Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I don't like him when he's mad.

Thirteen years ago, my woman water broke. Thirteen years ago at 9:05 May 24, I threatened to kill one doctor, one husband and pretty much anything with a penis.

And then I popped out a tiny, green baby boy and I decided maybe I could forgive the penis carriers of the world... or at least this one.

My husband looked markedly suspicious when our son was born, as anyone might have been, because it certainly appeared I had been diddling the Incredible Hulk.

Hey, I know me and I wouldn't put it past me. All them lime colored muscles and what not.

My tiny Lou love child is no longer tiny though. At 5'9 1/2", 135 pounds and wearing a size 12 shoe, you would be right to assume the illegal Mexican steroids I was taking during breast feeding were effective.

Nothing is more important than being ripped. Except making sure your newborn is ripped, too.

Far too many babies in this country have flabby abs and it sickens me.

The Big Dog is not only freakishly large; he is quite the athlete and crazy smart. He loves running long distances extremely fast. Momma runs only if something scary is chasing me and even then, only if I can’t distract the chaser by flashing it.

Or marrying it.

Unlike me, Algebra is my son’s bitch. This means I haven’t helped him with his math homework since 4th grade. Things squared make my butt look big and pi is for throwing or eating or putting Ex-Lax in when you have grown tired of telling your husband to get more exercise.

And by the way, X(bqsm)+R(q)VII does not equal a number, I don’t care what anyone says.

Book smart though he may be, I can still lie to my kid any time I want and he falls for it, so long as I remember to back it up with manufactured facts, statistics and references as well as a Mother Superior look. The ability to tell a believable lie to your children is the hallmark of a good parent.

Like why forks have a particular number of tines and where the word tine came from.

Of course you know Albert Einstein invented the fork in 1973 after his longtime girlfriend Bonnie N. Clyde dumped him in disgust upon watching him eat a bowl of Chef Boyardee Ravioli with his fingers. Little known fact, kids: Tine was actually his hairless cat’s name. Albert was allergic to shedildeemite, a substance found in the coat of North American kitties.

I love playing Trivial Pursuit with my boy because I alone taught him the answers to so many questions. For all he knows, I tore down the Berlin Wall with my bare hands.

When the birthday prince awakes in the morning, he will be treated to chocolate chip pancakes in bed, a few little presents and then the gift that I’m hoping will make him say the five little words that I always love to hear.

“Your present beats my Dad’s.”

I'm gonna walk away slowly now down a lonesone road, so stop reading.

Seriously. Stop it.

~^~^~^~^~^~
A song for my son he will never listen to because he doesn't yet have a taste for perfect music.




Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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10 comments:

LarryLilly said...

Yeah, I used to tell my kids that I made you, I can take you out any time I want and replace you with a better one. Then my eldest would say, "yeah, but then you would have to do the diaper thing all over again" Dam f'ng smart kid.

I may have taught you everything you know, but i didnt teach you ever thing I know!

My birthday congrats to your life form, and my condolences to your hubby's green baby memories.

Nancy said...

What a beautiful birthday post!
And now... let those teen years begin.

Great song, I like Vonda Shepard's version too.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Happy Birthday to Mr. Green.

Looks like you made it back from your trip okay.

How did that go?

Jami said...

OMFG! My baby child's birthday is today, too! (OK, now I'm starting to lean toward us being TWIN sisters.) Unlike yours, though, mine is not getting anything more than all the Cocoa Krispies - or Walmart's generic equivalent, anyway - she wants for her birthday. Our big present to her was the day off from school. It's cheap and she doesn't really have to know that yesterday was the last day of school for kindergarten.

And it's not really lying; I prefer to think of it either as creative reality or alternative truth. I mean, they're not going to learn anything if they don't ask OR if you don't answer when they ask. Although both of my kids are starting to catch on, I think. Now, they either greet my answers with "For real?", meaning they aren't certain it's a lie but they're pretty sure it is, or with "Yeah - right - sure", meaning they know it's not entirely representative of the real world. I'm working on developing a more believable delivery now because you know I want to remain a good parent.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GREEN ONE! (even the hair?)

Catwoman said...

You are absolutely hysterical! If it's ok with you, I'm going to blogroll you on my blog.

TSG said...

Consider yourself stalked! It's the best I can do for now.
I did work today. Like 6500 calorie a day work. There are NO fat people in my line of work, and I've lost enough blood to Ticks that I'm feeling faint. If I suddenly disappear it will be due to Lyme disease. A little sympathy would be OK.

Jami said...

Awwwww. (That's just to tide you over until Sher shows up.)

Sher said...

Larry,
You sound like my Daddy. "I can make another one just like you."

Nancy,
It's a great tune, huh?

Alpha,
Thank you and yes I did. I'll write about it once the trauma and humiliation have passed.

Jami aka Mom,
Too bizarre! Happy Birthday to yours as well. Yes... especially the hair. Meconium.

Catwoman,
You are a shining example to the other WTCOMF readers. Thank you!!!

TSG,
Thank you for the stalking and thank you for the picture you sent. I plan on posting it here soon so everyone can see it.

Jami said...

Me merican

trixie said...

Are you sure we aren't related in some alternate dimension?? My son's birthday is also 5/24, but you beat me to the lovely delivery room by exactly one year. (I will report however that yours has outgrown mine by a full 5" in height, which I feel sure he will not be happy to hear I reported.)
On the other hand, I think your first trip to the happy little room was a year earlier than mine, so maybe you were just waiting for me to catch up. Glad to hear you enjoyed a great birthday celebration. Mine is off at a Pirates movie with all his kewl friends, which most definitely does not include me at this point in life.