Saturday, December 31, 2005

Out with the old, in with the ...


Can you even believe it? Unlike many of you, I did manage to keep all last year's resolutions, so I'm pretty stoked about that. I think I should become a motivational speaker.

"Set the bar really low." How's that for motivation?

This year I will do exactly the same thing. 'Why mess with success' is what I always say. Ok... what I really always say is, "What have I told you about touching me there, Mr. Man".

Here are the OCD Chick's resolutions for 2006.

1. Use the words "spectacular" and "flabbergasted" for no good reason at all as often as I can every single day.

2. Fashion a rudimentary effigy of Angelina Jolie and poke it once in the lips with a red hot pin every Sunday afternoon. Twice on Tuesdays.

3. Teach Tanner the Amazing Four Pound Yorkie to climb all over everyone that comes into our house and lick them repeatedly on their noses while they try to swat him away like he's Tanner the Amazing Four Pound Fly.

4. Spend as much money as I can on more Michael Buble music and find new and spectacular ways to lie to Mr. Man about said money. Periodically bend at the waist while contorting my face and throw in vague references to feminine products and Midol to shut him down.

5. Every time I run into them, hug my friends from the heroic and thankfully back at home 891st until their heads pop off or until it borders on unhealthy and slightly uncomfortable for anyone watching.

6. Increase my divinity consumption. I love that stuff and yet I eat it only on rare occasions. What's up with that? With a name like divinity, it must be good for me.

7. Stop telling people who email me asking to buy my book that in fact I do not have one. Instead, start asking them to send me $21.99 and then pretend their book got lost in the mail. Damn postal service. Their incompetence leaves me flabbergasted.

8. No more square dancing. The rising cost of poofy skirts has forced me to this sad end. Do-si-do on, Brother. Do-si-do on.

9. Get in touch with my inner child by climbing a tree just like when I was a little OCD Chick. (Note to self: Google the location of the Keebler Elves. If I'm going to climb a tree, I prefer to climb one that has tiny men inside baking me cookies.)

10. Start my own Partridge Family fan club. Design club sashes complete with a system of badges members can earn and petition Congress to replace the Eagle with the Partridge. Send David Cassidy's attorney a lovely nosegay in an effort to persuade him to drop the restraining order.

Copyright © 2004-2005, Sherri Bailey
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