www.ErmaDoesNotLiveHere.com - She don't, but Sher do.
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As you know, I asked some of my boy toys to answer a few innocent questions for me so that I might do important work by studying their answers. I've always seen myself as somewhat of a social scientist. Of course I've also always seen myself as twenty-one and gorgeous.
Thus the saying, "sometimes you can't believe your own eyes."
So as I was kicked back in the recliner enjoying a fabulous dinner of Viactiv and Diet Dr. Pepper, I began reading through the answers that have been returned to me.
Holy testosterone y'all. I'm so in love with this, I can't even tell you.
Although all the data is not in yet because some of them are oddly fearful of what I am going to do with their info (and their manlies), I have to tell you that some of the stuff I'm reading has made me laugh so hysterically, the Yorkies went and stood by the back door so they could go outside where women don't laugh like longshoremen.
I don't even know what that means but in my head, longshoremen laugh very loudly. I suspect it has something to do with their proximity to the shore. And that they're long and all.
I'm reaching now.
Some of it is funny intentionally. Some of it is funny because it is so beyond insane to me how men think. But some of it is even funnier still because the writer has no idea how hysterical it is.
My favorite quote so far? "I showered for two hours just to get the scare off me".
I love men. When I'm rich I'm gonna own tons of them.
I've been in a demented cry baby/serial killer mood lately. One minute I feel as if I could blow snot bubbles and the next I'm whispering thinly veiled threats in my dog's ear if he doesn't agree to stop chewing with his mouth open.
I've decided that if I am to ever crawl off this pitty pot I have settled upon, I must force myself to think/say/write only happy things so that I might put out good vibes into the universe and get only happy things back.
You know. Stuff like butterflies and fairies and fresh babies and all that crap.
(Fresh babies are highly superior to stale ones. Nothing worse than a stale baby.)
Toward that end, here are the top five things that have actually made me happy today, so listen up universe and prepare to start sending me the good stuff you keep in the back.
1. The Big Dog had a great birthday and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. He went to his Dad's a little bit ago for even more birthday hullabaloo which means I get to lie in bed at 7PM and write. I like lying in bed at 7PM.
2. Saying hullabaloo feels pretty fantabulous. It sounds like something Sammy Davis Jr. was trying to prevent when he and Peter Lawford were burying a prostitute The Chairman accidentally offed after a night of good natured drunken rabble-rousing.
3. Pictures of monkeys doing things that no one has ever seen them do in the wild fills me with joy. Let's face it. Monkeys who dwell in the jungle almost never wear pants and juggle.
(Photo courtesy of my stalker, Toad Suck Guy.)
4. Things that are shiny make me crazy happy. I can sit and stare at Mr. Man's head for hours.
5. Knowing a birthday cake is chillin' in my refrigerator truly causes delight to bust out all over my face. I hate cake, but God only invented the actual cakey part so chicks like me wouldn't have to feel bad about themselves for having to eat frosting right out of the can. Under the kitchen table. While softly sobbing.
Here's something else that puts fairy wings in my tummy. Drunk Stewie is the best.
