I am insane.
Due to a birth defect present in many children born to Southern women, my 13 year old boy suffers from a mad love of NASCAR. Sure I’m ashamed of him because of it, but the law says I have to love him anyway.
I try to reduce the number of outbreaks every chance I get, but my ex-husband AKA the boy’s father, does everything he can to ensure The Big Dog never overcomes it. There is dirt racing every Friday night and of course, watching fast cars on TV go round and round whenever possible.
So why then for his birthday last month did I purchase for him a ride in a NASCAR at the Kansas Speedway? This would be where the insane part comes in.
It was one thing to buy the certificate for the 15th of June when the 15th of June was weeks away. It is another thing to actually watch my little boy strap in a vehicle this afternoon that promises to go about 175 mph.
I couldn’t get him a nice sweater or a slinky? Everybody knows a slinky is fun for a girl and a boy. A nice wool sweater only enhances the amusement.
Momentarily he and I will drive the distance to the Big City and I will feed his disease in a way it’s never been fed. I imagine he will leave there firmly convinced that college can wait, track is for sissies and wondering aloud which religion has the best direct line to God so he can join up and ask The Big Guy for a race car and a fire suit.
Throughout my life I have done some idiotic things in the name of love but this was one of the biggest. I would consider faking a serious illness to avoid it, perhaps even throw up a little blood, but I am convinced he would hitch a ride with the first Speedway bound vehicle he happened upon. As Michael Jackson drives around our neighborhood frequently, I’d better get going. I have to bust the tube top out of storage, paint on plenty of blue eye-shadow and make sure I have enough time to pick up a pack of smokes for Mommy and some Redman for the boy.
Oh my sweet lord. I think I really am going to vomit blood.
Probably the best "love song" ever in the history of the entire world.
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