I overheard something the other day that let me know there are still a lot of women floating around out there who do not understand the “Sex Rules”. Granted the large majority of them are under thirty, but it remains a problem among some older women as well.
To simplify this for you, following is a contract containing the Sex Rules that I suggest you print and carry in your purse next to your single girl condoms. When presented with an opportunity to do the do, protect yourself and your partner by getting both his signature and yours before you even consider getting into his 1983 van.
As a savvy and intelligent woman, I understand and acknowledge the following to be true:
1. No matter how sincere your eyes are or how often you repeat it, I understand that I do not look just like Jessica Biel.
2. I realize that in order for you to do your best work, you must believe that you are the best I’ve ever had and in fact so good that I’ll never be able to look at any other man the same way. Not a problem.
3. If at any time you cry or even look like you’re going to, I recognize that it does not mean you have had an emotional break through because of your deep and story book feelings for me. I’m guessing it has something to do with your Mom catching you with a copy of Playboy when you were 14 or the time that one night stand you picked up at Buddy’s Bar pointed, laughed and left.
4. If you want to see me again, please ask me three days from now as I realize you are about to speak a language even you don’t understand and over which you have no reasonable control. Anything you say during our brief and intimate time together will not be held against you or mentioned again. Toward that end, I further understand any marriage proposal that comes out of your mouth, no matter how vehemently you swear you really do mean it, does not mean I can immediately call my sisters and plan a trip to the Tulle & Bead Warehouse.
5. I have been fully educated on “Male Short Term Memory Loss” and its causes and effects. Therefore when you don’t call, I get that it’s because you can’t remember my number or in the most severe cases of MSTML, my name.
As a horny and or drunk male whose brain is currently swimming in testosterone, you understand and acknowledge the following to be true:
1. During the next five to seven minutes, I may make any combination of the following absolutely true statements:
a. You are the best I’ve ever had.
b. I’ve never seen anything like that before.
c. Sweet Jesus!
2. I realize you have been taught that my on button will be immediately tripped if you tell me your current/past girlfriend/wife does not understand you. In an effort to expedite this process let’s say I believe you, but please know that I’m quite certain I don’t understand you either. That does not diminish the reality however that you are the best I’ve ever had and I’ve never seen anything like that before.
3. Although I usually appreciate more than 35 seconds of foreplay, that rule doesn’t apply to you as simply looking at you is all the foreplay I need. Sweet Jesus!
4. You look exactly like a cross between Orlando Bloom and Leonardo Decaprio.
5. I do not love you, but I do love football.
6. Please call me four minutes after I leave here. If someone answers and says you have the wrong number it’s just my crazy room mate. Just keep calling until you wear her down.
Woman signature and date
Male signature and date
Notary or bartender stamp
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