Sunday, March 05, 2006

The mating call of the bleach blonde, titanium breasted Southern tarheel.

I like make-up. Actually… that's not accurate.

I love make-up. In fact so great is my love of make-up, it would be reasonable for you to assume that I would forcefully and intentionally run you over with my Wal-Mart cart if for some weird reason you tried to stand between me and the Max Factor.

Almost every morning I wake up bright and early to stare into the bathroom mirror and begin the process of painting, applying, spackling and powdering myself so as to be at least presentable to the rest of the world. If during the course of my day no one suddenly vomits while they are looking at me, I call it good.

Since I spend so much time in front of the mirror, I have lots of hours to ponder things that need pondering. The main thing that crosses my mind each day during the primping and teasing is the same thing most women think about when they are putting on make-up.

Of course, I’m talking about anthropology.

Anthropology is defined as the scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans. When I’m painting my lips a ruby red or coating my eyelashes with black goo, I wonder what would happen if suddenly there was another ice age and I were preserved in thick ice for about a jillion years only to be dug up and studied by anthropologists.

How would they explain me to their students?

“What we have here ladies and gentlemen is a wonderfully preserved example of the female of the species from the year 2006. She was apparently frozen in the midst of her pre-mating ritual.

“As you can see, her face is painted in various colors. We have thick black lines around her eyes, brown & sparkly paint on her eye lids, a pale pink on her cheekbones and her lips are covered in what appears to be a blood red petroleum substance.

“What’s more, she has somehow applied a thick substance on each individual eyelash and for reasons we have not yet figured out, she appears to have pulled out most of her own eyebrows.”

I can almost hear the gasps from the white coat wearing class room.

“Based upon our studies of other specimens found during the great 2006 freeze, we have hypothesized that this elaborate painting ritual was something the female of the species did in order to attract the male. It’s interesting to note that while the male was apparently very attracted to the intricate facial artwork of the female and would only mate long term with the most well painted, the female was apparently attracted to what today we might call the malodorous and unkempt. Clearly males were in high demand and therefore did not have to make any great effort to get or keep a mate.”

“Geez. It’d be nice if females were still like that,” some college sophomore would snicker.

“That’s it for today, class. Tomorrow we’ll be discussing the ancient male’s bizarre obsession with the female’s breasts and the preposterous and inexplicable lie females would sometimes tell males after mating known as the “it ain’t the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean” myth. Your homework tonight is to write a short 100 word essay describing what you think this thong looking thing she’s wearing might be and why no male has been found wearing one.”

Here's your great music video of the day: Kenny Wayne Shepherd.

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