Scarlet billows start to spread.

If I go on a cruise, I want it to be on a ship with no more than one level, all the furniture must be the blow up kind like you can buy in the toy section of Wal-Mart and preferably where no one (but me) weighs more than a Super Model.

Instead of massive (and obviously heavy) buffets, I want everyone to be served only
Jell-o, Cool Whip and tiny paper cups filled with Tang.

And absolutely nothing else.

Well, maybe some 3 Musketeers bars ‘because I’ve seen them float on TV.

I also want tiny, skinny, cruise guards with big inflatable guns whose job it will be to anally probe every person onboard in search of Weapons of Mass Cruise Destruction. Things like bombs and toxic chemicals and pointy things that can poke holes in a boat.

In addition to having each orifice of every guest thoroughly searched, I would like them forcibly weighed. Anyone found to weigh enough to sink a ship will have ten minutes to purge down to an acceptable cruise weight or will be shoved overboard.

As an aid, sex videos starring Keith Richards & Rush Limbaugh will be featured in the Mary Kate & Ashley Purging Solarium.

No matter what anyone else does, I’ll wear a lovely green life vest every minute of every day, a set of water wings, and I’ll keep an empty 2 liter pop bottle under my arm for added security. Of course, I will also wear jewelry made out of material that is repulsive to sharks and squid. I’m not entirely sure what that material would be at the moment, but I would guess it would be something that doesn’t taste like blood.

Or tuna.

Additionally, my room will have to be made entirely of things that float. There will be no need for a bed as I will sleep in a fully inflated life boat with a Styrofoam lifesaver as my pillow. Actually, I won’t even need a place to lie down as I will be sitting right behind the captain every night making sure he doesn’t hit an iceberg.

For the duration of my vacation, I will be adamant a ban of jumping up and down by anyone for any reason is put into place. In fact, I think I’ll bring a whistle to help enforce that measure.

There will be no heavy walking allowed and in the name of all that is obsessive, no one will ever lean over or even get near the edge. I will also insist that no more than ten people at a time stand on one side of the ship so that it does not flip over.

So long as these rules are strictly adhered to, I may be able at some point to grant my kid’s wish and go on a cruise. Hopefully one that offers an onboard short term mental health facility complete with complimentary pills.

I may not know a lot of things, like how to roller skate or get a book published, but I do know you simply cannot put something as big and heavy as a cruise ship on top of the water and expect it not to sink.

It makes about as much sense as airplanes getting and staying in the air and tall buildings not falling down when people on the top floors buy heavy furniture or run too much water in the tub.

Today's song had to be by My Michael: Mack the Knife.

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