dislike me. Otherwise shut the hell up and go away.

TSG said...

If any Zombies read my latest post, I'm sure you will be safe.

Catwoman said...

We're also quite flooded in Texas, and I have to say, I didn't give this any thought before.

But now? I'm quite terrified.

My strategy if the zombies come in? Play dead.

This works great to avoid zombies and sex.

Sher said...

TSG,
I'm sure they are terrified. Thank you.

Catwoman,
I hope all is well there. My family is safe and dry, but sadly so many others weren't as fortunate. I feel very bad for everyone so devastated in this mess.

And yes, zombies and sex. Gotcha.

LarryLilly said...

Cheney is a zombie, but he is from Wyoming.

He fits all the characteristics, human form, devoid of a soul.

But then, so are a lot of politicians.

But doesnt Cheney remind you of Mr Burns of the Simpsons?

SURFS UP IN KANSAS, and we have had over 20 inches of rain in "Mistake" Texas aka Mesquite Texas since June 1.

So its surf city Texas as well. But the coastal zombies down south, they will be the biggest ones when ALL that water gets down there.

Sher said...

Larry,
I think there are probably a lot of zombies in politics, yes. ;-)

I hope you're all safe and dry there.

BTW... did you find my blog by reading my columns in The Parrot down there in Texas? Just wondering....

Jami said...

Larry, it's always surf's up AND zombies up down here on the 3rd coast. Oh, wait - the zombies are just the city council and county court. See, we were smart enough down here to bury most of the real zombies in concrete ABOVE the ground, just because we've got experience with floods and all. I live on the downhill end of the Brazos and I know these things.