Friday, April 16, 2010

1980s Prom = Virginity Lost

 Yes. I lost my virginity on prom night. Can you say CLASSY? See that fantabulous white dress there in my wedding picture? (That would be wedding #1 for those of you keeping score at home.) That was actually my prom dress.

Yes. I got married "on the fly" so soon after high school graduation, I just threw on my prom dress and said, "Let's do this thing."

I've had that attitude about marriage ever since.  I've done it so many times by now, I barely run a brush through my hair before a wedding.

Here's how it went down:

The Boy: We'll call him Dweeb in order to protect his identity. He told me he loved me, he wanted to marry me and that we would live happily ever after. He drove a Chevette. It was ugly.

The Girl: Me. Der. As the oldest of 3 girls and the only one who still didn't know the joy of the intercourse, (Yep. That's right.) I was feeling the pressure. I also wanted to get married more than anything else. Didn't particularly matter to me to whom.

So weeks prior to prom, Mr. Dweeb had been laying it on pretty thick. "I want to marry you," became his mating call. It was very much like a duck call, except irresistible to virginal Southern girls. Once before he had taken me to his house while his parents were gone. He tried like no other to love on me right then and there. I said this to him....

"OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then I followed up with, "OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I decided I was content to live my life in complete celibacy as I could not for the love of Mike or money figure out why ANYONE would EVER want to have sex. I figured I'd wait until I was married and then, when we'd decided to have a child, I'd take a handful of pain pills, close my eyes really tight and let him get it over with.

But kids, prom is a magical time, fraught with pomp & circumstance and hormones. I got to stay out way past curfew and we were left unsupervised for a long period of time in the middle of the night. I was all decked out in that white dress and Dweeb in his tux joked with me that we should run away to South Carolina and get married.

Let's do the math, shall we?

Prom night + white, virginal dress + boyfriend saying he wants to marry you + lax curfew = OK, OK. LET'S JUST DO IT ALREADY!

After we had midnight "breakfast" at my friend Kaye's house, we left for him to take me home. On the way however, we made a pitstop at some land his family owned. We drove in weeds about as high as the door handle on the Chevette and he commenced to telling me how much he loved me.

Within minutes, he was crawling over the stick shift and the moment I'd been so afraid of was about to happen right there in that putrid green Chevy. I closed my eyes and hung on to the door handle, bracing for the worst.

It was over in 4.7 seconds and he headed back to the driver's side of his luxury ride, his smile indicating he was quite happy with his performance. I sat there staring straight ahead, burst into tears and said these sweet words to the boy I loved...


Now you know why someone else is in that wedding picture.


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1 comment:

Tidewaterbound said...

LOL--at least you were in a Chevette and not the AMC PACER...

Prom? You managed PROM night first--don't even ask. I had the engagement ring at 16 way b4 prom. When to his prom, my prom, then I promptly dumped him upon graduation. Bless his little heart, he has ZIPPO idea how LUCKY he was to escape. I rode him like a bad mule, and he took every bit of punishment I ever gave him, and was grateful. He was a sweet boy, I couldn't respect him, much less marry him. And I was the one who pushed the sex issue, having the pill and all that to find out... um, well, that's NOT doin' it right.

Dumb girl me, he was a virgin too! What did I expect?

So, you've got a few notches up on me girl. I just didn't marry that one. Married the second one though. I did actually listen to my mom, sage that she was...NEVER buy a pig in a poke.