Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Consider this a public service because the OCD Chick cares.

I overheard something the other day that let me know there are still a lot of women floating around out there who do not understand the “Sex Rules”. Granted the large majority of them are under thirty, but it remains a problem among some older women as well.

To simplify this for you, following is a contract containing the Sex Rules that I suggest you print and carry in your purse next to your single girl condoms. When presented with an opportunity to do the do, protect yourself and your partner by getting both his signature and yours before you even consider getting into his 1983 van.

As a savvy and intelligent woman, I understand and acknowledge the following to be true:

1. No matter how sincere your eyes are or how often you repeat it, I understand that I do not look just like Jessica Biel.

2. I realize that in order for you to do your best work, you must believe that you are the best I’ve ever had and in fact so good that I’ll never be able to look at any other man the same way. Not a problem.

3. If at any time you cry or even look like you’re going to, I recognize that it does not mean you have had an emotional break through because of your deep and story book feelings for me. I’m guessing it has something to do with your Mom catching you with a copy of Playboy when you were 14 or the time that one night stand you picked up at Buddy’s Bar pointed, laughed and left.

4. If you want to see me again, please ask me three days from now as I realize you are about to speak a language even you don’t understand and over which you have no reasonable control. Anything you say during our brief and intimate time together will not be held against you or mentioned again. Toward that end, I further understand any marriage proposal that comes out of your mouth, no matter how vehemently you swear you really do mean it, does not mean I can immediately call my sisters and plan a trip to the Tulle & Bead Warehouse.

5. I have been fully educated on “Male Short Term Memory Loss” and its causes and effects. Therefore when you don’t call, I get that it’s because you can’t remember my number or in the most severe cases of MSTML, my name.

As a horny and or drunk male whose brain is currently swimming in testosterone, you understand and acknowledge the following to be true:

1. During the next five to seven minutes, I may make any combination of the following absolutely true statements:
a. You are the best I’ve ever had.
b. I’ve never seen anything like that before.
c. Sweet Jesus!

2. I realize you have been taught that my on button will be immediately tripped if you tell me your current/past girlfriend/wife does not understand you. In an effort to expedite this process let’s say I believe you, but please know that I’m quite certain I don’t understand you either. That does not diminish the reality however that you are the best I’ve ever had and I’ve never seen anything like that before.

3. Although I usually appreciate more than 35 seconds of foreplay, that rule doesn’t apply to you as simply looking at you is all the foreplay I need. Sweet Jesus!

4. You look exactly like a cross between Orlando Bloom and Leonardo Decaprio.

5. I do not love you, but I do love football.

6. Please call me four minutes after I leave here. If someone answers and says you have the wrong number it’s just my crazy room mate. Just keep calling until you wear her down.


______________________________
Woman signature and date

______________________________
Male signature and date

______________________________
Notary or bartender stamp





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11 comments:

Donna said...

Funny, Sher.

I wish I'd had these rules when I was single and under 30 instead of having to learn them the hard way :)

Jami said...

NOW you tell me what the problem was: I forgot "Sweet Jesus!"

suburbancorrespondent said...

Oh, boy, now you're making me glad I'm married.

TSG said...

Did you just come up with this list, or had you previously given a copy to a chick from Arkansas nicknamed Pocahontas (she was half Cherokee) that you met at the Monster Truck Races at the Kansas State Fair, around 2001.

I think I already signed at least one of these.

Sher said...

Donna,

There is something to be said for women over 30 who have learned these the hard way, huh?

Jami,

Exactly. There are other substitutes for that phrase, but my daughter reads my blog and she doesn't know I'm not a virgin.

Suburban,

Then my work is done here because I've never made anyone glad they're married and that includes my husband.

TSG,

You get around, don't you?

delmer said...

Something about #1 reminded me of a conversation I had with a woman a while back.

She made a comment about being her fat parts (which seemed to be imagined) and I said, "Stop that."

She said, "You always say 'stop that,' but you never follow up by telling me how pretty I am."

I told her that I, of course, thought she was pretty but wouldn't she think I was being a bit insincere if I said it after she said something unkind about herself.

She said that was understood, but she'd still like to hear it.

You gals are pretty complex.

Sher said...

Delmer,

There is no mystery to a woman. Here it is in a nutshell:

1. We like to be told we're pretty, even if we tell you we don't believe you.

2. We like to hear "I love you" if you do.

3. We like the small surprises best (you did the dishes w/o being asked, our car is cleaned out when we get in, our favorite perfume magically appears, etc.)

Very simple, very easy!

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Sometimes I think it is God's sick joke that men and women are supposed to be paired together. (OK, I know that many aspects of this statement are debatable - God and heterosexuality - but you know what I mean). SE\eriously, we are so freakin' different, sometimes it seems just a ridiculous thing to ask that we have to, to quote Tim Gunn, "Make it Work."

Sher said...

Trooper,

You just hit on something so important, I cannot ignore it.

Tim Gunn is a genius. Sure he is so far on the gay spectrum that he is almost straight, but I would take any advice he gave me....whether about my clothes or my husbands.

I LOVE Tim Gunn!!!!

Dating Trooper - Dating is Warfare said...

Yes, yes and yes. He should run for President. But he also proves my earlier point since he's gay. yet another of God's sick jokes. No fair :-)

Jaesoreal said...

Wow! Amazing!