Monday, December 31, 2007

Monkeys and gum. What more could I ask for in '08?

I never, ever, ever…no matter what…go out on New Year’s Eve. Even if I really want to. Which I never do. OCD keeps me at home where I belong.

I also never drink on New Year’s, although I hear that’s a pretty popular way to wait for the big moment. I don’t wear funny hats, I don’t throw confetti at midnight and I don’t kiss any strangers when the ball falls. (Actually I thoroughly like the sound of that and think we should adopt the tradition for every other American holiday to include National Corn Appreciation Day.)

The OCD Chick celebrates the death of one year and the birth of another by taking time to reflect. Reevaluate. Recalculate. Rewind. Rerun. Remember. And lots of other words that start with re.

Resolutions. There’s another word that starts with re. I list them each year and each year I set the bar even lower so that I might actually maintain my resolute-ed-ness. I feel different this year though. More hopeful somehow. I think it’s all the vitamins I’m taking.

This year rather than resolutions I think I’ll go ahead and just make a list of actual predictions for myself. A list, if you will, of the amazing accomplishments I will most certainly accomplish in 2008…or as I like to call it: the year of The Sher.

Here now are the seven (best number ever) things I’m positively, absolutely sure will happen in the year 2008 for me. Just me. I have no idea what’s going to happen to you.

1. I will become insanely rich. People say money isn’t everything, but once I’m indescribably wealthy, I will have all those people shot. With golden, diamond encrusted bullets.

2. I will at long last own a monkey. A real monkey. He will have beautiful dark eyes and thick dark hair and I will dress him in tiny pants and a cowboy shirt with fringe and teach him to inappropriately hug everyone who comes to my house. He’ll be like a hairy, mentally retarded, little person and I will love him deeply.

3. I will buy a gorgeous cabana boy named Tad. He will have beautiful dark eyes and thick dark hair and I will dress him in tiny pants and a cowboy shirt with fringe and teach him to inappropriately hug everyone who comes to my house. But mostly me. Always me.

4. I will hire a gorgeous full time chef with dark hair and dark eyes but not a girl chef because I don’t want Tad getting any ideas. Truthfully hiring a chef really should be at the top of my list as I am a terrible cook and my family is starving. My ex-wife-in-law is a phenomenal cook. She often says smart cook things like, “this soup needs a roux”. What an adorable cartoon marsupial known to frolic in the Hundred Acre Wood can possibly add to soup, I have no idea. Then again, we’ve established I’m a terrible cook.

5. Now that I’m thinking about it, I predict I’ll tell my ex-wife-in-law that I’m taking a group photo with a bunch of people who think money isn’t everything and that I really want her to be in it. Anybody that would boil a friend of Winnie the Pooh is not right. Not right at all.

6. I’ll have all the gum I ever dreamed of. Lots and lots of gum.

7. The biggest thing that will happen to me in 2008 though is even more exciting than all the money, monkeys and gum combined. I will be on Oprah!!! I’d like to tell you I’ll be interviewed by The Oprah so that we might discuss at length my incredible writing talent, but I’m guessing it’ll probably have more to do with all those people I had killed.

Happy New Year!

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suburbancorrespondent said...

Still scaring me. Happy New Year, you crazy person, you!

Sher said...

Back atcha!

Flutterby said...

I have one.. re-volting. As in "re-solutions are re-volting. I don't make them, lol. I twittered once last night, long before midnight here. And then I went to bed. I was zonked before 10:30 and no one in this neighborhood would dare come out and make any racket at midnight. (The rest of us would come out and murder them in the middle of the street and no one would have seen a thing.)
My cabana boy is named Jorge. Trust me. You need one old enough to make good margaritas. But he can still hug people. The older he is, the more inappropriate it can be.

Sher said...


I don't have a Jorge, but I do have a guy friend I call Javier. He's pretty, pretty. Maybe if I pay him enough he'll come to work with Tad.

Jaesoreal said...

Re-gurgitate! That doesn't really fit but I like saying it! Have a wonderful 2008!

Sher said...

It's a super fantastic word. I don't blame you!

Jami said...

We normally don't leave the house and do the New Years Eve thing either although we made an exception this year because we had run away from home and had to do something different. So we did.

Also, it has been my experience that anyone who has had a ball fall is not in any mood to celebrate the fact.

Sher said...



FerdC said...

I actually do own a monkey, and he actually does have dark hair. But only one eye. I have a love/hate relationship with him though. Lately he's been bad. I think I'll go spank him.