I don't sleep. I am not one of those people who drifts off peacefully to sleep and then stays that way for 7 or more hours. I've always been that way but lately it's gotten even worse.
I know what you're thinking.
"Where did I leave my keys?"
(They're on the kitchen table, under yesterday's mail.)
I've had tests, I've Googled "baby can't sleep", and I've read all the best sellers about not sleeping. REM for Dummies and Be Quiet & Go to Sleep Before I Come in There were my faves.
But last night, as I was counting sheep and my blessings and the number of times I've been married, the reason I can't sleep finally dawned on me.
I'M A VAMPIRE.
I know what you're thinking.
"Why are my cough drops always covered with lint?"
(Because Hall's and Big Lint are in bed together.)
I got out of bed and ran to the mirror to check 'cause everyone knows vampires have no reflection so they can't see their own faces.
Crap. There I was looking back at me all tired and what not with my hair sticking up in such a manner that I wondered when the cat had groomed me. And then I remembered we don't have a cat and thought maybe it was a cat burglar instead.
He could have crept in with his black leggings and jaunty black burglar cap, stole all my jewels and Matrix DVD's and before he left, licked my head. Happens all the time.
But then I started doubting myself as to whether it's their reflection vampires can't see. What if it's their shadows? That sounds right.
It sounds right at 2 in the morning anyway.
So I looked around for my shadow and guess what? Not there. Totally no shadow.
I know what you're thinking.
"Having seen in the news that monkeys sometimes eat people's faces off, should I still get one for my kids to play with?"
(Yes. Don't hate the monkey. Your kids are nothing to write home about.)
I started to wonder what else about me was vampiric.
Well, I like long nails.
Sadly they aren't long right now because of a nail biting frenzy about a week ago during an especially hairy episode of Two & a Half Men, but usually they are.
Plus I deeply enjoy biting.
Mr. Man has the bruises to show it. I will often inexplicably bite him when he least expects it. Until last night I figured it was simply a case of not being disciplined correctly as a toddler. Now I know the truth.
Once I confirmed that I am in fact a vampire I began to wonder when it happened. I would think being bitten by a crazy sexy man in the middle of the night when I was wearing a long flowing white gown and had my windows open would be memorable.
I was sure it couldn't have been recently as my favorite sleeping attire of late is boxers and a T-shirt that says my monkey made me do it. Vampires do not bite chicks dressed like that.
Especially when a cat burglar just licked their head.
So what the hell? Could I have gotten a vampire bug in a public restroom?
Hell to the no. The OCD Chick carries an assorted multitude of germ killing things with her at all times and since Germ-X kills everything, it's reasonable to assume that includes vampire cooties.
And then it dawned on me. It was the wedding!
A few years ago I was mesmerized by a vampire I met at a goth wedding at which I was officiating. Although I don't remember the actual biting, I do remember stalking him out to his 1981 Toyota Corolla. That's probably where it happened as the next thing I recall is wondering where the letter D on my ass came from.
I know what you're thinking.
"How is that Octomom ever going find a man now?"
(Are you kidding? With the giant chunk of child support change she's going to undoubtedly get from Sperm Donor, they'll be lining up like she's freaking Angelina Jolie. Which she sorta is.)
I'm not sure what to do next with my bad vampire self. I guess I should probably think of a new name because everyone knows there are no vampires named Sherri Lynn. Or Margaret. Or Roberta.
I should also get out and start meeting some of my own kind at a mixer or something. I know exactly what I'm looking for in an eternal vampire partner slash friend slash cabana boy slash luvuh.
I also know what's probably looking for me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This is the vampire's favorite song. It has to be because it's the single best song in the entire universe. It is. I swear. Agree with me or I'll bite you. I mean it.
Copyright © Sherri Bailey
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