Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I care. I'm a caring giver. And a nurturer. I'm a caring giver nurturer.

Occasionally I write as a public service. It makes me feel all PBS inside. I really like knowing the world is a better place because I told it what to do.

Today’s helpful hints from Sher the bitchy humor writer are directed at men. Before you go all crazy on me and call me a man hater or some other mean thing, please remember who you’re talking to here.

I love men. I marry them all the time. I can’t imagine a world without men. It would be a place I’d never want to live… mainly because it would be a land over run with spiders and flat tires.

Also remember that I am not one to make fun of people. Except for clowns. They smell funny.

So men, today we’re going to talk about what not to wear. As I realize you couldn’t care less about what not to wear, I will speak to you in your native tongue so as to better persuade you to listen.

We’re going to talk about what not to wear if you want sex more than once or twice in your lifetime and with someone who does not routinely wear a hair net and shave her chin.

1. If you own a pair of those man sandals that have Velcro straps across them, I want you to push away from your computer, fetch them, and throw them in the trash right now. Not the inside trash either where you might be tempted to later dig them back out when you’ve had time to think it over. Throw them in the dumpster outside. In fact, get in your car and rush without delay to deposit them in the nearest landfill. We’ll wait for you.

Since you’re making a trash trip anyway, you might as well go ahead and toss any and all shoes that utilize Velcro. If you struggle with the art form that is shoe tying, Google an online class or get yourself one of those monkeys trained to button shirts and tie shoes for the fingerless.

2. Unless you are in college or younger, striped polo shirts are questionable at best. I know you want to tell me how your polo shirt is different because you bought it at an American Eagle outlet store after seeing some guy at a kegger wearing one, but you are really going to need a better argument to change my mind. I’ll even go ahead and give you to the age of 25 to wear them, but once you’re old enough to develop any sort of beer gut, the jig is up.

3. I realize having your pants fall down to your ankles in public can be one of life’s most horrific events, but take a walk on the wild side and risk it once in awhile. That lovely black belt you have that holds up your jeans would be better used to tie up a loved one on a special occasion. No one wants to see it cinched around your waist when you’re wearing your faded Master Bait & Liquor t-shirt (tucked in, of course) and your Champion tennis shoes. Stop it.

4. Shorts. Where oh where do I begin? I love man legs as much as the next girl, but that does not mean I want to see you in a pair of Daisy Dukes. If your shorts are actually short enough to show your man-gina, it’s time to seriously question your sexuality and consider batting for the other team. (To be fair however, I’m guessing they won’t let you wear those things either.)

5. White tube socks are the best ever when wearing combat boots or doing some manly thing that requires dressing in camo, like hunting for bear or sitting in a deer stand getting drunk. Conversely, wearing them with your tennis shoes and jeans is beyond manly. It’s old-manly. I wanna see some leg hair, Baby.

6. And finally, please do the world a favor and ease up on the cheap cologne. I’ll be the first to admit that an ugly guy can cause me to stop dead in my tracks if he smells pretty ‘cause I’m a sucker for the good smelling males. But… and much like mine, this is a big but….I much prefer not to smell him before I see him. If you’re still wearing something with the word “Jovan” on the bottle, it’s time to go shopping. Remember: if you want the womens, you gots to smell all kinds of good. It’s the law.

7. Yes, I did say “and finally” on the number before this one, but the OCD Chick doesn’t like that number and can never end with it or else bad things will happen to good obsessive-compulsive people. Trust me. When I’m not dead tomorrow, you’ll thank me.

*********

I love this song so much, it's not even healthy.
Wrapped by George Strait



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13 comments:

Jami said...

First, I think it's "pMs" - at least in my world it is.

This post is SO right on the mark that I am compelled to comment. (Actually, I'm compelled to do a number of things, but the meds seem to be helping.) So, moving right along:
1. (For future reference, they're called "mandals".) And yes, they suck, but they really suck when guys wear socks with them. And they really, REALLY suck when the socks are black ... but not as bad as when they don't wear socks but the toenails are black. eEWWwww! NO! NO! NO!!
2. Especially when the stripes run horizontally and really show off your man-boobs. Put those shirts in the car with the mandals (see, it's already being referenced here in the future) before making the landfill run.
3. To be honest, if you have to wear a belt to hold up your pants, I'm not sure you're my kind of guy ... at least in a physical sense. I'm not real fond of the body type that says "I'm smuggling basketballs under my shirt", but that's just me.
4. No shorts in public. If it's so hot that you can't bear to wear long pants, just stay home. Or go out and sweat a little. Ladies like a little sheen to the skin.
5. You can wear them with cowboy boots, too. Or around the house in the winter, but that's it.
6. No woman wants to know that you're going to enter the room 20 seconds before you get there, or that you were in the room an hour after we kick you out. BTW, a lot of women like the smell of clean.
7. There was more?

Sher said...

LOL. I concur on all points with the exception of no shorts in public. I love the man legs in the right man shorts. My Mr. Man and my Deputy Pretty have fabulous legs... but they do not wear man-gina coochie shorts.

TSG said...

Thanks for the offer to help me find my first wife. It might be good to start with a girlfriend first. Will the fact I've never owned a pair of sandals, and have only one pair of Carhart work shorts make it easier to find one? If Redwing makes a steel toed sandal, I might consider a pair. No cologne or any kind of foo-foo water. I do like white socks, but you can't see em. No cowboy boots for me. I'd say you're pretty much on the money here except you didn't mention a belt with your name on the back (I wear one). I'm still thinking about the sox.

Sher said...

Do guys still wear belts with their names on them, Toad Suck Guy? Ugh.

Regarding foo-foo water, perhaps you should invest in some in your pursuit of a female. Nothing with a ship on it or the word musk, but something that's all good and nothing nice. Chicks dig it. Not too much, though.

BTW...enquiring minds want a pic of the real TSG, the official stalker of WTCOMF. Pony up.

Jami said...

Yeah - what she said about real stalker pix. Pony up.

Nancy said...

I will add no crocs, no AF or Hollister unless you are under 25, no pet wallets (ie chained to your belt loop) and absofuckinlutely no speedos!

TSG said...

Yes we do still wear those belts. Where else do you fasten your chain-drive wallet? Which, by the way, Nancy will prevent your girlfriend from having to pay for the meal when you are out on your bike. Otherwise correct, no such wallets. Belts push pants down on fat guys (unless you are Todd Loopner) fat guys wear suspenders Jami. Guys with slim hips wear belts to keep their pants up (at least until the appropriate time). Sher understands these things. That's why I wait........ And pretty, did forget pretty?

ploop said...

great - looks like I'm in the clear then. No one has made a comment on the hilarious comedy ties I wear to work - so they clearly get the ladies hot. My ties are sooo funny - some have even got the Simpsons on!

Jami said...

TSG - OK, if you have to wear ANYTHING to hold up your pants you need to either get a new body or a new pair of pants that fit. And the "smuggling basketballs" comment is in force regardless of the pants.

Sher said...

Nancy,
YES!!! Stop with the AF & Hollister already. It's cute when my son wears it. Not cute when grown men wear it. I'm giving you an amen on the Crocs and banana hammock as well.

TSG,
You know the drill. If you say I'm pretty, that's sort of all I hear. You just moved up a notch on the potential husband list.

Ploop,
I dunno about these other chicks, but I'm all about funny ties. Love 'em. (Big fan of ties, as well.)

Jami,
Thanks. Now Toad Suck Guy smuggling basketballs is stuck in my OCD head. Guess I'm not sleeping tonight.

Jami said...

Just doing what I can to help because I know that personally I'm much snarkier when sleep-deprived. Other folks don't think so, but what the hell do they know?

Tidewaterbound said...

Honey, I'm still dealing with the post-op man. I'm graced with white boxers, white t-shirt, and the dressing for his incision I change twice daily...

The man is SO out of it in Joe Boxer PJ pants and not in his jeans, he's losing his old-fashioned mind.

I'll nag him more when he heals up.

Right now I've got to get him beyond the walker...in a few months. EEEK!

Carol (Tide)

Sher said...

Jami,
You are my evil twin.

Tide,
Welcome to my hell, sister.