Monday, April 05, 2010

My body is a wonderland - well my brain is anyway.

 If you're looking for tickets to ride the crazy train, I've got 'em right here. I am so far beyond crazy today that I've circled back around to just this side of normal. Essentially, I am in the same red zone as Courtney Love and Glenn Beck.

What I've been doing, before I decided I'd better sit down and pour the nut juice (that sounded dirty) into words on my computer screen, is cleaning. That may not sound crazy to you, probably because you're NOT crazy. When the OCD Chick is cleaning though, especially when I am in straight up whackadoo mode is really not cleaning at all. It's more like bothering.

I take the Clorox Wipes and I bother things. I bother the light switches roughly 87,000 times because light switches are where little black devils of germy evilness like to lurk.

I bother the door handles somewhere around 107,000 times because I am positive everything from fecal matter to sperm to tiny bits of Ann Coulter DNA cover them. You know why, right? Because people do not wash their hands properly, that's why. They do things nobody talks about and then they touch the door handles. I'm convinced that in my domicile, my family is doing these things nobody wants to talk about and then walking through the house randomly touching doorknobs and laughing maniacally.

It's how they pay me back for burning everything I ever try to cook. 

Although by now I've made my hands sting from the Clorox, I feel sure I am still sitting in a virtual boiling pot of grossness, and since I can't get the Clorox to take me to the clean feeling I need, I start taking out my frustration in other ways.

Only moments ago, I told Buddy the Yorkie that his real mother didn't want him so she gave him up for adoption. He had no idea. Still not feeling any relief from my obsessive-compulsive wonderland of stress I turned my venomous tongue on Tanner the Yorkie. 

"Remember that one time when I took you to the Vet and you came home without your balls? Well, I lied. I really DID pay him to do that to you."

I can't get settled today and as a result, I'm on a rampage of crazy. If Mr. Man and Dog return to this house today and find me in any state other than catatonic, they should be pleased. In other news, if Mr. Man and Dog return to this house today and do not immediately head to the bathroom to wash Ann Coulter off their hands, I'm gonna boil them.

In Clorox. While I force them to watch Glenn Beck AND listen to Courtney Love. 77777777 times no less.

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Vennie said...

girl, you know our men live to make us think we're going crazy, right? and by men, i mean all associated, husband, son, friend of son, anything with a dangling dick. yeah - ::shake:: - monsters.

Tidewaterbound said...

I loved it when you told your dog..."Yes I DID pay the Vet to do that to you." I can't help it, I'm evil -- love ya Honey!

Julianna said...

Thank you for your recent post about how difficult it is to clean with OCD. More than 2 million adult Americans suffer from OCD. In an effort to better understand this common disorder, Columbia University/New York State Psychiatric Institute is conducting a study to examine possible genetic contributions to OCD. The study is sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health.

We are looking for individuals with OCD who would be interested in participating. Participation involves a 2-3 hour interview and a blood/saliva sample for DNA. We also ask that family members (parents or siblings) provide a blood/saliva sample for DNA. Individuals with OCD are compensated $75 for their interview and DNA sample, and family members receive $35 for their DNA sample. Study procedures can take place in the home or at our medical center.

If you would like to help us gain a deeper understanding of OCD, you may contact Columbia University research staff at 212-543-5364 or e-mail Confidentiality is assured.