This Christmas, I want...
1. To magically have twelve years and three times that many pounds removed from my body without having to exfoliate anything, eat anything that tastes like something a duck might leave behind after ingesting some green pond water, or bend at the waste more than once a day.
2. A telescope for my boobs so they can take up astronomy. All they do now is stare at the floor.
3. Mr. Man to put on a tux and swoop me off my feet in a crazy romantical gesture like in a movie.
4. A gift certificate for a couple writing classes so I will stop thinking it's funny to use words like romantical and swoop.
5. Anything I might wear upon my body that is shiny, sparkly and considered to be tacky and in poor taste by anyone with any sort of upbringing whatsoever.
6. Music. Lots and lots and lots of music.
7. All the children of the world to hold hands and sing a song of holiday cheer... so all the moms of the world can use that few minutes to pee without someone knocking on the door.
8. The Oprah to invite me to be on her show where she will introduce me to a fabulous, high-heel wearing literary agent so that I will become a fabulous, high-heel wearing published author who will be way too good to write for free here.
9. A monkey.
And my biggest, most desired Christmas request this year for the man in red?
10. Peace on Earth.
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