Mr. Man and I are exactly alike and completely different. The exactly alike part is the reason I married him. (Plus he asked me and of course I never say no to a marriage proposal.)
The completely different part is the reason that sometimes when he’s sleeping, I stand over him with a pillow asking myself if he’ll wake up and struggle.
OK, that’s not true. I never ask myself if he’ll struggle. He’s a heavy sleeper.
Me: “I had another dream about the Frozen Pea Guy who works at Wal-Mart. This time I wound up pregnant with his frozen green baby and we moved in the electronics department and lived in domestic bliss under the fair-priced TV’s until the Wal-Mart manager gave me free gum and I left Frozen Pea Guy and moved in with him in the dairy aisle.”
The Man: “I never dream about anybody but you and yet you spend every night running around with every man you see. I’m faithful to you even in my dreams.”
(Take a break here to chew back the gag in the back of your throat. Have you ever heard such a blatant line in all your born days? Clearly the man forgot I was born 43 years ago and not 43 hours ago.)
Me: “Not every man I see, Buddy. Only most men I see. PS: you’re a liar. Everybody dreams about stuff. You can’t control it.”
The Man: “I can control everything for I am Mr. Man…King of Everything, Everywhere, Forever and Ever, blah, blah, blah.”
Or something like that. If I notice something shiny while I’m having a conversation, I’m gone.
Me: “I’m fat. Do I look fat? Do you think I’m fat?”
The Man: “No, you’re not fat, Honey.”
Me: “Do you swear on your gun I’m not fat?”
The Man: “You are NOT fat. You WERE fat a couple months ago, but you’ve really lost a lot of weight. You look great now.”
Me: “What do you mean I WERE fat? What do you mean I look great NOW? You knew I was fat and totally not looking great and you didn’t tell me?”
The Man: “Baby, you know you were heavy after your thyroid surgery. You know you gained a lot of weight. A LOT of weight. So much weight that I found a picture of you standing by your desk in your office from a few months ago and your face was HUGE. You’ve lost it all now though and you’re the most beautiful woman in the world and I love you so much, I can’t even stand it.”
Me: “You look tired, Pookie. I think you should go take a nap.”
She's My Ride Home (no video... just audio) How much do I love Blue October? Crazy, crazy much.
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