Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dear Men Who Still Can’t Recognize a Dateline NBC Sting.

First of all, you are all ugly.

You are ugly in a way that is almost painful. So great is your level of ugliness, the site of you makes me feel exactly the way I did when a friend told me the story of a leech that was discovered to be living in the nose of some guy after his waiter (the guy’s, not the leech’s) saw it pop its slimy head out and then retreat back inside.

There is nothing attractive about a leech living in a guy’s nose and there is nothing attractive about you. Given the choice between framing and displaying a picture of a nose dwelling leech and one of you, I’d sooner live with a leech portrait over my sofa.

Not only are you extraordinarily unpleasant to look at, I couldn’t help but notice that you are among the most dim-witted of all things that walk on two legs and have thumbs.

You have online chats with children who tell you they are only 13, to which you typically say something intellectual like, “You’re not one of those Dateline decoys, are you?”

Are you freaking kidding me? Of course they are one of those Dateline decoys; you pack of mentally feeble butt monkeys.

I realize I have little expertise when it comes to the mind of a criminal who preys upon children, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here. Perhaps it would simply be a good standard of child molester practice to go ahead and assume any and every child you stalk online is a Dateline decoy.

Just because they spell poorly or use the internet slang “lol” way more than any actual adult ever would does not mean they are really children.

So you don’t forget, grab your crayon and jot this down on the back of the credit card statement that details your disgusting porn addiction: EVERY CHILD YOU MEET ONLINE IS A DATELINE DECOY, you ignorant, hump-backed, scum-sucking, bunch of psychos.

Furthermore, no one, and I do mean no one in the entire universe, wants to see photos of your penises. Stop that.

Apparently you’ve gotten a hold of some misinformation when it comes to what females find sexy, so I’m going to enlighten you. While we ladies love our men, we aren’t all that captivated with their little men. Nope. The female of the species would much rather see a picture of a nice looking fireman holding a puppy or a guy doing the dishes rather than an up close shot of what you all evidently think is uniquely impressive, but in truth really offers nothing new since about… I don’t know… the dawn of man.

It’s a penis. If you’re a guy, everyone knows you have one. If you’re a child molester, everyone knows it should be cut off.

To summarize the issue of sending penis pictures to any female, under age or not, here’s a good rule of thumb. Unless you have had it Bedazzled, it’s pretty much the same thing we’ve all seen before. Keep it where it belongs: in your pants or in a jar filled with formaldehyde.

And finally, here’s some special advice to aid you in that climactic moment where you get caught. (And even though I get that you aren’t clever enough to understand that you will get caught, you’re so gonna get caught.)

Don’t say you were only at the house: a) to mentor the child b) to explain the dangers of cyber hooking up c) to talk to them about Jesus.

You’re there, you’re busted, take it like a man. A nasty, smelly, slug slime of a man, but anatomically a man nonetheless.

Hit the ground, assume the position and kiss your job, your friends and your freedom good-bye.

Can you say, “Yes, Bubba. I’ll get the soap”?

Something to get the reader's mind off Dateline and it's stars: Dwight Yoakam - Love him awful. Especially when he's singing about a NC girl, and this chick HAS to be an NC girl.


Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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9 comments:

Diesel said...

You wouldn't last long in your job as a Dateline decoy if you fessed up whenever somebody asked if you were a Dateline decoy. Seems like not answering that question in the affirmative would be the minimal requirement for the job, just ahead of being able to type coherently.

Great post. Found you through Dorky Dad, I think. :)

Sher said...

Thanks, Diesel.

Diesel. Hmmm. Maybe I should get a cool name like that only more feminine.

How's Ginnyrator sound?

Tidewaterbound said...

awesome rant Sher! Go get'em!

Carol (Tide)

Diesel said...

LOL. Ginnyrator sounds like something you use when you're husband's out of town.

I'm in the process of adding you to humor-blogs.com, btw. (Yes, I'm that Diesel. Didn't realize I had already gotten an email from you when I left that last comment. :) )

Dan said...

Yeah! What's up with all of those dudes?? Jeez. Someone should get them Seasons 1, 2 and 3 on DVD. Besides being ugly they're dumb as doorknobs. Actually, that's not so fair to doorknobs.

Diesel said...

Sher - Come play in my caption contest!

Sher said...

I can honestly say no one has ever given me an invitation like that in my entire long-legged life.

Everybody else come with me and let's see what he's talking about.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

"mentally feeble butt monkeys"

I love that phrase. By the way, thanks for visiting my blog.

Tidewaterbound said...

Sher,

Appears your fan club is growing. I'm really glad I'm not the only one with good taste!

Go Girl, Go!
Carol (Tide)