Saturday, December 02, 2006

Daddy Dearest

"So, how do you get to that place on the computer where you write stories anyway?"

It was these words spoken by the man who fathered me that caused me to throw up a little in my mouth and wonder whether I could live in Mexico with any degree of success even though I only know how to say "Hola"... and frankly even that sounds Southern when I say it.

My Pop aka "The Dirtinator", recently retired. I was so happy that finally he had the resolve to walk away from a job where he tortured his body on a daily basis. In fact, I was probably his biggest cheerleader. "Retire, Pop," I would say every time we talked. "You deserve it".

That was until he called a couple days ago and informed me that the Senior Center in his town was offering computer classes and he thought he might take one just so he could read some of the things his daughter had written.

In the words of the immortal Charlie Brown, "Ugh".

I have not lived under my Father's roof since I was 18 years old. As soon as it was anywhere near possible, I left North Carolina so fast I'm sure there are still skidmarks at the state line. Once I left, he and my Step-Mother would visit me from time to time no matter how far away I roamed... even though sometimes I roamed so far away they needed a passport to find me.

Although Pop has mellowed over the years, he's not gone soft by any means. He's very firm on three things in his life.

1) God.
2) Martha (my Step-Mother).
3) The fact that his daughter is a screw up.

I swear to you, I could take a mail order class to learn brain surgery, find a cure for both cancer and athlete's foot, build a shelter for ugly orphans and knit socks for the hungry in my spare time... and my Father would still acknowledge only something stupid I did when I was sixteen.

Or thirty.

"We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this special announcement from the President of the United States."

"On behalf of a grateful nation, I hereby pin this big honking medal on Sher and thank her for her years of tireless research which led to the discovery that moon-pies cure infidelity among men. Thanks to her, marriages across the country were saved, millions of children were spared the pain of a broken home and the moon-pie industry is booming.

And now, we'll hear from her Father, who I personally flew in on Air Force One to share in this momentous occasion."

Pop would clear his throat, get super close to the microphone and say, "I'd like everyone to know that her name is Sherri Lynn, not Sher. She dyes her hair, she's been married so many times I can't even tell you what their names were, and when she was fifteen, she got drunk on moonshine at school. Thank you very much."

No matter how old I am or how far away I get from bad decisions and ugly ex-husbands, I can always count on Daddy to keep the score card handy and up to date, bless his heart. He's got a longer list of my trangressions that even the devil himself. Can you imagine what he's gonna do, say and think when he begins to read some of the things I've written here???

Does anyone know how to say, "Yes.. I will marry you" in Spanish?

target="_blank">I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow (Radio Version) You can take the girl out of the South, but you can't take the South outta the girl.


Copyright © 2004-2006, Sherri Bailey
This blog may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the express written permission of the author.

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com

Tell me you hate me at: Yeah. I'm so sure I'm going to make that easy for you.

Add to My Yahoo!

Visit Ms. Crazy On Her Face Online

2 comments:

Tidewaterbound said...

Bless your heart Sher. You can always manage to give even the obviously painful things in life a humorous bend.

Hey, but he COULD end up mesmerized by eBay and never find you online....

OR,

He could find his way here and realize you for the wonder that you are and how many lives you brighten and give hope to.

Smiles to ya,

Carol (Tide)

Sher said...

How kind of you!

Thank you for saying nice things that my Father will read.

See Pop? Some people think I'm funny.