Dear Sher....a note from my stalker

If you're a new reader, you may want to meet TSG - the official WTCOMF stalker so you're up to speed. He's been around the blog a long time.

Dear Sher,

I've been reminiscing over some of your old posts, and our many virtual adventures. Things have sure changed over the last three or four years. You accurately predicted the end of my carefree bachelor days (at the tender age of 45) early on, when I first met Jane and you nicknamed her PJ. Why you chose "Poor Jane" when she is SO fortunate to have me, I still haven't figured out. And she likes sleeveless shirts!

I was reading some of your advice regarding "Spaz" and her visit. Good stuff. The episode with "Chaw", as Jami named him, was pretty good too. Just not having as much fun now. And I expected that when the OM retired. Just not much funny stuff to write about anymore. Sad and, as I mentioned, the old Rollahome is gone. I burnt it in three piles, and PJ shoved the remains into a hole I had dug. She seemed to enjoy that a lot.



Gone are my dreams of you and I residing happily in the "Old Rollahome" in wedded hillbilly bliss, eating Liver Mush, for at least 3 or 4 months, until the divorce, or you killed me. I figure I'd never make it past hunting season, bringing in those critters for you to cut-up. Perhaps when I ascend the to the top of the PHL, I can find another 1968 mobile home of the same quality, only with running water. I've gotten used to that now and kinda like it.

It will soon be time for Fudd to start doing float trips, and get this, PJ is going to be working running the commissary boat, helping set up camp and cooking while I am working! I've created a monster. She loves the outdoors. We won't have to worry about that will we. Fudd Dosen't even seem to mind that PJ is going to help when I can't. Should I be concerned here?

I miss the old days. No cares, and responsibilities. No Sisters around 24-7 (that's another story) but not a funny one.

Got any advice?

Your devoted stalker,
TSG

Dear TSG,

You know when I think about it, I realize you and I have been together as stalker and stalkee longer than I have had most of my husbands. Which leads me to ask, where are my monthly checks? And why don't I have half your stuff?

Now that we have the legalities out of the way, I have to tell you that I understand why you feel there is nothing funny to write about any more. Marriage is often like having a fork thrust repeatedly in your eye while being asked to talk about your feelings. Personally I'd take the forking over the feelings any day.

The key to finding the funny amid the wedded bliss is to create your own funny situations. I'll give you a couple examples. Sometimes when Mr. Man is asleep, I get a giggle out of shaving off his eyebrows and drawing new ones on with a black Sharpie. Another fun thing I do to bring the laughter back into my life is to crawl up under his car and cut the brake lines.

The last time I did that, we laughed and laughed in the emergency room. Well, I laughed and laughed but with all the tubes they had up his nose and down his throat, he couldn't really laugh out loud. He was laughing with his eyes though.

So you see what I'm saying here, TSG? You have to make your own fun in marriage. Either that or pay Fudd in beer and chew to take PJ off your hands. They can float away to happiness and you can spend much more time doing what's truly important in life - stalking me.

Yours until they throw you back in prison,
Sher



Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Psycho Vampire Toad Sucking Stalker. Good times - good times.

Dear Sher,

In order to entice you to attend this years Toad Suck Daze Festival ( this is the third or fourth year I've invited you). I've been considering ordering this outfit to wear to the fest. It is called the "Psycho Vampire Stalker" outfit. I should think the words psycho or vampire would be enough to bring you out, but the promise of both together might be impossible for you to resist. I'm not sure how I will explain it, and the PHL, to PJ but you'll help me think of something, right? How about I throw in your very own Monkey? You've had some pretty-good excuses, but I'm beginning to suspect that you really might not want to attend.

TSG....Your favorite stalker

Dear Toad Suck Guy aka TSG aka Stalker,

I have to admit that in all the years you've been asking me to come to Toad Suck Daze, this is the first year I am truly compelled to want to do so. The notion that a psycho vampire stalker awaits me on arrival is hard to resist indeed.

And a monkey to boot? I'm all a twitter. (Speaking of twitter, make sure you follow me.)

Whether or not I show up, you'll have to wait and see. I suggest you wait for me by the toad shaped cotton candy between the hours of 5AM and midnight. However, the idea that you would take your stalking to a new level and dress as a psycho vampire in an attempt to woo me has convinced me to bump you up the PHL (potential husband list) to number three. Congratulations.

Sher



Copyright © Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Toad Suck Guy- the official WTCOMF Stalker

Sher,

First let me apologize for my lack of attention, as we both know the world... no make that the entire universe, revolves around you, and your happiness. So what have you been up to. I certainly hope you have been engaged in some sort of nefarious activity.

I missed seeing you at the Toad Suck Daze Festival. Oh, you should have seen me winning the bobbing for pig's feet contest! The trophy is about three feet tall, a bronze plated pig's foot. It's kinda starting to smell a little though. PJ is working as a consultant at her old job one day a week, and is spending the rest of her time working and learning the lumber business. The little dude isn't as much of a weenie as I first suspected. The old Rollahome is gone PJ shoved it over the bank with the 906 loader, I just couldn't do it myself. BTW how do you feel about a log house?

When we are married you will still get a new FWD Ford truck. Recently PJ hit a deer, and since the truck has been repaired it wouldn't be good enough. Nothing but the best for you, of course.

Now, the question of my status on the Potential Husband List. In spite of my neglect, I hope I am still in the top ten. I think at one time I was as high as number six. I have replace the missing TSG blog, but there are no posts just a couple photos. Sigh......it's just not the same without you!

Missing you,

TSG (Toad Suck Guy)

Dearest TSG aka Official Stalker of WTCOMF,

When I saw your email my first instinct was to banish you to spam. After all, you have certainly neglected your stalking duties since you went and got yourself married to Poor Jane.

But then you used the word "nefarious" and everything was OK again. (I really need to work on holding a grudge.)

I had every intention of attending the annual Toad Suck Daze festival. It was circled on my calendar and everything. Just as I was about to get on the fast train to the land where toads suck but people don't, I remembered I hate nature only slightly less than I hate toads. Trip canceled.

I'm happy to hear married life is going well for you. As you well know, I am a strong proponent of marriage as I try to do it myself as often as I can. I will say however that I'm slightly worried about your safety, what with your current wife pushing homes off cliffs and murdering deer with her Ford for no good reason. Perhaps some Metamucil sprinkled on her morning oats would be in order.

As for me, I can't say I'm great - but I'm certainly OK enough not to slit my wrists in the bathtub. I have a new job that pays well, but requires me to spend a lot of my time driving. No - I'm not a trucker, although I do enjoy dressing like one in the privacy of my own home.

The book I was/am writing sucks pigs feet and so has left me terribly discouraged. Every time I try to write it comes out the same... "it was a dark and stormy night". It's a bitter pill when you realize even Snoopy was a more prolific writer than you are.

On top of that, unlike everyone else around me, I am getting older every second. I fear at any moment I will be overcome with the desire to wear a sweatshirt with kitty cats on it and purchase beige shoes with Velcro closures. My baby girl got married in September which cast me in the role of MOB. I still cry every 2.4 days at the thought of her in that dress. (Video she made for me below.)

On the up side, Sarah Palin is not going to be our VP so I can relax a little. I could not walk ten feet anywhere without at least a couple people telling me I looked like her. On Halloween a bar full of drunken Jokers, pimps and slutty nurses complemented me all night on my Sarah costume - which consisted of no costume at all.


It was lovely to hear from you. And yes, Toad Suck Guy, you are still on the Potential Husband List - just below a reader who may have legally changed his name to Mr. Piddles and David the owner of an unruly giraffe named Tim. Because of your use of the word nefarious, however, and your proclamation and acknowledgment that all things revolve around me, you are hereby bumped to Number Four.

Signed,
The tired, old and unable to write anything above her name, OCD Chick






Copyright © 2004-2008, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Blogroll Me!

Do you really think you can effectively stalk two women?

Dear Sher,

Good news, I have a girlfriend. Now a new problem has come up.

It all started when my friend (Fudd), a professional river guide, asked me to run his commissary boat for a three-day river float trip for four city dudes. The commissary boat carries the tents, sleeping bags, cooking equipment and personals so the dudes won't loose all their possessions while they are upside down in the river. The boat operator sets up camp and cooks too. Well, had I known these were city dudettes. I would have refused. Anyway, turns out one of these girls likes me! Who knows why, I was sorta grouchy with them. I think it might be my fish-cleaning skill she admires. She has been back to visit several times since the trip. She is coming for a week starting in June. I think she may be serious because on her most recent visit I took her to UFS and she bought a sleeveless flannel shirt. Great, right? Well..........

If she were a different religion, or another race, no problem, or a different generation, people now accept that.

The problem is; I am clearly dating outside my looks. This girl is several degrees up the hotness scale, and definitely out of my cute-gory. I myself have no problem with interfacial relationships, however, lately the remarks run to things like "is that your girlfriend?" "Man she's hot" No one has said anything directly, but they might as well just come out and say; what is a chick like that doing with a redneck like you. Come to think of it my Father did say that. All I could come up with in the way of a response was "look at Larry King's gorgeous wife". That old coot can't even stand up straight. Pretty lame response, but it was the best I could muster.

Obviously marriage is out of the question, I can't imagine what hotness-equality laws would be transgressed should that occur. Rehab is a possibility I suppose.

I am in desperate need of your advice. It is starting to affect my work. Just Monday, I accidentally ( I think) dropped a 2 foot diameter oak tree six feet behind the skidder that Eight-Ball was sitting on, shortly after he said something like "how did YOU ever score such a hottie". I know if I smash the skidder they'll fire me for sure, and the boss is a relative.

I thought this would be a great relationship, but the discrimination down to the Toad Suck Pool Hall is causing me stress and pain. Who knows what her girlfriends think, or say.

Help,
TSG


Dear TSG aka My Official Stalker,
You were wise to contact me for relationship advice. As I marry frequently for fun and profit I consider myself a total expert when it comes to men and women. I offer my divorce scrapbook as evidence.

First of all, how very Toad Suck Guy of you to meet a chick somewhere near a river. The obvious question is, are you sure she is not a he? I have a hard time believing four actual women with actual breasts would float down a river willingly. Was some shifty guy that looked like Kevin Bacon standing behind her looking all menacing?

Just because she had a chick voice and had fancy nails doesn't mean she wasn't really a confused police officer who likes big man hands and women with very short hair and very deep voices. (Sorry. I was drawing on one of my many personal experiences there with little regard for my reader. That's so me.)

Assuming you are right and she is in fact a girl, I'm a little worried about the kind of she that she is. Sure, men say they want a woman who can do all the things they like to do, like going out into nature for no good reason, but they really don't.

Think about it, TSG. If she is a fishing, camping, floating woman, how in the world are you ever going to get away from her by telling her you're going on a fishing trip with Cooter for the weekend?

Regarding her level of hotness in relation to where you think you rank, this is not a problem for two reasons.

Number 1: 99% of women prefer humor and intelligence over hotness when it comes to their mens. If you are homely, I recommend shoving things up your nose during dinner and saying words like "smattering" and "perpetuity" as often as you can. We only notice your pot belly and how bald you're getting when you're mean to us. Always be nice to us and you'll look good forever. We're crazy like that.

Number 2: Don't be stupid, stupid. We are only hot when we are in heat. The very minute we are positive we own your soul, the make up comes off and we walk around in your boxers with Vaseline all over our face. We're never as hot as you think we are... we're just good with Spackle and hair spray and we fully appreciate the value of standing next to truly unattractive women as often as we can. It's all about compare and contrast, Baby.

You can do this, TSG. I have faith in your ability to lie your way into a healthy relationship with this woman. Just remember these three phrases and you'll be all good.

"Of course I remember what you were wearing the first time I saw you."

"What woman? I was staring at that guy's shoes."

And the most important phrase in every relationship arsenal, "It wasn't me, Honey. You have video? Still wasn't me. Witnesses prepared to testify under oath? All I'm saying is it wasn't me."

Good luck, Bubba.
PS: Think I'm kidding about chicks being closet ugly? This is me without Maybelline.