Thursday, May 13, 2010

Smoker's Savior - Why Are You So Cool?

My son turns 16 in a few days. He's a great kid.. He doesn't do anything wrong really, except maybe once in awhile say "hell." I've tried to explain to him that my Southern Baptist roots dictate if you say the name of the place, you have to spend eternity there. He continues to spit in the face of that logic.

My only concern with Dog (his nickname) is that he is not cool enough. I went to high school in the 80s. I know what it takes to be cool. Unfortunately I can't get him to commit to drinking Boone's Farm and Cold Duck and then to subsequently puke all over a gun named Butch. I keep telling him he's never going to get the cool girls if he doesn't do the cool work.

Der.

But then I saw a series of 100,814 commercials about Smoker's Savior on the TV, and hope sprang forth from deep inside me - very near my uterus from whence he came.

"Dog!" I pleaded. "Please, for the love of Butch, please let me buy you some of those Smoker's Saviors computer cigarettes. Their website says you can smoke them ANYWHERE! It says you should feel free to smoke at your desk, in a restaurant, even on an airplane - anywhere! Have you ANY IDEA how cool it would make you to be the only kid lighting up during Honors English?"

 "I don't smoke, Mom."

"That's the beauty of it. We can get you started for only $99. Chicks dig smokers. Chicks dig boys who smoke ANYWHERE even more."

"I don't smoke, Mom."

"Son! They even come in mint flavor! WHAT is WRONG with you? If I act right now, I can get a durable travel pack for NO EXTRA DOLLARS! No extra dollars, Dog! That's like totally free."

Obviously getting nowhere, I made him watch the commercial with me.  I wanted him to see first hand how outrageously cool these Smokers Savior people are. I mean, come the hell on. You know they're not actors. Actors would have brushed their hair, or put on a clean hat, or not looked like a douche blowing smoke circles. These are REAL people! Real, cool people!


I'm sad to report that even after watching, he won't budge. He refuses to start smoking these uber cool computer battery operated cigarettes. If I'd only had the dedication to smoke & drink while I was pregnant with him, maybe I wouldn't be paying the price now. Dammit.



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4 comments:

Jami said...

You blew it. You should have told him that because it was a computer cigarette, he could also plug it into an iPod or XBox 360. THEN he would have started!

Sher said...

Jami when you're right, you're right. #MomFail

Jane said...

Forget Dog. Kids are hopeless. I want a dozen of them, in a variety of flavors, just so I can piss people off when I pull one out at a restaurant. By the time they get that it's not real, I'll have already pushed their buttons. They'll laugh uncomfortably, but still glare. I'll sit back and smoke like Garbo.
Thanks, Sher.

Sher said...

Jane - At first I thought you were talking about having kids in a dozen different flavors. This is why the blog is called, "Wiping the Crazy off My Face."

Let's go halfsies on a pack. It'll be fun for the whole family.