Thirteen years ago, my woman water broke. Thirteen years ago at 9:05 May 24, I threatened to kill one doctor, one husband and pretty much anything with a penis.
And then I popped out a tiny, green baby boy and I decided maybe I could forgive the penis carriers of the world... or at least this one.
My husband looked markedly suspicious when our son was born, as anyone might have been, because it certainly appeared I had been diddling the Incredible Hulk.
Hey, I know me and I wouldn't put it past me. All them lime colored muscles and what not.
My tiny Lou love child is no longer tiny though. At 5'9 1/2", 135 pounds and wearing a size 12 shoe, you would be right to assume the illegal Mexican steroids I was taking during breast feeding were effective.
Nothing is more important than being ripped. Except making sure your newborn is ripped, too.
Far too many babies in this country have flabby abs and it sickens me.
The Big Dog is not only freakishly large; he is quite the athlete and crazy smart. He loves running long distances extremely fast. Momma runs only if something scary is chasing me and even then, only if I can’t distract the chaser by flashing it.
Or marrying it.
Unlike me, Algebra is my son’s bitch. This means I haven’t helped him with his math homework since 4th grade. Things squared make my butt look big and pi is for throwing or eating or putting Ex-Lax in when you have grown tired of telling your husband to get more exercise.
And by the way, X(bqsm)+R(q)VII does not equal a number, I don’t care what anyone says.
Book smart though he may be, I can still lie to my kid any time I want and he falls for it, so long as I remember to back it up with manufactured facts, statistics and references as well as a Mother Superior look. The ability to tell a believable lie to your children is the hallmark of a good parent.
Like why forks have a particular number of tines and where the word tine came from.
Of course you know Albert Einstein invented the fork in 1973 after his longtime girlfriend Bonnie N. Clyde dumped him in disgust upon watching him eat a bowl of Chef Boyardee Ravioli with his fingers. Little known fact, kids: Tine was actually his hairless cat’s name. Albert was allergic to shedildeemite, a substance found in the coat of North American kitties.
I love playing Trivial Pursuit with my boy because I alone taught him the answers to so many questions. For all he knows, I tore down the Berlin Wall with my bare hands.
When the birthday prince awakes in the morning, he will be treated to chocolate chip pancakes in bed, a few little presents and then the gift that I’m hoping will make him say the five little words that I always love to hear.
“Your present beats my Dad’s.”
I'm gonna walk away slowly now down a lonesone road, so stop reading.
Seriously. Stop it.
A song for my son he will never listen to because he doesn't yet have a taste for perfect music.
Copyright © 2004-2007, Sherri Bailey
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