Sunday, December 11, 2005

Nog me, Baby one good time.

Ho...ho...and ho again! It's almost here!!!!

I was lying in bed last night contemplating, which I often do. The difference is, last night I was holiday contemplating, which is contemplating with a Christmas theme.

Here are the top ten things about which I spent the night ruminating. (Please hum "Oh Christmas Tree" quietly while reading...just like in the Christmas Charlie Brown special.)

10. What is a merry gentleman and why are they dismayed?

9. Who first came up with the idea of putting rum in raw eggs, calling it 'nog' and drinking it? I'm gonna say it was a college freshman and he did it as a means of gaining entry into a fraternity during pledge week.

8. I have decided a completely under appreciated and under used word in our language is "Wassail". If I were still popping out kids I'd have a boy just so I could name him Wassail. I simply cannot believe there is no one in the phone book named Wassail Zappa.

7. Are there really men alive who will actually purchase a Swiffer as a Christmas gift and if so, are their wives actually having sex with them? Is this a chicken or the egg kind of deal? Did the wives of the Swiffer givers stop having sex with them and that's why they're getting cleaning products for Christmas? Or did the Swiffer givers stop getting sex because they give their wives Swiffers? It's a conundrum.

6. Why do we murder a tree in the spirit of the Christmas season, bring it home, stick it in a tree stand in front of our living room window so all our neighbors can see it and then decorate it with sparkly lights and ornaments? I am very thankful we do not do the same sort of thing in the spirit of hunting season. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to the term "deer stand" doesn't it?

5. How does Santa get all those presents to all the kids all over the world in one night anyway? I suspect there is a world wide release of some sort of noxious sleeping gas that knocks us out for days at a time and we don't even know it. If Bin-Laden ever finds Santa's secret lab, we're screwed.

4. Why does Mr. Man believe me year after year when I say we shouldn't buy each other Christmas presents when what I really mean is, he should buy me something sparkly and expensive that comes in a tiny box? Geez. How many Christmases does a girl have to secretly cry in the shower before her husband figures out he's killing her a little each year? (That wasn't pathetic was it?)

3. I was told once when I was a little Southern Baptist girl that every Christmas at exactly midnight animals can talk. Each year I try to stay awake to ask the dog why he enjoys eating cat poop, but thanks to the Santa gas conspiracy, that question remains unanswered.

2. We say "Happy Birthday", "Happy New Year", "Happy Thanksgiving" but we say "Merry Christmas". I think to keep that special Christmasy feeling alive, we should start wishing people Merry things throughout the year. How do you feel about, "Merry tax return", "Have a Merry divorce" or "Wishing you a very Merry root canal"?

1. More than anything this Christmas I would like to deck my halls as per the song, but I have no idea what that means. Do you deck the halls in your own home and if so, how does one deck? I only actually have one hall in my house, so do I go ahead deck it or does protocol dictate you must have more than one hall in order to deck appropriately? All I know is that decking halls must be barrel loads of Christmas fun as people who do deck are inspired to sing, "Fa la la la la, la la la la".

Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
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None said...

LMAO I can admit, I haven't really been in the mood for holidays this yr but some of those questions really made me laugh. Keep 'em coming! *smiles*

Sher said...

Awwww....Thanks a bunch!