I've done everything I can to go to sleep and stay that way short of hitting myself over the head with a chair. I called Mr. Man, who told me to read my new book, "Medical Cures They Don't Want You To Know About" until I get sleepy. That would be a good plan if I were anyone else. But, telling Sher to read a book that is filled with page after page of how the FDA is secretly trying to kill me is probably not some of his best advice.
I even called my best friend...who happens to work nights and is paid to have insomnia... to ask her to sing me to sleep. She had the nerve not to be there.
How selfish. When I need someone, I expect them to be waiting by the phone in anticipation of whatever need I may have, raring and ready to meet said need. With glee even.
Tomorrow, I am so breaking up with her. Being my best friend carries with it a certain amount of responsibility and if she is unable to fulfill her duties, I'll have to appoint the first runner up to take over.
She will also have to give back the crown.
Even though I can't sleep, I have to say that sometimes I welcome it. I've decided that my brain on little or no sleep is a veritable factory for exciting and previously un-thought-of thoughts and grand ideas. I imagine that Van Gogh and Einstein and Elton John were insomniacs and much like myself, they were geniuses.
Or is it genius-i?
Before I forget all this brilliance, I should write it down so that it is preserved for posterity. Is posterity even a word, or did I just make that up?
See? I am brilliant when I don't sleep. I even invent new words for humans to use in their every day conversations. When is the last time you invented a whole new word?
To prove my REM inhibited intelligence, I will create more words right here, right now, on the spot. Let's see Elton John do that.
If you liked posterity, you'll love "replicate". It's from the Latin "replicatus" which means "to plicate again".
"Dang it Spot! How could you replicate all over the kitchen floor when you just went five minutes ago?"
And what do you think of this one: "inebriate"? That is a good one. All the cool kids will be using it. It is a combination of both Cajun and Aramaic and it means literally "the act of taking off one's shoes without untying them".
"As an executive in a Fortune 500 company, my time is far too valuable to waste it tying shoes. That's why I inebriate them instead."
What about "homonym"? Now that is a good looking word.
Homonym is a medical term actually. Although I am unsure of it's origin, I can tell you that it means, "a nym that was born attracted only to other nyms of the same sex".
"Gee Sarah, I really enjoyed my date with Bill the other night, but I think he's a homonym. He kept flirting with the nym that waited on us at the Wiener Schnitzel."
Wiener. That's a funny word. Wiener, wiener, wiener. I wonder who invented it? It was probably me the last time I couldn't sleep.
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