Occasionally I write as a public service. It makes me feel all PBS inside. I really like knowing the world is a better place because I told it what to do.
Today’s helpful hints from Sher the bitchy humor writer are directed at men. Before you go all crazy on me and call me a man hater or some other mean thing, please remember who you’re talking to here.
I love men. I marry them all the time. I can’t imagine a world without men. It would be a place I’d never want to live… mainly because it would be a land over run with spiders and flat tires.
Also remember that I am not one to make fun of people. Except for clowns. They smell funny.
So men, today we’re going to talk about what not to wear. As I realize you couldn’t care less about what not to wear, I will speak to you in your native tongue so as to better persuade you to listen.
We’re going to talk about what not to wear if you want sex more than once or twice in your lifetime and with someone who does not routinely wear a hair net and shave her chin.
1. If you own a pair of those man sandals that have Velcro straps across them, I want you to push away from your computer, fetch them, and throw them in the trash right now. Not the inside trash either where you might be tempted to later dig them back out when you’ve had time to think it over. Throw them in the dumpster outside. In fact, get in your car and rush without delay to deposit them in the nearest landfill. We’ll wait for you.
Since you’re making a trash trip anyway, you might as well go ahead and toss any and all shoes that utilize Velcro. If you struggle with the art form that is shoe tying, Google an online class or get yourself one of those monkeys trained to button shirts and tie shoes for the fingerless.
2. Unless you are in college or younger, striped polo shirts are questionable at best. I know you want to tell me how your polo shirt is different because you bought it at an American Eagle outlet store after seeing some guy at a kegger wearing one, but you are really going to need a better argument to change my mind. I’ll even go ahead and give you to the age of 25 to wear them, but once you’re old enough to develop any sort of beer gut, the jig is up.
3. I realize having your pants fall down to your ankles in public can be one of life’s most horrific events, but take a walk on the wild side and risk it once in awhile. That lovely black belt you have that holds up your jeans would be better used to tie up a loved one on a special occasion. No one wants to see it cinched around your waist when you’re wearing your faded Master Bait & Liquor t-shirt (tucked in, of course) and your Champion tennis shoes. Stop it.
4. Shorts. Where oh where do I begin? I love man legs as much as the next girl, but that does not mean I want to see you in a pair of Daisy Dukes. If your shorts are actually short enough to show your man-gina, it’s time to seriously question your sexuality and consider batting for the other team. (To be fair however, I’m guessing they won’t let you wear those things either.)
5. White tube socks are the best ever when wearing combat boots or doing some manly thing that requires dressing in camo, like hunting for bear or sitting in a deer stand getting drunk. Conversely, wearing them with your tennis shoes and jeans is beyond manly. It’s old-manly. I wanna see some leg hair, Baby.
6. And finally, please do the world a favor and ease up on the cheap cologne. I’ll be the first to admit that an ugly guy can cause me to stop dead in my tracks if he smells pretty ‘cause I’m a sucker for the good smelling males. But… and much like mine, this is a big but….I much prefer not to smell him before I see him. If you’re still wearing something with the word “Jovan” on the bottle, it’s time to go shopping. Remember: if you want the womens, you gots to smell all kinds of good. It’s the law.
7. Yes, I did say “and finally” on the number before this one, but the OCD Chick doesn’t like that number and can never end with it or else bad things will happen to good obsessive-compulsive people. Trust me. When I’m not dead tomorrow, you’ll thank me.
I love this song so much, it's not even healthy.
Wrapped by George Strait
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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Tell me you love me at: HumorWriter@gmail.com
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