Dear Lyle Lovett and kd lang,
First of all, I want you to know that I am deeply in love with you both in a way that should scare you a little as everyone knows people with obsessive-compulsive disorder often become dangerous when you make them fall in deep love with you.
Or when you get them wet.
I’m no fair weather psycho, either. I have loved you through the good times and the bad times.
Lyle, I was always right there with you. No matter how high your hair got or even that one time you ate some fried chicken laced with crazy and married Julia Roberts, I continued to be your biggest fan.
Not biggest fan as in some lady who hasn’t left her bed in 22 years because of her addiction to Oreo’s and pudding, but biggest fan as in I am a Lyle Lovett fanatic.
And kd, remember the crazy, pointy glasses and weird cowgirl/biker bitch attire back in the day? I was right there with you, Baby loving every minute of what quite frankly scared most of America to death. As a Southern Baptist girl, I could have been run out of town for my kd devotion.
Turns out I was run out of town for reading Maya Angelou. It was bound to be one or the other I guess.
So imagine my insane and potentially brain-exploding excitement when I found out the both of you are coming to a city near me in early July! Two of the greatest loves of my life are going to actually be a mere couple hours away from my house!
Sweet lord. How is a girl supposed to sleep a wink knowing something like that? I can barely stop running around my house screaming, “kd and Lyle are coming to Kansas!!!”
(Please pardon all the exclamation points. Typically I do not throw them around all willy nilly, but when kd and Lyle are going to be in my state…together no less…nothing says excitement like overuse of punctuation!!!!!)
“I will purchase tickets for my daughter and myself to go and see these, the gods of my music collection,” I said. My 23 year old has a deep love for you as well as I forcibly thrust your songs upon her while she was too young to fight back and could be easily brainwashed.
Coincidentally she also flaps her arms like a bird whenever she hears the word “marsupial”. We were poor and brainwashing a small child is surprisingly entertaining.
I popped on over to the website to purchase two tickets thereby ensuring that my daughter will love me more than her Father and I have to say I was somewhat surprised. I may be a little out of touch with all you crazy rock n’ roller types, but I had no idea tickets to see the objects of my affection cost about as much as my gallbladder operation.
Are you kidding me with this? Really? You really think I am going to spend that kind of money to get tickets for my baby girl and I just so we can faintly hear you from the nose bleed section of the Starlight Theatre?
Oh you bitches. You know me too well. I may have already gotten rid of my thyroid and gallbladder, but as long as I still have one good kidney, there is ticket hope yet.
Classified ad: For sale – One gently owned, reasonably priced kidney. Still attached but can be packaged and sent to any location in the lower 48 and Canada upon payment. Some assembly required.
Listen to them both, or you can never come here again.
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