Thursday, January 26, 2006

Jackleg, jackleg, jackleg.

"I'm going to need you to put on this paper shirt for no good reason," said the lady whose medical orientation was not specified on her name tag. "And be sure the opening is in the front."

"Umm, yeah...if Doc has my xrays and the thingies inside my girls can't be felt from the outside, why does he need to examine me?"

She looked as if in the history of the medical profession no woman had ever questioned a request to wear a paper vest. The best answer she could give me was this....

"Because he's a surgeon and he doesn't like surprises."

So, I put on the damn paper vest like a good girl. But when he came in the room I jumped from behind the tongue depressors and yelled, "Boo".

"I'm Dr. Bald Guy," he said as he shook my hand. "Now why don't you tell me what you know about what's going on with your breasts."

If I had a nickel for every time a bald guy asked me that.

"I'm told that one of the twins has micro-calcification that the radiologist says he's 100% sure is not cancer. The other one he can't be sure about so we're going to biopsy."

He smiled and cocked his head. "You're from Oklahoma, aren't you? I like that accent."

"North Carolina. Do you agree with the radiologist?"

"North Carolina!" he said it with such shock and awe that I was worried I'd had a seizure and told him I was from Pluto. "How in the world does a girl get from North Carolina to here?"

I felt like I was on a first date. A first date where I had nothing to wear but paper clothes.

"I could tell you, but it involves many twists, turn and husbands and we'd be here awhile. You wanna bill Blue Cross for that?"

"So, did you move directly from North Carolina to here, or have you lived other places as well?"

I have had men ask fewer questions before they said I do. "Really, it's a very long story," I said.

He laughed as if I'd just told him the one about a priest, a rabbi and a monkey. "Why don't you go ahead and lie back on the table now. Put one arm behind your head and relax while I examine you real quick."

Now this really felt like a date.

"Sherri, I'm going to send you to a doctor in the city to do the biopsy. I don't necessarily agree with the radiologist, so I'd like to biopsy both breasts. I'm not going to lie to you... it's going to be an uncomfortable procedure."

That's doctor for it's going to hurt like hell.

"If you knew that you were going to send me to another doctor, exactly why did I have to come here and go through an examination?" I have to admit, I was a little angry.

His answer?

"I'm sorry if you felt inconvenienced."

"Not inconvenienced, Doctor. Curious."

In the south, when we feel someone is shall we say, a cad, we want to call them a jackass but our upbringing won't allow it. No one would dare to utter such a word so instead we refer to them as a jackleg.

This man was the jackeleggiest of all the jacklegs and although some might argue I am taking out my concerns over this situation on him, I still want nothing more tonight than to make him put on paper underwear and kick him in his taquitos.

Yeah. That feels right.

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