Monday, March 19, 2007

Dave Barry & W. Bruce Cameron and the toilet full of chili.

Although I’m thinking maybe its not the best idea I’ve ever had to admit a crime I’m about to commit on the internet where any number of law abiding citizens and law enforcement type people can read it, I’ll do what I always do when that little voice inside my brain tries to shut me down.

I’ll give it pie & Tequila until it falls asleep and then I’ll do whatever I want.

I’ve decided that in an effort to create a spectacular buzz around my writing, I’m going to kidnap Dave Barry and Bruce Cameron.

If you don’t know who Dave Barry & W. Bruce Cameron are, I’m glad because if you did, you would know what funny really is, which means you wouldn’t show up here as often as you do.

Wikipedia defines Dave Barry as a Pulitzer Prize winning humorist who wrote a nationally syndicated column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005 and W. Bruce Cameron as an internationally known humor columnist who authored 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.

I define Dave Barry and W. Bruce Cameron as the innocent targets of my brilliant and admittedly criminal plot.

Follow my logic here.

People who kidnap other people get attention. People who kidnap famous people get lots and lots of attention. Their pictures are plastered on every news source in the whole world, TV psychologists discuss the possibility that their mother may have dropped them on their head, and of course Nancy Grace doesn’t take her Midol and does a five part series on whether or not they should rot in hell.

If I kidnap two of the most famous humor writers of our time, I will definitely be the talk of the country.

Hours and hours will be spent by the media rehashing what reason a woman wearing a clown wig and red high heels would have to kidnap a couple writers with only two things in common: they are both brilliantly funny and they both still have their fourth grade hair styles.

That was mean. In my defense, I am a kidnapper. What did you expect?

As to the “how” of my malevolent plan, the details are not really cemented yet. I think the hardest part of a successful kidnapping is the lure. There has to be something compelling that would cause Dave Barry and W. Bruce Cameron to walk away from whatever they are doing and get in my car.

I know for sure Dave has a thing for exploding stuff, like cows and toilets, because he made a career out of talking about them. I also know Bruce once wrote a super famous column about chili. Perhaps an exploding toilet filled with chili would do the trick.

I know it would get my attention.

What about a trap like the ones manly men set in the wilderness to trap bears and lions and mountain trolls? I don’t want anything that might injure them by ferociously snapping their legs, but rather something involving a plate of snacks and a net.

Wonder what successful writers eat? Personally I enjoy banana pudding, but as I presently do not legally qualify as a successful writer, I’d better do some more research on that. What do you wanna bet it’s something frilly like cucumber sandwiches or Sloppy Joes with the crust cut off?

I’ve got it! Remember how Bugs Bunny used to throw on a dress and slap on some lipstick and giant eyelashes to lure the Tasmanian Devil? I’ll bet if I were to promise Mr. Man he would get some chocolate covered cherries out of the deal, I could get him to Bunny up to help capture my targets.

I’m off to shop for pudding and chili. As for you, keep your eye on CNN and keep your mouth shut. We never had this conversation.

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ruaseeker2 said...

To the very pretty lady who makes me laugh so hard that my co-workers get so scared that THEY pee themselves...

You, my dear, are bunches more funny than Barry or Cameron.

YOU should have columns all over the newspapers, books rolling out on shelves, etc.

You have more talent in your little pinky than they have in their whole bods!

Just thought I would take a moment to set the record straight...

Sher said...

How do you feel about moving to Vermont and opening a little B&B together?

What nice (and completely undeserved) things to say. Maybe you should be my agent. I'd pay you the standard cut and all the Depends you'd need.