I am not a gusher. I refuse to gush even when gushing is absolutely called for and everyone around me is oozing gush like no other. That’s why you need to accept what I’m about to tell you as the absolute indisputable truth, just like you did that whole lunar landing thing.
Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is the single best thing ever invented in the history of the world and I am including all the big ones, like life-saving vaccines, the wheel and divorce.
It is so good…scratch good… it is so marvelous…crap, scratch marvelous, too. (Think Sher. What word is big enough to describe the drink that has changed your life?)
Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. In fact, it would be more accurately described as freaking Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!!!
The very first drink you take is sort of like, “OK. There’s the Diet Pepsi. There’s the hint of sweet,” and then at the very moment you feel like bitch slapping PepsiCo for yanking your chain about the whole caramel thing, BAM! Bashful little caramel bursts forth and gives you a big smack on the tongue.
It’s like drinking a mischievous child.
I don’t even know what that means, “drinking a mischievous child”. Who says stuff like that?
People who drink Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream, that’s who. That’s the power of the Pepsi. It has turned this perfectly normal obsessive-compulsive woman into a gushing two-liter addict who would sooner give up something that belongs to my husband than ever live one minute without my new reason for living.
And although I have not as yet completed my scientific studies regarding the accuracy of the following statement, I’m as convinced of it as Howard K. Stern is about the existence of the Methadone Fairy.
Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream will make your boobs bigger if you’re a woman, you’re penis bigger if you’re not, and if you drink enough of it every day AND you truly believe, there is a distinct possibility that you will manifest the power to fly.
Unless you drank so much that your boobs got really, really big. Then the weight of them would probably send you plummeting to Earth no matter how hard you flap your arms.
Listen to Joss Stone's New CD on AOL. She's amazing.
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